Depths

I've just immersed myself. Totally immersed. It feels sick thinking about it, but I'm enjoying this feeling of suffocation. I'm suffocating now, I really am. It might not be literal, but I'm suffocating in my immersion session. What the fuck, it's totally smothering me, making it tough for me to breathe. I know it won't be long till I turn blue with eyes bulging out and my lungs screaming for oxygen, but honestly, I don't give a fuck. I'm enjoying this too much to stop.

Take me, take me away. Take me away into the depths, and show me things I've never seen and let me feel what this skin has yet to feel. Let me struggle sweetly, let me gasps enjoyably. Cause the slew of words in this melodious beat is just killing me. It's unbelievable. The way all the words join up to make a sentence, and all the sentences joining up to make this song. I'm just taken aback at this.

You know there are some songs that are just radio hits, and you know there are some songs you appreciate that do not appeal to the general public? This one, I don't know. It appeals to me. It doesn't just appeal to me; It suffocates me. With the words used, and the beat that holds up all these words, it's as if an angel came down from the heavens. It's captured my every ounce of breath I have within me. How can I possibly let you know what it sounds like? My description's already written here. I just hope it can illustrate my point.

I'm in awe, I absolutely am. I just can't believe that such a song can exist. I just want to die in it, I want to give myself to it. Take me away sweet angel, I'm yours. That's not the song title just for your info. Don't put me in that group.


You know what's depressing in all of this? It's the fact that, I know, I can never be able to voice out this song as well as the singer. I know the singer is very gifted. It's just sad that no matter how much I try, I can't leave that same impression the singer has left me with. Trust me, it's sad. It's depressing.

So on a depressing note, I'm going to show just how much I love this song. I'm gonna enjoy it the way I like it best. I'm gonna sing to it. I know I can never do it as well, but I'm gonna do it to the way I enjoy it. Use ear plugs for all I care. This is the way I enjoy.

I've got this spirit in my glass. It's seriously horrid, gives me convulsions every time I sip on it. And every time I pass a glance on my glass, I shake my head in disgust. What a horrid choice. Pass me my mellow tasting Scotch.

I need to wash this taste out. Urgh, yuck. And I've got to keep it? Goodness gracious.


It's been a while, but what you did has given me big fetishes. I can't stop it. Be proud at least, that you're the reason all this started. Cause if it wasn't for you, I'd probably be untouched.

And I'll whisper intensely,
Into your ears;
I know you're creaming.
After what I said.
I know you are.

Yes, the song's still in my ears. Ringing, it's turning me blue.

Suffocate me, strangle me.
I like the feel of desperation.
It's adrenaline I'll live on.
It's the words I'll live on.
Not air.

Take me.

Unwind

Turn off the white lights, dim the lamp. And lower the volume on this thing, I can't think when it's too loud.

It seems pretty odd for me to be here 3 nights in a row. Something must be up.
No, this is my escape, from all responsibilities. My place, for me to let loose.

It's not as if I do not like having responsibilities. I'm sure everyone would agree that eventually things get the better of you, and that's when you need your place where no one and no thing will plague you. That you can strip yourself of everything, leaving nothing but the bare essentials, and let loose. Let everything go, don't leave anything sagging; It makes you feel like the weight isn't fully off you.

We've been talking a lot. Have said loads of stuff, shared stories and experiences. And sometimes, well most of the times, maybe in fact all, I like it when I'm heard. Makes me feel special. Like I mean something to be heard. And I appreciate the attention given to me. I hope I give the same back.

It was a realisation when I was walking out of the huge arena. I looked around, and there I was. In a place where all of us felt the full force of music. And I looked around, as I did a thought came into me immediately.

If not for what happened a few years back,
I wouldn't have been where I am now.
I wouldn't have been who I am now.
I wouldn't have loved how I love now.

Definitely, a blessing in disguise. Mitch Albom said this: All endings are new beginnings, we just don't see it at that time. Mitch buddy, spot on mate.

You see patterns here? Words meant to shape up, hence the words may lack flow, they make it up with shapes. Can you see them?

I never saw it coming, what a nightmare those days were. Pfft-ed at those who told me otherwise, and now I stand here saying all of ya'll were right. I'm so much off better now than I would have been if nothing had happened. Definitely, I swear to that. Separation has made me a better man. Now let the real love come lift me away. To you.


Even spaces mean something. Means the end of something, the start of another. Did you know?

You know, you might have been the reason for a new liking I have. I honestly never thought it'd be an attraction, let alone the cause of erection. And I sit here remembering what happened. Fills me with disgust for what I did, I console myself knowing you wanted it as bad.
And now, I can't get enough of it. It's a fetish I can't get enough of it. Desperation fills me when I wish for a reenactment, but I know, it's never going to happen again. It'd be wrong to think that it will.
I wished it would though. I want it as much as I don't want it. That's me being honest. That's me telling you I might never forget it. You won't be able to see this though. Cause your head's all messed up.
Deep down though, I know you'd want it as bad. Maybe even more than me, I know you do. You're just confused, you want it.

