Float

I'm finding it hard to make a start. Like in every situation I've been in, I've always had difficulties making starts. Maybe that's the reason first impressions of me aren't usually positive ones. I'm not going to cry a river though, somehow things fall into place for me. If it's meant to happen, somehow, it will. I won't be sweating on it, definitely ain't gonna worry my life away. There, that counts for a start. Right?

It's movie night once again. Movies weren't ever really my thing, I'm picking it up though. It's really beautiful to watch life being acted out brilliantly on screen. I'm usually a sucker for emotional stuff, but I like being friendly too so a few good laughs and being scared senseless does good too. It's all about the vibe, some days I want to laugh, some days I want to be touched. Today, I wanted to feel. I felt. Breathless at times.

And to think that I could have actually been one of them there. And to feel the suspense of not knowing what lies ahead, days are numbered. Being a believer of the never ending path of life even though I have days finding it difficult fathoming how it's even possible, it was certainly horrid to have that sinking feel. It's the horrid sinking feel. Like a rock tied to your feet, drowning you in gallons of water, it's the sinking feel.

Moved, moved I was. As the sinking continued moved I was to see a friendship formed amidst all accusations. Courage, a will to think on them 2 feet. Fantastic I say, absolutely fantastic. And my glass's running dry.

You feel the heat running down your throat, a burning desire so to speak, encouraging the flames to heat you up. A warmth, a proven way of keeping thyself warm around all this cold. And when the lust dies down, it's the only companion you'll have that's capable of keeping you warm. It's the lust that rusts deep within.

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

The guitar's bitchin' away
Let it bitch
Bitch all you want bitch
Just leave it bitchin'
Don't stop, it's my life support don't cut it off

Don't cut it off
Leave it
Let it
Help me float

Praise
Me
Away
Prise

Me
From
Here
Into your
Arms

Strike Full

I've been pretty neurotic. I had the page opened twice, both times I closed it knowing that I wasn't thinking straight. Maybe that's the difference. Now I can sense myself putting me in danger. It's better this way. At least now I know I'm actively thinking even when I'm in situations. That's good.

I'm not sure how much of revelations are shared here. I do know that everything I say here reflects me. And me being me, I try my best to be as discreet and vague as possible, to leave people guessing. Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You.

The me you this that jibber jabber has definitely caught some flat footed, if not dazed at least. And it's meant to be like that. Because, it's meant to show me. And me's not that simple, I'm not the average simple boy. Oh no, if you came looking for that you're at the wrong place buster. I'm a myriad of things infused in one medium. If I had Medusa's hair it'd probably be filled with a world of snakes, some hissing, some rattling, some spitting, some coiling, some harmless. I'm probably more harmful than harmless. That's what I'm seen as at least, come closer though don't worry. I won't bite I promise.

I was sitting here, eagerly waiting for the clock to start a new day. Not because I was waiting to get back the pumpkin I lent Cinderalla, but because it was the right time. Like a cue, I knew it'd be the right time to start. I wasn't wrong. It's the trust I have in me.

I'm honestly seeing why this can be so revealing, I say too much. I try to make things as colourful as possible, I can't take dull. Empathy kicks in, I just don't want to make it feel boring for the other party. I put my neck on the line, I be the butt of the joke, just to make things livelier, just to see that smile.

Because smiles are beautiful. I love smiles, I love your smile. Yes, I'm talking about yours. No yours, not yours. Yes, yours. Yours.

I honestly feel that I've lost it
That I can't remember how it feels
To have our tasters
Intertwined with one another


Wet, moist
Moving up and down
Moving all around

Side to side
We'll make circles
We'll spell out our names
We'll taste the desires

We'll bring our bodies closer
We'll bring our heads nearer

We'll feel soft
Delicate lips

Our eyes are closed
I'm imagining you
Imagining me
Imagining us

While the tapes record
Our vivid imaginations
Come to life
To let the tapes record
Our shared desires
Come to life
And let the tapes record
Our moments together
Come to life

The License

I'm exhausted, drained. And it's finally over. And it's gonna take a while for me to get used to the taste. The effects of it? I'm never letting it feel normal.

I've been a bucket of nerves of late. And it's been showing. From trembling feet to shaky hands, to perspiration, from uncontrollable outbursts, to uncontrollable outbursts. I think the latter has been the most detrimental.

