My Poetic Heart

I feel lost. 

I feel weary. 

I feel that all that I've been holding back is gonna explode. Like the water gates holding back the pending gush from its dam. You can see, I'm already leaky. I'm holding it back, I'm forcing to keep the gate shut.

I don't want to be a dam. I want to be a champagne bottle. Bubbly, tasteful, sweet. And I wanna *pop* with fizz and fragrance everytime I burst, not swallow all empty canals like a dam. I want to be greeted with a *woohoo* instead of *run for your lives*. 


Why is it so hard? So hard, to have happiness? To have comfort in life? To have happiness in my life? I chose to be happy, I chose to have fun. But all my choices have been affected by the inability to pursue all this. 

Am I not working hard enough? What is hard enough? I've given up so much to get there, I don't know what else I will have to put aside. 

"My Aching Heart"

I'm a good guy. I'm never rude to anyone, I speak with the gentleness of heart and the sincerity of love. I care for people who are less fortunate, I try my very best to help those in need of miracles in life with whatever I have. I love.

Yet, I've been left heartbroken so many times. So many, that right now, it's just numb. 
Yet, I've been treated like someone who deserves no respect. 
Yet, I've been abandoned.


I feel sad, to think of how I actually planned out my life, and how it has actually panned out. I feel so sad, to look at people being given the opportunity, and me, always looking for a chance but not given one. I've never wanted a life like this. I've never thought that I'd actually live this way. I've never thought my life would ever be like this.

There's no point in ever sharing your sorrows with someone, because no one really knows how bad it is except yourself. I do know that I have a selected group of people who, despite their hectic lives and own issues, would take the time to hear me out. But still, they really won't know just how bad it is. 

And at times, I don't need reasoning. I just need someone to listen, without saying a word. I just need someone to listen, without feeling the fuckin' urge to give me your perspective about the possible reasons. I just need the eyes of interest and comfort, and the silence of care and acknowledgement. I know someone who only knows how to be this way. Too bad, it can never be a permanent fixture for me. 

"My Heart"

If this carries on, I'd really be done. Done, with everything. Done, with my pursuit of happiness. I was never under any illusion that this was gonna be easy, but I never knew how difficult it was gonna be either. And at the back of my mind I know that I have been giving my all, I've never thought otherwise about that. I always know I am capable of even more, but I know that eventually, if this rut carries on, I'm done. 

I've loved, I've had good times. Some, when I think back on, makes me smile in tears. Is that what my happiness is; looking back at the good times, while currently living in the bad, and smiling to myself? It's only gonna make my heart grow fonder, and I can't deceive myself in such a way. Maybe that's why I hate nostalgia? Maybe.

Maybe things were never meant to be, and I was only under the illusion of my aspirations and pseudo abilities. 

Such a heartbreaking thought. 

make it easy for me. just tell me if i will ever be great, and I will decide on my next course of action.