Unwound, forget about it

High Flies

I'm on a high. So fucking high, I'd jump out of my skin for another. Cause one has rescinded, and another has been erected. I'm so high on them.

I made a promise to one of my closest mates. That, if they were to ever come to my sunny island I call home, I'd buy entry the very next day. A promise that I half-fulfilled, cause I bought it days later, but still, I bought it. You won't believe how high I was. High, high as the motherfucking sky. Surprisingly the word motherfucking isn't highlighted as an error. The word isn't is. Strange.

I got lost in their music, I searched for a scientist to fix you so that we could together go see the violet hill and scream "long live life". Go figure, it's pretty brainless actually if you catch my lingo.

I kept my promise, that's what I'm so happy about. I feel proud of myself. Well done mate.
I wonder what "one day it will happen" means in latin. Any volunteers?


I don't do dedications, so you should know that it must be really special.

I'm hurt. Yes, still hurt. A lot. But for different reasons though.

For hurting you. And as quick as I was in exposing my feelings out here, I'm going to be as quick as possible to expose my feelings, again.

I can never bear having the thought of losing you. Days were made brighter with your words, you untied the noose around my neck many times when it was bleak. Never did you once said no, never did you not help me. I could never lose you, for you're my guarding angel. Saviour, you've saved me. And Saviour, you were brave. No one has ever faced my dark face and apologized. You did exactly that, knew that it was you who I was talking about, knew that you had to talk to me about it. Knew that I needed to talk to you. There were a couple of times it might have been about you here. I just never wanted to let you know.

What was I thinking? I could never lose you. I never want to. You're too precious for me, nothing could replace you. Nothing comes close.
Sorries have been exchanged, no one's officially forgiven one another because no one thinks they should forgive one or the other vice versa. Hidden, I know.

Let this day be told, the day that I admit the love I have for you. It may be a different one, but it's love nonetheless. Too much to let it go, I love you too much to let it go. Forgive me.
Cause, I love you.

I mentioned that she isn't the perfect one. She isn't.
You're perfect, you deserve more. We care more, we share more. Cause we feel more for each other. We felt more, for each other.

I still feel the same way for you as before. Let nothing change what we have.

Dedication ends. Ego-boost, did you pick it up?


And we were talking about death, well I was. And that, I don't want to die soon. I'm loving life too much to hate it now. But if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

I don't want to tempt fate.
But,
I don't want to leave just yet.
Cause,
I've got a lot more to achieve.
And,
I know it will happen.
Cause,
One day it will happen.

Belief, and it will happen one day.
For tonight, I still see the stage when I close my eyes. So let me close my eyes and fall into nirvana. And close my eyes, to see a new day.

Joy & Tears

There's so much on my mind, and this will only be about what's on my mind. Certainly jet lag is a talking point, but not for now. Because I'm back, hurt. My smile's killing me within.

I've had a life's-first experience, I got my eyes treated to one of the most luscious landscape I've ever seen. I remember approaching the brow, and a sign said,"Breathtaking view, 300m." I thought to myself, damn, we're not going there. As soon as we went over the brow into descend, the view was literal. I remember being so awestruck I had difficulty catching my breath. Stunning, absolutely gorgeous.

I got the chance to finally experience lifestyles' not near Asia. The place might made me feel that I couldn't run away from them all, but most were "different" people. And experiencing the life there makes me feel blessed. I can finally tell stories not based in this little island.

I'm dozing off here, but I need to get my thoughts out before it neutralizes into a meaningless form.

I really feel very thankful for everything. Being able to finally defy gravity, being able to meet my relatives. Unfortunately all this came at a price.

My heart's been broken into pieces. To think that a few months back you were the one who was urging me to travel along with you, only for me to feel special. Neglected were my feelings, nothing else mattered. And when I asked for one favour after giving in to your every need, I instead got a kick. It felt more like a slap, like a slab falling on my chest.

Was I asking for too much? In my whole trip, I never got one day for just the both of us. I just needed someone to bring me around, knowing that I've never been here before, and that it would be a while more before my next trip. I wasted the duration of my stay offering help to someone who i thought held my feelings up high, away from land scavengers. Instead, I was left burning.

You've hurt me so bad tears are the only way for me to release all this. Used, manipulated, cheated, unsympathised. I feel so lousy as a person, disgraced. I feel so lousy, took me and hung me. Even now the head's spinning like a top.

Stupid of me to have felt this way.
You've hurt me. Even now I feel shards in me.
You've hurt me.
I wanted to whisper in you ear when you came to me teary looking for a hug. "You've hurt me real bad. And I'm in so much of pain. Because you're the last person whom I thought would rip me into pieces."
And now looks like you've got what you want. There's no need for me, now is it?

Literal pain, you've hurt me. I feel handicapped.

I never thought you'd do this to me. I'll tear myself to bed. Remember what I said?

The goodbyes' we have are never happy ones, it's never a happy goodbye. We always leave with heaving hearts. This one, no different.

Eliminate

What'd I tell ya? Nights are getting colder, no? It's the expression bitches.