And to think that I screwed things up, even after I've been in a situation similar, only to know that unlike others I don't learn from my mistakes. Agitates me, it agitates me. Idiot. You bloody idiot.

I think that the reasons have been read out before. It's exactly the same things, and that, I got too deep when I was only licensed to skim the surface till I got the green light. Impatience, let's face it I'm not the most patient. And this fluids I'm sipping on is heating me up. Beads of sweat rolling down. I'm warming up when I need to cool down. It's not really working for me right now.

I honestly don't know who comes here. I do know a handful. The beauty, or agony, of it is that I do not want to know who comes here, but I do want to know who comes here. And that, hints dropped here are like the Hiroshima bomb; It explodes in your face and it has a long term effect on you.

I can't stop my face from distorting, it's a beginners' identity. I'm spacing out. I feel it coming.

Today has been a draining day. And I am tired. And I am sleepy. You know what happens to me when I'm sleepy, don't ya?

I need to get a good night's sleep. To know at the back of my head that I have one less worry to worry about. It has been a major issue of late, the importance of it was insurmountable. And I'm proud that I done it, so it's not a headache now. It was never supposed to be one, but financially it was a strain. And now, it's over. A new beginning is over the horizon.

I've got appreciation in me. And that, I appreciate many art form. Of course I do have my restrictions, but I try to explore as much as possible. And that, my appreciation and attention to detail is supported by my many choices. And that, even flawed I do my best to see the beauty of it.

It's funny isn't it
Being mentioned by someone
Who barely knows you

And I'm not doing it here
Sometimes I wonder why I don't think in certain situations

Fuck
Everything's so fucking green

Two Stories

I just got off a glass of the worst tasting cream anyone could ever have. This, while watching a movie that created that feel in me where I craved for a glass of really good, smooth aged spirit. I would have taken fermented grapes if I had one, after all the movie was based on that. But I would have settled for a nice glass of Scotch. On the rocks please, mixers hide the taste.

It's a story of 2 stories really. One that was viewed in the afternoon, the other just a few minutes ago. And the truly amazing thing is that, I could relate to both movies. Fuck the ratings, screw comments about it. I think a good movie is one you can relate to. A great movie would be one you see yourself in. An award-winning movie? One that the general population including you, agrees that it was truly spectacular. I would agree that the movies I just caught aren't Oscar winners, but they would definitely have been voted by me if I had the chance.

The truly remarkable thing about these 2 movies is that, it was rather uneventful. No bombs exploding, no evil characters wanting to destroy the world, no politics, no violence. It was simply blissful. And the light hearted-ness of it truly allowed you to pause, and chill as you allow yourself to see, well yourself basically, in a different form under different light. I know I saw myself. And it was teasing me because, part of me wanted to admit that it's me, part of me was denying any part of it. It begin to question me, I began questioning myself. Is that really me? Taking the part of anyone who knows me, is that how people see me?

Epiphany.

Provocative, these 2 movies made me think. I honestly feel my brain's gonna give up on me one day for putting it under so much overdrive. Maybe that's when I have my sudden breakdowns. Where I get so emotionally drained I'm not as little as motivated to get myself out of bed.

My hands are in my shirt, I've got empty sleeves now. I've got empty pants too. Soon enough, an empty mind to think with. And if I had a paper right now, I would write down the number of terms I've rephrased.

Marks of affection
Love stains
Glass of cream
Fermented grapes
&Haiku

Every story has a narrator
I wonder who's mine
That guy with a funny accent
That guy they call you. Me. Him
Her would sound rather controversial.
Who I am to judge?
I'm just an entrant, speaking for itself.

Bedazzled

I'm getting solemn notes in the ears now. Low keys being pressed, lone words pressing against me. Sometimes you really do beg to wonder how one actually manages to string a few words to create phrases so strong that it shatters time and puts you in this hallucination where everything you see goes by slow, and that you literally feel time coming to a halt, and that for once, it's waiting for you. To undo what has been done, and to create priceless moments. May seem impossible for many to even contemplate this, me being one of the many.

I don't know I really don't know how these people do it. And that I have many questions, only for me to hold myself back. It's the fear of being ridiculed at, with fingers pointing in my direction and faces distorting with monotonous laughters filling the room. It's childhood memories. Move on move on let's not dwell on it. However today's been filled with past memories.

Moderate the content, monorate my content. Watch your mouth, wash that mouth. This rollercoaster is taking me for a ride. I'm on a high and low. I don't know where's the next fall or escalation.

