Amber

Looks like tonight might have been the night I've been finally caught. Not exactly red-handed, but news, as it always would, will spread like the wild fires of Indonesia. I don't quite know the outcome of it all. It might create a haze, it may create fruitful soil for new possibilities. Right now, I just don't know.

And like so much nowadays, I really don't quite know what the outcome would be. For 16 years there's always been a blueprint for me to follow. Everything's been laid out like a highway for me to go on, pit stops forming parts of the journey. But I guess the haze, fog, mist in front is really blurring my vision, and the headlights aren't strong enough right now for me to see what's ahead. For all I know, I would have to be the one making a new layout for the road in front of me. It's quite daunting honestly, and I'm trying to turn this fear, into excitement. I just need certainties, and right now, nothing's certain. Even the car I'm in feels lost, the drivers' anxious to see what's ahead.


I've really learnt quite a lot from my 4 weeks in that God-forsaken place. A lot. I guess that's what I always do, learn. A lifelong process many would say, and I don't disagree one bit. In fact, I agree, wholeheartedly.

I've met so many people, I've done so much. But there's still so much ahead, and it's quite exciting, and daunting at the same time. I'm not the most adventurous of people, but I always like to push my limits and boundaries. Cause the sky's the limit, and I'm still planted firmly, feet on Earth's earth.


I guess hope's been faltering in me. Everyday I feel a little more of myself getting lost in all of this. It's scary, cause I really don't know how to find it back. Find the person in me, the one I once was. It's depressing times there's no question about it. But I try to put it behind me, all of it, when I'm out. Cause all it ever does it just drag me down.

And I've been to hell, not quite back yet. I know though, it's within reach. Everyday's a new step on my ladder. And demons are clutching me at my feet, with all my strength I'm fightin' them, one by one. Some are quite strong, but sorry, not as strong as the will in me.


Imma fight on, I always have, I always will. I know, I trust in me.

Realism of Morphing Dreams

Crazy, it's crazy weather. But oh so good it feels right now, the cold wind blowing subtly in your face. And you know this won't last. Oh no hon it won't last forever, like every one moment you go through. So live in it. Live in, the moment. I was. Fantastic, couldn't ask for more. And even if I wanted to, I was being realistic.


To round of a week like this, it would be quite a task. Really, there's no point on where to begin. I've not got much to start with, but I'd say it hasn't been perfect. Far from it I'd say, but there's always positives to look at.

So yes, all the determination and effort did pay off. Being the best, and not just getting the title, but earning it was one of the sweetest things the week has brought me. I'd say that I'm honestly proud of the achievement, and now a token of proof that I really did earn the title would cap it all off. I really do mean it, I'd wanna have something to take back. To show me, that I did it. I did it.


As I said, there's not much to bring up here. It's a different life on that island, and I feel like fish outta water when reality kicks in. But it's reality I live in, it'll just take a little time to get used to it all over again. Peace of mind, I need that. It's not too easy to function without it it really isn't. Again, time will bring this boil back down to a simmer. I'm gettin' a little impatient though.


And the dreams I've been having, well it's been similar to the dreams of old. But this time, when I take the time to reflect on it, it's quite surreal. One minute I'm with someone the next they've morphed into another person my dreamy mind don't realise. Not until I think about the nights' happenings that I do realise, and it's quite freaky really, but that's how my mind works when reality takes a break. I've been too real that now, I wanna be pseudo. I don't wanna be that all the time, so yes, it's an art of balancing. An art I consider quite deceiving, yet at times it comes in handy. So far this form of escapism is quite a thrill. Cause sometimes, the truth ain't worth shit. Sometimes.


It's one more week to go, and then I'll have to get myself adjusted to the current life. The real one. It's becoming a drag cause not much is going the way I hope for, but I should just remain positive. Cause after all, one day has 24 hours. It's not as if there's a machine to stop day horrors turning into night melodies. That's what I keep at the back of my mind. No matter how dull something can get, it'll soon be all over.

The good days are ahead of me, I know it is. Right now I just need to focus on the task at hand. Right now, I need extra effort and motivation to get this phase out of the way. Right now, I don't need anyone else except myself.

Right now? The bed's calling. Let there more morphed dreams ahead.
Till then? Keep the love going.

Prodigal

Let's focus on the positives, no point dwellin' on the "-" things. I was reminded of this. Thank you.


Quite an eventful day I'd say. Besides beating the last-alphabet monster it was a truly enjoyable day. And for that, I'd say my most gracious thank you to all who made it possible. I truly appreciate the thought in everything. Thanks y'all, all of y'all.


It's been a truly remarkable year. Not much has changed, but everyday's a new chapter. Every experience too.


It's been a mixed journey so far. One that's hurt too, but I guess, it was inevitable. After all, it's the same outcome everytime, which is leaving me truly fed up with certain things.

&Pics of you in my head ain't going away, it's playing like a screwed-up projector, and I truly feel dampened by a finding that was answered in the most nicest way, I guess. Still, it sucks. This sucks. Miserable really, I am. I really don't know where to go to from here. And as far as I'm concerned, this sucks.

You know what sucks even more? Trying to stay awake after being deprived of good ol' rest. So I'll bid farewell.
Ciao.

2 Hundred

I just thought about this, that, if there was ever a day where, for some reason, I leave this place, let my writings be your memory of me. Cause really, if there was a place where it holds so much of me, it's here.


I've been packing. A trip, not one I want but, it's already gonna happen so let's accept it. And yes, the place that I am going to isn't exactly a holiday retreat, with it's silly rules and nonsensical regimentation. But if it was one thing that reminded me of why I love life so much, it was that piece of paper that, for some coincidental reason, acting like a reminder, peeled off from the blue-tack it's attached to on the wall, and flipped on the other side revealing what I always believe in. That, I love life, and that, it's beautiful

&Guess what? Nothing's changin' it.

I'll see you on the day I came to be. Till then, keep the love goin'.

The Criminally Insane

"We weren't made perfect, but we were born to achieve."
Me


If it's one thing that will end all of humanity, it'll be us driving ourselves to our own graves. Cause we begin to die as soon as we've started to live.

I would be ashamed though, to meet our forefathers in whichever after-life place you believe in, and face them knowing that, we were the pilots of our own downfall, the victims of our self-made disasters. Ashamed, to let them know that they too played a role in this tale, the disastrous fairytale that wasn't meant to have a happy ending.

It would be sad, one would say, most probably the next race of mutated organism, that such a superior race was brought to their knees by the very own creations that helped propel them as the Aryans around. Indeed the name of the game was to eradicate the inferior race and make sure the superior ones were here to stay. Too bad the stronger ones weren't as bright as their nomadic counterparts.

They were warn, oh yes they were. But that's the beauty of it. They talk, but nobody listens to crazy people. Who's had the last laugh?

What was the crime though? They were just doing what they were naturally programmed to; Survive.