Meals

&I wonder; How do I go to bed at night with a heavy heart? To only wake up once more, from the slumber, to the things in front of me.

&All I really need right now is for me to hold on to someone, to speak to one who will just listen while I lie on thighs and gaze into giving eyes. Because it breaks me so much, to even think of the reason why it happens just eats me like self-cannibalism.
Gnaws, it gnaws on me.

I don't understand it, I really don't.

And with all this in mind, there isn't someone who will provide to my needs right now.

I have no one. That's it, no one right now, to let me fall into arms. To fall with eyes close knowing I will be caught. No one. How sad. How pathetic. How awful. How.

Episodes

It's been a while since I've written something that's gut-wrenching here. Gut-wrenching, yet sweet. Maybe I've never written something like that, maybe it's been always. Still, I think it's been a while.

It's funny, I feel. Where inspirations come from. It comes in so many forms, different for everyone, for every occasion. Like for today's entry it's a combination of a couple of things. The song that's on repeat, and the occasion of the date. Which occasion, go figure. I love doin' this.

To say that I'm feeling affected by the date, might be both wrong and right. I do feel it partially, but I don't. And looking around me, where those celebrating it are in joyous moods and the ones that aren't are a blade away from suicide it's pretty scary I feel. I don't know, it might be a patience thing, one I feel I really do not have in abundance. But come to think of it, I have been quite patient. Just doing my thing, not worrying too much about the future. I guess it's a belief thing as well. Something I do have in infinite abundance.

I kinda have a picture of what I want. Certain traits, a certain character. Depth is definitely one of them, gosh I can't stand shallow people. And a deep sense of appreciation for things around. And to have similar likes. Ikes yikes.


And I'm standing here, peering out, with breeze as cool as a refreshing drink. And looking out to no life. Just sounds. And thinking, about how free kisses have been blown around. Episodes I feel, where at times I just want to stay in this shell on my back. To live in my own space, and to live in a place where I am surrounded by things that takes my breath away. And to just sit, and appreciate. To sit, and have my breath drawn out of me, pimples rising momentarily all around darkened skin.


I do have a picture of what I want. My goodness I actually have an example not many know who I'm talking about. But yes, if it's one person who is able to make me go soft all around it's her. And her voice. I can't get enough of her. "Sitting next to me on a beach, with nothing but the moonlight and a distant lamp illuminating the two of us, playing the guitar and singing to me." You should know who said this. Perfect mate perfect.

"1"

That's more than enough,
I could die right after.

I won't though,
cause I can't get enough.

You might have to try reviving me,
I'm sure you'd know how.

Just come close,
and whisper to me.

Tell me,
how much I mean to you,
cause I've shown you,
you're everything to me.

&I've given you me,
do whatever you want.
Kill me if you want to.

I know you won't though,
I know you won't
that's why I gave you me.

That is why,
I gave you,
Me.


"2"

Don't say a word,
just come over and lie here with me

Cause I'm just about to set fire,
to everything I see

I want you so bad,
I'll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it,
I'm scared you'll forget about me.

There, I just said it.
Happy Valentine's my valentine.

Short

I'm feeling high now. Isn't this happening at the wrong time of the day? Night it's supposed to be at night.

Goodness edge of desire you've got me high. Now, I have to go through the rest of the day struggling to come up with words, with droopy eyes and slow processing up there. Goodness edge of desire my goodness.

My goodness.

Literaturist

It looks near-perfect outside. Sun's hiding behind the clouds. Probably it's heard the curses from the locals, me definitely one of them. I know the Sun though, it's a brave bugger I tell ya. It's just taking a break. After all, producing so much energy will take a toll on you too, if you were it. Have a break son, you deserve it. Us too.

I've been reading this book recently. Like everything I have, there's a story behind it, behind the story it holds between the pages. If the book could talk it'll not only tell you what's on the pages, but how it got into my hands in the first place.

Let's just say that, the reason I went through so much was to ensure there was a meaning behind the specific book I got. The cover's key, for it explains what the book is about, that is if you know what it means, and the reason behind the illustration.
One relation to another, everything's linked. Like the phrases on the pages. Well, most of it at least.

