Misty Endings

The last day of the year. It isn't the last day of my life, though. I doubt it.

Usually it's a year full of ups and downs. Everyone would love to have more ups, even me. But there's no doubting, this has to be one of the years' I'd really have no sentiments attached to it. Cause it's a year of heartbreaks, heartaches, and yes, the few occasional tears.

And I'm still involved in the period of my life only I know how difficult it is. The end is nearing, but it's not that near. That's what I say to myself, to let time fly by faster. It's a trick I've used to manipulate myself, and so far, I've been successfully cheating me. Not him, not her, me.


Yes, there have been ups. Only a few, as I can recall. Yes yes the bad ones really do feel bigger than the good, but I know the bads have been really, as it is, bad. Horrible, actually.

Not much to be proud of, but October is the one month I can be. Proud of. A sense of pride, achievement. I really am proud till this day when I think of it. Cheers, best shot. I did it.


These few nights, it's been really quiet and peaceful. And not to say, the weather's been real nice. Tonight, it was silent. Just quietness all around. Not even the birds and cars broke the silence, as they usually they do. Not even the 2 meows who's been at it for a few nights already. A good night, I'd say.


A bummer of a year, and really, I'm not looking forward to the next year. It's funny, cause I usually do. This time, I really have told myself there's no need to. Cause, I still am broken, and I still am sore. Life, it really is a funny thing. It still is beautiful, but I do know, there's more to it. Not in the near future, though. I'm just gonna let the wind blow me. Blow me, and I'll drift along. I have no sense of direction as we speak. As I speak, so to speak.

So goodbye 2010. You've been a bitch. And I, for one, despise you.


I could do, though, with your whisper, breaking, the silence of the night.
Cause you really were, beautiful. I bid you farewell, mistletoe. Till we meet again, if ever. If, ever.

The Concoction

It looks like, writings here are becoming more direct, and less artistic. Filled with more controversy, and less expressions.

It might really be that, the reason why all this is so is because, it really is happening. All of this really is taking place, and that, this is my way of dealing with it. I don't know though, but I'm sure enough that's how it is.


Really, looking back, I'd like to cut much of this away from future writings. Things were never supposed to be direct, I cultivated the habit of breaking my neck, and cracking my head to be as vague as possible, with a hint of everything that's not. A mixture, of everything that is, and nothing that was.


I really am tired, of envying the possibilities of others, knowing that I want that too. Like, it's not so much of jealousy, although there might be a hint of it, but it's more to the sickening feeling of paralysis, knowing that I am capable of achieving it too, and that all of it's not possible with what I'm going through right now.

A sin, literally, a capital one, to take 2 years of someone's life. It's 2 years of accumulated wrath and anger that's gonna take this place apart. Cause we are the future, and we don't like what we see. And what we're going through.

"We, are the future.
It's time you realised."

A prediction, a bold one. Not as bold, as love.

Maybe there's nothing left for me here. The only reason that was holding me back from going where I wanted to has left me shattered. I don't know, maybe there's nothing left for me here. It's a pity, none are ever here. Here here.

Never a dull bright moment. That's why things here are always bright dark.

Crisis

It is really one you know, a crisis. Cause I got to know of some things, and well, let's just say, it's of unspeakable sorts. Unthinkable too. Really, it is one. A crisis.

&I'm thankful I do not celebrate this specific festivity, the one that was just over a couple of hours ago local time. Cause if I did, it would have ranked up there, as one of the worst days I've ever had to go through.

The smiles, the fake ones. It really does break me, to see those closest to me were comparing me to an animal. A fuckin' animal, one that gives animals a bad tag. Really, I'm just speechless. I was thought-less too. The whole day, the whole fuckin' day it was just that one thought that kept streaming through me, through the veins that carry the red of life to that thinking machine up there.

I'm broken, I really am. More reasons to look forward more to the new year. However, come to think of it, maybe the new year wouldn't bring much. What so different from the previous year? All hopes, of me lookin' forward to this year was just dashed off just a few days into this "new beginning". Bull-fuckin'-shit. There was never anything to look forward to, other than more disappointments.

I'm broken. It's a perfect kind of situation to popularise a book that I would be writing. That is, if I was lookin' for something to write about.

No books in the near future, so don't anticipate. I pretty much reckon a lot of the stuff here would be good enough for a book.


Fuck this prophecy, the race we're in. Cause it really can be a shame, and it can really turn out to be a crisis.

Fuck this, just fuck it. So fuck off, just do so.

The Unexplainable

Oh gosh. Memories, they just come flooding back in. That night, that very night that just dazzled me.

They did it, they honestly did. Dazzle me, they honestly did. They did it, in ways only your eyes, heart, and head can see. To show you, how they dazzled me.

