Insane Times

I'm gonna disappear. For a while, I'm gonna be. I will.

Till sanity catches up with me.

Dance Puppet

"I don't regret a thing I've done. I only regret the things I didn't do."
Ingrid Bergman

It's a kind of life I couldn't live in, one where I'll sit and ask meself,"Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I do that? Why?"

These essentially are the questions that can lead a strong-willed person to his grave quivering, wondering how different things would have been.


I sit back, and I think about all the things I've done as a person, an individual. There are so many things I did that never yielded the outcome I desired. So many.
And I remember the things I didn't do. Even right now writing this, I have a heavier heart thinking about the things I never did. I mean yes, some of it eventually would wear off, but there are one or 2 that just, depresses.

It was a week ago where I saw how courageous I can be, and that I could make someone long for me. And I felt the connection, the twirling of the wavy hair, the stolen glances. And I left the place, without even looking to fulfill the desire I had within me, to go up, and steal her.

I sat in the car, thinking, pondering. "Should I do it? I wanna do it, but this fear, it grapples. This fear, it paralyses. It's paralysing me."

I wrote my number on a paper, deciding that I'd just drop it in her bag and hope that she would find it and figure it was me who left it in there. Right now, to think that I decided to settle on that meager, pathetic thought just sickens me, especially knowing what I did next.

The words, the ones that came out of my mouth, gosh, I surprised myself really. The next thing, she was sitting beside me, in the car.

I did it, I fuckin' did. It. I did. Un-fuckin'-believable. And I had no regrets whatsoever towards the eventual outcome, cause I knew it was better than to have done nothing at all. It's crazy, I'm insane. This world, is just unbelievable. and i did it.

This fear, I overcame it. Cause all it ever did was hold me back. It's all it ever does, and I freed my soul. Fear was my master, now it's my fuckin' puppet. And I'm controlling it.

So puppet, dance. Dance puppet, dance.

Statue

A stupid song, silly and nonsensical in it's lyrics. The sad part is that, it's now stuck in my head. Like a leech, it's suckin' me dry.

Nome would understand what it's like. I didn't too, till I started. And I, have no intentions of stopping. It's silly, to quit. To know I must. Why bother to start, then?


I knew it, I did. That someone was following me. The number of hits I've been gettin' was the sign. I knew you were following me.

But I don't know you. I think I do, but I'm not one to assume. Come clean, if you want to. Or else, just be away. I've lived long enough without you. I don't need you.

Cold, I know. But you should know, since you claim you do, that I can be, cold. How did I go on without you, then?

"White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes"

I was following the pack,
All swallowed in their coats
With scarves of red tied 'round their throats
To keep their little heads
From fallin' in the snow
And I turned 'round and there you go.

And, Michael, you would fall,
And turn the white snow
Red as strawberries

In the summertime.

People, are gonna walk past me. &I'll be this statue. No movement, just still. Enjoyin', my night.

I know who you are. You know, too. Why waited this long, though?
I'm here, won't be going anywhere, yet. Yet. So if you know you can't live with the answer being a secret, you'll know what to do.

Do something, before I bid farewell. Nome can live with a heavy heart, not even you. That's why you chose to come forward. Now I'm tellin' ya, come clean. Or be just another number in my life.

Do something, before I bid farewell.
I can live, without you.

Welcome Mindfuck

Worries, worries, worries. I'm fill with 'em. So much of 'em. And at such an age where I feel I shouldn'd be worried this much, at least filled with this kind of worries, one does wonder how it'll all be once I hit the older years. I do wonder.

Fuck man, it's not the teeny years. And please, fuck the teeny years. Angst, paranoia, stupid curiosities. The stupid years, years that I lost out a lot on. But I guess, it was part of the journey. Nonetheless, fuck those years. And the soon-to-be last 2 years. Yes, it's soon. Not that soon, but it's nearing. I just ain't thinkin' 'bout it. Looks like there's space for something back there. Figure.


So figures I wasn't being accompanied during this whole journey, this whole duration. The whole support thing wasn't really there. It wasn't real. Pseudo. Thanks. It's left me bare, thinkin' there really is no hope in this place we're in here. Here, not there here there somewhere nowhere some place no place and this some place is that stupid mother-fucking place.

Place place place. It'll be places I'd be going soon, I know. It's something I sense, a deep feeling for it. It's sorta this determination thing, which, when I tell nome would understand. But I know, I'm gonna be going places. And yes, I said nome, not none whatsoever.


Fuck this, just fuck it. It isn't the night I wanted.

"Welcome"

I know, how the fuck youse minds' work.
I know, how your mind works.
So don't be trippy, don't be damned.
This mental profiling I do, it's one I created on my own, for my own use.
Once again, no one knows how it works. No one would.
So welcome mindfuck.

Welcome, and be fucked.