I've been finding it a challenge though, to read it consistently. I don't know if it's the richness in the pages, or the concentration levels I've been having recently. My mind doesn't want to focus fully and for prolonged periods. And I'm thinking that the language has a part to play it must have at least a certain role in it. And with that in mind I too believe my mind's been exhausted lately to have enough concentration. It seems to wander off, and I find myself snoozing.

I hate it when I force myself to do something, and right now I'm not enjoying myself while reading. Don't get me wrong I think the book's really well written. I can somehow understand the things that are written, with the purpose of imposing a certain style and ambiguity. It's like asking the reader,"Do you really understand me to know what I mean here?". I can relate to this style because, it's very similar to the way I write and the way I phrase things. I never knew what style was it; I didn't even know it was a style. Until I found this book.

Literature, it's called. Elementary my dear.

And with the realisation that I'm actually writing the same way as one of the world's most renowned authors makes me glee. Because I've never read his books, but I was always pulled towards this style like a magnet. Of course there are many others who are too, for most parts, able to write in this similar way. It makes me baffled though when I pull it off. Cause I certainly know what it means, it's challenging the reader to wonder for a while. Wonder, wonder what on earth I'm writing? Wondering if I could even write properly in the first place. Wondering if I was just pulling a fast one to fascinate.

And some continue wondering, probing into questions till they get it, or at least they think they've got it. Others just look, cough rubbish, and move on.

Fascinating, it really is. And that's what it is.

I wonder if any of my writings would ever be analysed by the masses. It would be wonderful, a compliment to something that is a gift to me. I gift I'm thankful for and, blessed to have. This time it's me wondering.

Wonder,
wonder.
Wondering wonder.

Btw, the sun's out already. I told you, it's a brave bugger didn't I tell you?

Blue Desire

I just can't think at the moment. Things are moving so fast, whizzing past me like lights. And I'm really caught in the middle of this zooming period. And that, I really have to sober up a little. Cause it's a cause for concern, I'm kinda losing control of myself.

It's all about the "Is this the right thing" thoughts I'm having. I do believe so, but there are times where really, I do have to put my hands up and say,"Yup, that was wrong".


I really do feel that this week has been all about me not being able to control the emotions in me. I am a very emotional person, but there are times I have to control it. I have succeeded sometimes, I just do not understand why I haven't been able to realise all along that my emotions were getting the better of me this week. Silly really, silly.

Once again, thoughts in my head. As usual I guess, normal. Having things whiz past me hasn't helped, but if it's one place that can really calm me down it's here. All I had to do was to sit under dimmed lights, lean back, and read what I've been writing here. It puts a smile on my face, it really does. It really shows my style, it makes me feel that everything I've done here has never been unoriginal. And that it's been all me nothing else. Makes me feel a sense of achievement towards my work. There's no award, and in times like this it doesn't matter.


I've had a very neurotic week I feel. The smallest of things getting on my nerve, the indecisive feeling. Just everything that could have gone wrong did. And it was so annoying to feel, and do what I was feeling and doing. So annoying, urgh.

And I'm feeling such a need, such a desire to have something more in life that I've been buying things out of nothing. The desire to spend just to have something new, and the annoyance of not having the resources to fund my expenses. That's the killer right there. Because it annoys me so much, to have nothing new in such a while.

Everything feels so stagnant; No progress, no drive, I'm feeling no hunger to do anything. It sort of feels deflating on my buoyant self. And I guess that's why I want new things. It's to give me a change in things. I just need patience. That's something I do not have in abundance, very limited many would say. I won't disagree.


&3 nights ago I had a dream. It felt so real I didn't want to get out of it. That I was in a place I've only seen on TV. And that the place looked, and felt so real. It felt so real, this is first in a very long time I've conjured up a feeling like this for a dream. Cause it was really nice. I woke up smiling, half disappointed for the interruption but fully excited at how it felt like. And I've been having this feeling for the past couple of nights, having dreams that feels so real. So so real, it delights me.


There is a reason why I want to pick up something new. I just need to exercise more patience with myself now, it'll happen soon enough I belief it will.