They players of freeze were just unbelievable. And right now, I'm being nostalgic. About that night. That night, on the 23rd of March in year 2009.


That's what nostalgia is supposed to be like. The good-feel of it. Not other sorta crap that gets me sick and leaves, literally, a bad taste in my mouth. It fucks the tummy and I'd wanna puke.

I'm very particular about nostalgia. I really don't know why, but I really don't like it. The feel it gives me generally, it's just something I don't enjoy. Maybe higher powers could decipher the reason why, cause right now it's just locked up in a language I don't understand. Hence, the unexplainable.


And so, title explained. What's next? A trip, a dizzy one, but one I would do my best to make it be less nauseous.


Really, all along I've been feeling as though I've been away for quite long. Not until I saw the last dated entry that I realised it's been just 7 days. They call it a week here, just so you know. You didn't know, did you? I knew that.

The moon's full, at least to me it looks that way. Tonight, I found someone. Someone who really has impressed me. You're so rational, that's what I love about you, love. I thank you for that.


Really, my thinking behind all these compliments is that, the ones I've wanted to show it to have never been mesmerised by it. So, in my opinion, it doesn't matter. Cause who I wanna show it to, they don't see it. So, in my opinion, it doesn't matter.

A heartache in process, the heartbreak in congress. I just saw a lot in you. For a few times even, I saw me. And really, I hoped you saw it too. Pity Rav, didn't work out that way, now did it? That's why, it really doesn't matter. Still, nothing's changing this. Cause I know, this perseverance would pay off. I know it would. I'm just hurtin' now that's all.

So leave it be, and let me be. What were you but just another piece of shard in my life. Pierce through me you did, right through. It doesn't mean I didn't understand where you came from, but in the end, I was left back. Back, to *square* one.

Sad. Nothing a night of rest wouldn't do. Unfortunately, I know it'll come back in the morning. Or in the evening. Or anytime. Fuck.

Heartbreaker. Still, I was glad to have met you. It feels like a blessing.

"Light will guide you home

And I will try, to fix you."

I tried. I know I did.

The Thought

And so I thought to myself, it was time to come back here and start something again. Something new, fresh. The total opposite from the staleness of yesteryear. Actually it was just yesterweek, so to speak. You get it.

It's not been much. Well, somethings' did change, and a lot stayed the same. But I'm still heavy hearted right now. Let's not go there I feel a heavy head coming.


I told myself, that it was time to come here. Cause being away from here for too long gives me a heaviness that makes me heave. Not a sigh of relief, mind you not until I'm here at least. But yes, I do miss this place a lot. It feels so homely being here. I really wished I could live in here. Cause it's dark, it's green. And it's so poetic. In my own way, of course. I love this place.

Me, and my fantasies.


I think if I stayed here longer I'm gonna start being sentimental and all. Let a light aid me in this.

"Those lights"

Dim lamps, illuminating these dark streets and black walkways.
I once took a picture of those, aligned symmetrically to please and tease the eye.
My eyes were teased, my picture was made to please.

And it reminded me, of the work of Micheal Kenna.
A beautiful picture, that was teased to please.

Give me the light, Kenna. Cause to me it said,
let there be light.

It does totally suck, the feeling. This is, for the record.


And so I thought the thought. That, all the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players.

You played me, player.

The Stale Story

How do I put it into words? The things that are going through me right now. How can I do it? Oh wait, yes, there is no way to word it, so to speak.

Ended it did, right before anything began. Oh wait, yes, there was no start in the first place. None at all, whatsoever.


Feels sick now, totally devoid of anything at the current moment. Such a momentous night. All, for the wrong reason, for me.

I really do apologise if you have to read this. But I'm sorry, this is the way I deal with things. Things of such matters.


Crushed I am, totally deflated right now. Honest words, words that I truly appreciate. It's so much better than chasing tails, but still, it doesn't hide the fact that it hurt. It truly did.

One thing you should know about, is that you're beautiful. Gorgeous you are, you're so oh gorgeous. It's a pity, though, that I didn't even come close.

Yes I am, devastated. Truly broken. But it's a stale story, this one. For not once but many a times have I gone through this. Enough, to know that it'll hurt tonight, and it'll sting like a bitch tomorrow morning, and in the days ahead.

Still, know that I truly did like you. Dare I say, it felt more than a like. Yes, I felt that much, but how unfortunate; It wasn't meant to be. Unfortunate for me, that is. I wanted a whole lot more, for I felt prepared to be responsible for something truly greater than me; We. Again, pity, wasn't meant to be.

Gosh, some person you are, really. In this short span of time, longer than usual, it truly felt magical. And as far as I'm concerned, I did everything I could. I guess understanding your issues was key. Gosh, then again, it never truly worked out.