The goodbyes' we have are never happy ones, it's never a happy goodbye. We always leave with heaving hearts. This one, no different.

I'm having voices in my head. The other half is awakening. Fuck you fuck you, get it sedated. I can't have him awake now.

I'm in shit deep as hell, and I need to get myself out. It's not a good place to be in.

Nothing'd be told, the whispers of my heart gets canceled out by smiley families with daggers in pockets and hands beside it. Unbelievable that no one's safe.

Whisps of voice, not your voice.

Night's are getting quieter too.

Yet, no one hears the shrieking screams in my head.

Approach me not, don't give me false hopes and expect me to clear the fears. Cause the problem isn't me. The problem is you. I wish I could eliminate you. For you, are the creator, of this mess.

Vital signs are beginning to tell their stories, hearts begin to strain. Electric jolts in chests and abdomens, the signs are telling. It's just up to the physical appearance to show all this. And I am not doing this on purpose. But I know I can fight it. I can fight this.

I sit, head empty as a shell. Lifeless, emotionless. Just blank. It has started to eat me up again.

I sit, wondering why you're doing this. To me, to him, to him, to her, to us.

I sit, wondering the motive. Have we not provided you enough that you have to start eating us? You fucking cannibal, you're a figure of taboo in my head. Angelic face and crying out symptoms, I see through you, I see through your lies. I've see so much lies it eats the trust away. And now, I'm left with none for you. I'm destroying me. I'm gonna destroy the cause before I do that.

I can't think straight. Dreams are reflecting his revival.

I'm not gonna give up, I'm not destroying myself for you. Ain't worth it.

Let this fortnight absence be my knight. To turn me into a knight.
I'll be back, in my shiny armour.
I've fought you, I ain't giving up you powerless cunt. I'll sedate you, this time, forever. You're powerless, I'm the greater force you fear. You fear me, I fear you not.

&Haiku

Mirror Talk

Tonight, I missed a prophet's performance. Gone, was my chance to finally treat my ears with the one voice that has mesmerized me through these months of music nirvana. And to think that I had actually ordered the tickets, only for me and my mates to decide on letting it go in hope of getting better ones. Little did I know, it was more than just letting go of the tickets; It was letting that once in a lifetime opportunity of music bliss slither away into some cunt's hand who hardly knows a breath of his nirvanic-verses. I know, that it's not a real word. It'll just have to do for now.

At first I told myself that it was alright. It wasn't meant to be, indeed. I just didn't know it'd be so hard for me to wake up in the morning, and realise that a fucking clueless cunt has the tickets to watch a prophet performing. Live, in front of his eyes, it feels so undeserving. At least my mates have watched him once before. Me? It just wasn't meant to be.

I'll see you one day, that I'm sure of.
Till then, patience my brown brother, patience.
Stop raining on my cheeks.

It's probably not the best time to be here. Nothing's been smooth sailing for me for a while now. The nights have suddenly felt lonelier. The trip couldn't have came at a better time, albeit it could have been better in other ways.

It seems as though there's a lack of understanding. So many assumptions being made here, there, everywhere. And it seems as though I've been the main cause of all this made assumptions. Some of it true, some of it totally painful to know that I'm seen under that light in the eyes of many. I honestly thought at that time that silence would be the way forward. But what on earth was I thinking about? It was never gonna be the saviour of the cause; It was merely a way for me to squeeze out some time to think things through. Time helped me realise this.

It seems as though I'm the main cause of this assumption-making sessions. Have I wronged? Possibly. Would I like to make things right? Depends on who I've wronged. But still, it hurts to know I'm seen like this in many's eyes.

At times, I do sit down and wonder: Would my presence ever be missed if I were to go poof! away from here? No no, do not ring the suicide bells just yet. I'm just curious like everyone else to know the impact of my existence.

My take is, life goes on as normal. The Earth won't stop orbiting 'round the Sun, the sky will still be blue, and it'd definitely not stop global warming.
Still, I seek solace in the fact that, my departure will have an impact in small little worlds. And I'll leave a trail of tears as I'm sent off to my final resting place. I'm just wondering, who will these tears come from?

It'd definitely be nice knowing that I had impacted someone's life. Even if it's just one person, it'll make my existence here much more fulfilling to know that my actions would be missed. Because right now, it feels as though my actions mean nothing to no one. Feels undeserved, feels gut-wrenching. Maybe it's because I'm expecting something extraordinary from a simple situation? Maybe I'm not doing as much as I think I am? Everything lies in me, doesn't it?

Still, I feel undeserved. And I do wonder, if the world would be a better place without me. I guess tonight's the night my insecurities are revealing themselves. I'm not ashamed though, because I want to feel important. Like everyone else.
And I know I am. To a few.
You are too. To a few.
So let's wait and see, if I'm right.

The silent night's crying here me out
No one's listening everyone's asleep
Except me


And the lone crow squawks you fucking cunt
Too bad I understood
Too bad I have a gun
Too bad no ammo
Too bad

You fucking cunt