Phoenix Bar

&Why do I think that you're pretty oh so pretty? Why is it me who thinks this way, that oh you're pretty you're so oh pretty. Rubbish, just real trash real trash really.

I'm in a state right now where I'm neither here nor there. Nowhere, and I really don't know how good or bad this is. I don't know if it's bad or good, or where it's bringing me. But all I know is that I'm just here, right now, in between everything. Everything, that's nothing. That's full of it. That's full of shit. Shit, yes shite yes shit.


It might have been a simple question, question of the ages that got me in this mess. Or it might have been the messy day I've had where I was surrounded by depressed actors and overzealous melodramatic actresses. The fact that I was nearly all around this island with such company, and what I was surrounded by.

It's too silly this day. Today's silly. Surreal's been used much too often recently so it's not in my choice of words, not for now at least. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me with the amount of childish plays I went through today, it was way past the figment of my always-wild imagination. I couldn't believe what just happened.


To be sensing something that isn't there while walking into the room is quite frightening. I might have imagined it, I was pretty sure though something came into my mind. "Take me away, let me fly. I'd be your partner in flight."


Who are you, you? So many I'd say. I just think you're beautiful, I just think. I always think that, that's why there's so many. I'm just wondering how do I tell. Oh I'm hopeless with things like this. Hopeless, I'm just too.


This music, really, divine. god-like. Brilliant so fuckin' brilliant. I just don't know how they do it, but it's just wonderful. Wunderbar.


"Take me away, let me fly. I'd be your partner in flight."

Wham

It's supposed to be uninterrupted. No interruptions. No distractions and no disturbances. And that's exactly what it is. Uninterrupted. No interruptions. No distractions and no disturbances. Not easy to have these conditions not easy at all very difficult it's very very difficult.


Roamin' the streets. The empty ones, ones that are usually bustling with cars and life, and pollution. And it was so quiet I could hear my footsteps clearly. Each and every thump from the soles to the ground, and every creak it made on the cement pavements. I'm not describing between the lines how heavy I am, it's just an emphasis on how quiet the night was. Don't be confused. Trust me.

What a night, nights like these come so far between each other. And the more I should be appreciating it. I am, really. Brilliant, lovely so so lovely.


Really, the only thing I have in my head now is how intense we locked lips. From the moment it started, to the moment it continued, gradually getting more and more intense. It was heavy, both in panting and in feelings. I remember it like it was yesterday. 20 hours ago, in fact.

And that the sexy thing will be me being watched. Getting all high, getting all deep and writing here, without any interruptions. I find it so erotic goodness it feels so different to know someone's interested in seeing how I do it. And that she just wants to roll up in my bed, covered in soft fluffy blanket clad as minimally as possible underneath and just watching me do it. Yes, do IT. IT has saved me in more ways than anything else. I fuckin' love "IT". Love it, just fuckenloveit.


It's been a while since I've been here and really penned my thoughts down. It's been a while since I really got high and started mumbling in here. Today's the day I can barely keep my eyes opened let alone lift a finger. But it's special. Today is special. Let nothing take it away. No one too. I'm pretty sure you'd die to see me while I do it. It's that special it really is.


I love life. I do. That's all that matters.
love you too, I. love you too.

Dosage

We won't start, oh no no we won't start. Cause there's no stop, oh yeah there's no halt. Cause this is true, oh oh this is true. That we'll do, anythin' to stay true.

An excerpt from me head. The head that's so full, brimming with so much.

So much, it's filled up.

Clockwatch

It's been a while I was here. It's been a long time since I settled so quickly on a title. Yes, I do put a lot of thought into my titles. A lot of thought. Like most of the things I do. Indecisive some say, sometimes it pays off. Most of the time actually. Most of the time.

I've got a lot of pent up fury in here. In me. This usually leads to self-destruction. Fury I mean. For me, it makes me do a lot of things with an aim. Focus. But it's detrimental to my health too. Gosh where's a fag when you need one.
Don't get the wrong idea loved one; I know control. And I know mood, the mood to do certain things. (I'm saying trust me)
Right now I'm in the mood. Too bad it can't happen.