Again, I do thank you for being brave. As much as it's shattering me it's better I knew truth rather than fake smiles. And I do hope as much, that your time spent with me was time you saw worth parting for. For you are beautiful, you're so oh beautiful.

It'll definitely take a while. It truly is a sickening feeling here. Hard saying this, but eventually, I'll get over it.

Thank you, for lighting up my days leading up to tonight. As much as the last few days were tough on me, it was truly worth it.

You're beautiful, so oh beautiful. Know that I felt this way about you. You're a gem, I mean it.

I just hope though, that you find time for yourself. I understand your responsibilities, but selflessness is selfishness to yourself. And I truly believe that you deserve better. Sadly, I don't think you deserve this. Who am I to judge, though?

I loved you, yeah I truly did. But like what I said, it's only love if it's both ways.

Take care, doll. You were an experience I truly found joy going through with.

Looks like it's the old days, old ways for me now.

Fuck it, this is too sick. I don't know, how much more of this I can take. So let me heal, these wounds that I've inflicted upon myself.

What's new, this is just my stale story. Like the stale bread we have at home, I don't like it. Not at all, not one bit at all.

Shade & Lines

Close the window, open the other side; Snap. Finger bruised.

It happens.

Yet many who frequent this site wonder, some do: Who is this she? This female form I refer to many a times in my entries. The one looking at me from the back, while I do this thing of mine. This form of art O'mine.

It's not always the same person, this she. Yet, in the confusion of all this she don't quite change form. She's still a female, female in form and mind. Yet. it's never been the same person. Only the form is.


It's still not quite clear, not to anyone at least. But she's a desire I often long for. And on nights like these, she's one I always think of. Layin' there, in simple form, looking at me. While I do this, this form of art O'mine.

Screw the jagged red lines underlining the words, these are my creations. As long as the idea fits the bill it's good enough. Enough for me, to continue. To continue, this form of art. O'mine.

Let the night be, tonight. Cause it's a wonderful night, and I'm just speechless. Let this form of expression be filled with words being mixed together to make a picture, punctuations and italics being toyed and experimented around with to create tones and impressions.

It's all about shades and lines for me. And in all these words, that's what I see.

Shades; &Lines

Let's revel in the beauty of the night. Cause it is, a gorgeous dusk. Late, still, it's dusk to me. No ducks here, unlike what my finger's been typing, twice.

I'll see you again. This side, or the other.

Under Shadow

There's no room here, now is there? For people like us?

The outcast type, the borderline type. Type, that's a minority.

After all, they all say that normal is majority. Actually, that's what I came up with. What's does it make us then? The finger points to only one direction: Abnormal.


It's a sickening day today. Not because I'm ill, oh no not that. It's because, well, certain events were made to happen not too long ago, and it's been playing on my mind. And to top it off, it's been a day spent rotting in my room. And to top that off? I've been bombarded by really nostalgic events. That's the epitome of a real horrid day, when nostalgia sinks in.

I just dislike it, nostalgia. It feels like a haunting, it bites at my bones, gnaws at it. And it just twirls my head around. Gosh, it really is a sick feeling. And it plays with my tummy too. Nostalgia & nauseousness goes hand-in-hand for me. It just feels sick.


It's like, I don't wanna get out of this place, my room. As much as I feel miserable because I'm not out there doing something or being with someone, it is better than being out of it. Because these halls, they're filled with the horrors only the mind reveals. And it sinks you so so low when you step out, cause grins turn ghastly.

Aghast; You have no where to run.

It might be me just overdoing it, all for the contrast I love to create here. But it really feels miserable today. I don't even want to look outside, cause it's just a reminder of where I am. I want to be out, I want to enjoy the outdoors and not be stuck in this place here.

I'll just have to deal with it. As much as I don't wanna.
I dislike situations like these. Yet, there's no saviour in all of it.
Not yet.

Abnormalities

To be discreet, it's real nice weather tonight. It's dry, yet the air's real chill. And it's quiet, bar the rumbling of the bike breaking silence just now. And Mr A to Z's voice is just phenomenal. Try as I might, I could never do it like him. I could never do it like most of 'em, that's why I'm just a bathroom singer.


To say nothing's been happening is a major understatement. Still, nothing much has. There have been certain things, but it's not quite eventful I'd say. Still, I'd take as much as you give, and I want more, but I must wait. It's not as easy being discreet, with the awareness now. But it's a challenge, one I truly relish. Someone's quite bright though, aren't ya?

I just want to enjoy the night I'm in now. It won't be easy with a swollen sore upper respiratory tract, but I think I'm going down soon. Maybe a light or 2, we'll see.

Till then, keep the love going.
Has to be one of my favourite lines currently.