Polar Black

Amaze; Utter amazement. Just looking back at my previous entries, and it feels like I'm plundering into a dark abyss.

Sadness, it's filled with so much darkness. So much so, it's scary just looking back and reading it. It feels surreal, indifferent.

I'm amazed, seriously amazed. To read back on how dark I made things look. It's scary, I know I said that already, but it's frightening.


It's poetry, it's just poetry.
And my life, it wouldn't be so poorly
Lit. Cause, in darkness and in light
I shall stand firm. I shall stand
Equally strong. And I shall
Stand still.

I will get out of this. I know I will. Cause now, I'm so scared I'm actually happy. Happy, to know that I can be happy. So I'll stop being delirious, or at least I'll try. But I'll be happy.

I'm getting there. I know I am.

*polar white polar polar white*

Mental Crucifiction

It seems as though my past demons have come knocking again. Horror flashbacks of events that has scarred me. Yes, scars they are. Cause these actions weren't just superficial wounds; they dug deep into my skin, beyond the flesh and bones, and into the entity that weighs 21 grams.

I'm not proud to go around telling people what I've gone through personally, cause, where do I start? And how do I end it? Will anyone ever hear me out? Would they understand it, understand my point of view and decisions? The decisions I've made, I feel, are for the better. For me, these were the best decisions.

However, memories do flood back in. Like I said, it comes like the Niagara, images flow through my mind with such force. It isn't easy stopping these memories, these gruesome images. If it was only a silent movie, because the audio that plays along just makes me cringe.

I do feel lost. At times I do feel strange. By myself, for so long it's been this way. I feel scared too. Scared, of feeling for something that might not be there. Scared, to lose again; to lose myself, and to lose something I cherish dearly.

Maybe I just want to remember it as a reminder, and not dwell on it as a miracle. Maybe, that was the day my life changed.

It's been going on for so long now. Things haven't really changed that much, only the people have. I have to still remember there's a life to live for, and I'm striving towards the life I want to create. It involved pro-creation, but it also involves unlocking myself to someone. To bare my soul, and telling her, to take it. To place my heart in someone's hand, them knowing that I am a clench away from ruins. To place great responsibility into their hands, telling them, I'm yours for the taking.

I have dreams, and those dreams involves greatness.

PS I'm sorry I've been away. Just know, I'll never leave this place.