Under your poison I'm drunk
Not your poison, but Yours.
I bet ya confused.

It's not that straight forward
But it's straight forward enough

Tease tease
I'm teasing ya

That Night

I have always had this dilemma, I know it's not much of a big deal for some, but to me it's really important. To have a proper title for my entry. Cause at times, even though my entries have no link to the title, I just feel that I need a proper title that reflects the style. To reflect the flow and content of the entry. I'm struggling to get one now. By the end of this it should be settled though. It's the age old dilemma I've been facing ever since I started this. Some things have not changed one bit, and I like it.

I've been having really weird dreams. I know dreams are never normal, you get to do so many things in your dreams you can only imagine in real life. It's like an escape our minds have after a hard days' work. That's what I feel about dreams, though some beg to differ.
The dreams have been really weird, I feel. It's not been much about my current plight, though I have had some instances where it reflected what I truly felt within me at a particular point of time. And whenever that happens, I wake up with a grin on my face, and just smile at the fact that the mind is such a beautiful thing. I can most probably never decipher the way it works, but I'm contented at just leaving it that way. It makes me happy like that.

Honestly, I was on the verge of a breakdown. All the months of containment and patience was really getting the better of me, and I just felt at that time that I was finally unable to handle it anymore. It honestly felt really horrid because the cracks were forming. Only for me to come back home to get news that sang in my ears like birds chirping in the morning. I've honestly not found birds chirping in the morning nice, but it's a phrase I'd like to use.

I felt joyous, yet I was still very cautious about it because I've been through this before to know that in a split second smiles can turn into frowns. I know that we have to work very hard to get where we want to. And I belief that we can. We can, and we will. Nothing will hold us back but ourselves.


I'm me again. Yessa.

I've got a tune in my head. Real mellow start, and the chorus sings itself well. Music, it's music that's in my head. I may not have a voice that would win hearts, I do know that I appreciate works like these. Fill me up, just fill me with ecstasy. It's such a powerful song, sang in the most mellowest of ways. Nothing will beat it, nothing will.



I have a vague image of you in my head. I don't know what you're like in person, I don't know who you are in person. I do know that I was surprised by your approach. Never had I expected you to have asked me for a snapshot, never in a million years.

I noticed you the moment I glanced across my table. There you were. I had a glance, a glance I had at most and I looked away. And I glanced over again after a while, to see that you might have been looking in my direction. I glanced away, and I continued my night.
The lights went out, and the jockeys began their dance beats. It was getting hot you could see smoke. And amidst all this, I was still an unsuspecting victim.
If you could feel my heart that night you might have thought I had a car in me, it was racing. Woo, my heart couldn't take it. It could have just stopped there and then.
I didn't even dare look you in the eye to say thanks. Do know that I was thankful, albeit I knew it was just a moment of time captured on digital film.

You know what would have made the night though? If I had managed to steal a dance from you. Would have made it the perfect night.

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw.

Diversion

Something's not right. I can swear, something doesn't feel right. Not at all it does. I just can't put my finger onto what it is. It's fucking annoying me right now, I'm feeling very disorientated. Today was not supposed to be about this, I had a plan, the sermon was already in my mind but this has disrupted it.

What could it be, what could it be? Something I ate that's messing my head? It can't be that lump that's screwing things. I honestly can't figure it out. You know what would help now?
I need to blank out. Space out. No way I'm gonna be chasing dragons for this effect; I've got a method of my own. Just stare blankly. And speak your heart's desires'.


The past couple of entries has been kind of different, don't you think? It's a lot about something that's been disturbing me within, or some vague description of the issues I've been facing. Well, I know this space here has always been about me. But it felt different to the references I usually made to my entries: Music. I know I know, I have mentioned it recently. However I've not been talking a lot about my feeling-high moments that in the past was influenced by the tunes ringing in my ears.

I just feel that all of the bullshit that's been going on has been distracting me. It has been creating diversions from a lot of my usual rituals. Maybe this is the reason why I'm feeling disturbed. Maybe it's been bugging me so much lately that now it's beginning to show. The signs were telling you know. I was feeling extremely out of place. It felt really crazy to be honest.