I have been reflecting, and something startling has surfaced; I tend to "jinx" myself quite often, like how when I say currently I'm doing something that's of great interest to me and I hope it continues, and the next day I don't have the drive to continue what I've started. It's annoyingly sickening, but it's phases I guess.

Right now I'm in this "phase" of recording down quotes from whatever I find interesting, music movies books interviews. It's pretty neat to read back whatever I've written, I think. Cause I've not done it yet, read it. It's my thing, this habit of not reading it back. I dunno why I can't explain it. There's certainly a reason though, that much I know.


Things have been very dull lately. The same routine almost everyday, and when I look back now I've wasted so much of ample time doin' nothing. How it burns within to come to that realisation. Feels horrible. I kept saying how slow time was moving, and now it's already nearing the year's midpoint. Gosh where have I beeen all this while? Too caught up with time that I never saw it blow past me. Never heard it too.

There's a need to have more meaning in my life right now everything's so dull. I need a change, goodness I need to do something sitting down typing all this isn't gonna help I need to have a big epiphany to really wake up my idea. Takin' these 2 years away from me is unforgivable. I'm sure ya'll will pay for it. Positive, I am. Always.


Rants rants rants, that's what I've been surrounded by lately. Of how bad service here is, of how hot the weather is and how this rice is too soft and that cushion is too stiff and this kiss is no kiss with this touch is empty and this mind is so so so so so full of shit. Oh shut up and shut up. And carry on goodness isn't it bothersome enough just ranting? *epiphany part uno* Dos & tres will come soon.

Last letter first letter pointed this out in one of her tunes titled after an insect that helps produce natural sweetener. "They say it isn’t right they have control of your mind but I choose not to believe that." I live by that honey. And really, now do I understand the tune. What a beautiful tune. Not nearly as you though you're a million miles away. Still, I'll be trekking all the way there.
I've got time, if I use it properly.

A Dark Romance

Pitter pat, it's footsteps I hear. Soft ones, ones that'll keep you asleep. But loud enough, for me to hear them in my head. It's not paranoia I tell 'em, but there's loads I've said that has fallen onto deaf ears. Ears that pick out the slightest of detest.


I don't know if it's ignorance, it might be but who knows. My eyes don't lie, these dark browns are my witnesses.

Stumbling blocks are laid in front of me, all round me. Hurdles pitholes you name it they're all here. Laid in front of me.


They say I'm a deep person. He's said it, she's said it. I've heard it all before, cause I've said it too.

It takes brains to understand all this, what I'm saying. It takes heart to see it.


Here I am, in the dead of day, trying to articulate what I'm thinkin'. And the visual stimulation, is merely visual.

I do wonder what's beneath all that cloth. Beneath all that's beneath that cloth. I'd skin you open just to see you naked. Tear that canvas on you to revel in your raw beauty. Cause at the end of the day, like now, you always are beautiful. I'd eat you while you skin me awake.


This cat's jittery, that ones' calm. Such stark difference. I wonder if I should pity it, the jittery one, cause it's outcast coloured. She didn't really choose to be this way, but who's to give it a chance to prove otherwise? Come here little one I'll shelter you. Oh don't be afraid I won't hurt you. It's unconditional love I'll shower you with, cause you've gone through enough. What I ask in return is for you to never leave me to find someone else, it'll just make me feel all of ya'lls the same. No one else would love you the way I do too. That's a for-sure.

You're so pretty I wanna spend the rest of eternity with you.


It's dark love, the ones in slow mo, the one that's deep feel.
Come on now you can take it, just keep going.
I'll leave you hopelessly breathless.

Prelude

It's like a preview to something, the "beating around the bush" before the real deal. It's essentially the suspense before the surprise.
"Surprise".*scoffs*Or an ugly piece of news.

It's a method I like using, when it comes to many things. Writing, speaking. It gives you a rough idea before the picture is drawn, usually with words of course. Written, spoken, doesn't really matter. It does not necessarily have a link between the two, the preview and the actual piece of news. It's fascinating, though. I think it's a brilliant way of coming, conclusively, to the real deal.