Ah yes, it's singing in my ears now. Liberation. It feels like the soul's reborn, so much excitement, so much that has been contained has finally been released. I'm feeling much better now.The headache's not gone yet, maybe a glass of fine Scotch will help. I've got to wait though. To be honest, I've been considering getting one of my own. The wait's been a wee bit long don't ya think? It's not as if I'm not grateful at all. I truly am. I just feel that there's reluctance.


I do honestly feel that for the past few weeks I've been tossed here and dragged there like a ragged doll. Maybe an oversized ragged doll, but yes, even Barbie had crushes on big boys. Cause we big boys have big hearts. And we know how to treat a lady right, right Barbie? Just go ask her, she'll tell you.

I feel that the past few weeks have been really redundant. Calls for help were nothing more than use-and-abuse sessions. You get used, you're thrown abuse, and you're told straight in the face to fuck off. Oh trust me, it felt this way. And it feels that I'm being clouded by stolen sweethearts. I just feel that I'm not needed anymore. Like, hoi, I don't need ya anymore so pack ya bags and fuck off boy.

I know different circumstances calls for different approaches, and for this I'm not a priority, but yes, as much I do understand, I do hurt too. If only my heart could speak, it would tell you how indifferent I've been feeling. I know my heart's usually speaking here, give me credit I was just trying to make a point.
Don't feel that it's just one person in particular, but yes, it might be. I'm not filtering my content just because "ya'll" be reading it, there's no censorship and sympathy here, only my heart talking. This heart, it hurts hearts, and it gets hurt too. Kinda like a give & take thing eh? You give some, you get some.

I know things have been really rocky. To be honest, I've hardly been able to understand my feelings too. It's a disappointment for me; I'm usually indulgent in my nights like this, but apparently because of all the crap that's been spilled I've been busy cleaning it up as well as bitching about it here. Feels really lousy to know that I've kinda lost track of myself.

Typical me eh? Disappearing as I get crowded out by things. Things that I don't feel comfortable around with. If there's one criticism about me, and trust me there are many, but if there's one I have about myself, it's that I disappear in times like these. Where with all the rubbish that's been circling around me I've never been able to calm myself and think straight. I feel excuses are excuses, and as much as I can have a lot to defend myself against this claims, it is a fact. That, all my life I've not been able to stand up and face things properly and instead, I've been running away every time. Sometimes I do feel that my vision clouds out but deep down I know it within me that I have to do something about this. I just feel that excuses are praises that just makes you feel good about yourself.
It lies to you. Don't that line make you feel disgusted? Puke, I'm sure you want to.



I do feel though that I've been very self-centered about myself these days. I've been feeling good about myself in certain aspects. It's the belief I have in myself I guess. The belief that, I know, no one else's opinion matters to me especially when that no one's a no one to me. And, I know death in inevitable, and I've never felt larger than life itself, but it's a belief I have deep down that I have a lot to achieve in my near future. I'll never tempt and challenge fate, that I will not do. But I do know deep in me, that Ravin, you're gonna shine soon. Not celebrity shine, but shine within the eyes of those who love you, and those whom you love. And those who never thought you would do it.

Maybe the reason why I never tell just anyone about this space of mine is because all those who know about this space of mine are those whom I regard to as people who matter, and that they actually give a fuck about me to waste their time coming here and reading all my bullshit. Maybe it's a privilege for ya'll to be able to see all this as much as it is a real privilege for me to be able to have people actually giving a fuck about my thoughts, so feel thankful that ya'll mean something to me. Cause now, in my life, no one matters more that those who matter to me. This, coming straight from the heart. Feeling the pimples on ya skin? I thought so too.

This has been a real long one. I'm gonna end it with some terms that has been on my mind for a while now. I knew I needed to get it out here, eventually. So here it is. Try figure.

She looked me
In the eyes
With eyes as warm
As how she was
When I's in her.

Standing within a breath from me
She got even closer.
I could feel.
Her chest throbbing
Pounding
Like the meat she was treated Like
That night.

I felt her breath
It contained words.
You treated me like how I should be treated that night it said
You treated me well she said
You treated me to a smell.

I knew instantly
About what she was talking About.

Caressing her
I removed her love-stained clothes.
The same ones she wore that night
The same one I stained.
It was my love, stained on her clothes.

It revealed her Goddess body
All over scarred with marks of affection.
The suckles and bites.
It's the body
I worshiped that night.

What happened next
Would be a guess you'll make.
Cause I ain't saying shit
Till the next time she quips.