*scroll down for the real deal*
that really cracked me up Wally

I have been wondering a lot lately. Wandering too. Pushing so much to others. At the end of the day it's a culmination of various inputs, but I do believe my plight has a lot to do with what I am surrounded by. And it's really the truth, that I get affected extremely easily, which is why my surroundings are of grave importance. It resonates in me if it's exemplary, and it stinks outta me if it, stinks. Right now, it's stomach-churning.

No one understands honestly. I make so many comparisons, and really, it's a pity. But the worse kind of "pity" is pitying yourself. It's pathetic. A small hint to myself. Just a small one. Big enough for me though, to start thinkin' of an excuse.

The truth is, there is a gulf in difference between me and us. That sometimes it's sad. But I love ya'll I honestly do. And I honestly don't differentiate ourselves because of that. Just help me though, to get outta this.


I've always praised the amount of belief I have in me. That no matter what I do not give up easily, cause I belief that one day something will happen. Nothing in particular, but generally something will.
Truth be told though, I don't have much faith me in now. Life's drained me of it. My life in particular. It's a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. I still do belief in certain things though, and that's with reminders to myself too.

I guess I can't be blamed entirely for it. Cause I've been trying, my best to, work something out. And right now, I've given up. Cause it's dragged me too low. It's time I looked at meself too. On how I can help my. Cause having so much of faith in them has made them complacent.

It's my time now, right now.


I still love life though. I still do. It's a gift I'm thankful for, so grateful for. And it's one life, I'm gonna make sure I make the most out of it.


Monte darlin' play it with all your heart. As much as I do.
I love life with all my heart. As much as you do. As much as I do too.

I do, too. Love life. Love you.

Time Machine

You know, I wouldn't care less about the repercussions of this tempting prospect O' mine. I really wouldn't, cause there's this dying itch in me to be free. Bigger than an itch it's a bothersome ache on me head, makin' my heavy on me heart.


This sudden attraction for things in the early 20th century has really got me fascinated. From music to snapshots, to "moving pictures". The lifestyle of after-work cabarets, to the spoken words of people to the way they used to dress up and behave. I really think it's interesting. This interest has certainly built within me, and I'm brimming with ways to relive the experiences in these places. I've been surrounding myself with objects and ideas that makes me feel so impatient to go to the place I've been thinking of. A country actually.

I really think I have made up my mind. A place I'm familiar with, a lifestyle that I'd revel in, surrounded by the beauty of life. A huge place where I could just get lost when I feel like it, a place where it doesn't restrict your movement and freedom, and it doesn't put you through your paces. Sometimes I feel, in my life here I see nothing but things whizzing past me; There's no second to stop for a moment, and sponge in the beauty of this country, and the life I'm given. Everything here's such a haste, a second lost could mean a lifetime of worries. "Can't stop, I cannot afford to stop". Sorry, that ain't the life for me.
Let the red white and blue fly high; The star-spangled banner's within sight.
The future though, I dunno.

I'm just excited of what the future holds for me. I'm doin' whatever I can in my power to make sure it's the life I dream of. Oh future, I can't wait.


Put me into that machine O'yours. And spin me back to an age where bootleggers roamed the night streets, where music was sung in everyday sorrows and joy, where I'd dress up in a coat wearing my favourite brown hat and bowing down to the ladies I meet. Where they'd twinkle their toes in their best dresses and burn their cigarettes with the charm of a lady. And they'd offer my their hand at a suggestion to dance. Take me to the place where the white boys danced.

I'm in love. With something. And I'm holding on to it.
I'm pacing myself right here.

Wall Note

"First the first, this is. The first of the month. Quit playin' with the order of a sentence and exploiting the uses of punctuations it's confusing when I'm reading it down the road the long winding roads with black tar on wheels and burnin' rubber on the mac. It's tarmac little one."

It's fascinating,I feel, to read through someone. And to know that somehow, people are all deep. I'm not talking about deep purple I'm saying people are all deep. And how some, for reasons unknown only known to themselves, try running away from this.

Consumes, it consumes someone.


I've never really found it easy being me. I didn't say I never liked it, but there have been days where I really do question the use of being this way. It's a choice much of what we do is one. I feel it's very natural of me too.

It's the first of the month. Yet,
I'm already feeling that it was a huge mistake lettin' you in. The things I do at times. No you, not you. Yes, you. You.