Singular

The frequency of me being here is a warning sign.

Make no doubt about this; I am a lonely person. Alone, in a place of my own. I'm by myself mostly. And it's getting stale. This smell, the smell of me, is getting stale. I wanna smell something else. Someone else.

I'm getting sick about this. I'm getting sick at the thought of doing things by myself. The thought, of hearing my own voice most of the time.

It's a constant irritation. Look, I want to have someone else to share my stuff with. Cause all I've been doing is solving things by myself, and I am exhausted. I really am. It's so fucking annoying, and I'm running out of solutions.

I need someone. Don't be fooled, I do.

Fuck this.

It's still eating me, gnawing within me. Yet, the world doesn't stop.

I am not intoxicated, not yet. It feels depressing though.

My honest opinion? There's really not much left here. Except for the people who have impacted my life in one way or another, there really isn't much here.

I might be gone. Away from here. To someplace else. Where life starts all over. I might.

I bury my face in my palms. My head hangs low. Lips, bitten. My eyes, they tell the real story. But so far, no one wants to know.


What does it mean to me, perfection?
To be happy.
Right now, I'm not.


I am 23 years old...

or 276 months old
or 1,200 weeks old
or 8,403 days old

& Just for one day, I'd like to be perfect. To have all the things I want in life. To achieve all parts of my happiness. Let me just, for once, taste this invisible entity, which is only interpreted through facial expressions and a healthy heart.

Too much to ask? Fuck you.

Black Window

There's more to life than this. There's more to it.

But why isn't it showing yet? Am I being too impatient? Am I being too optimistic? Or, am I being too ignorant to see what's on my plate?

I highly doubt so. A "no" to all those questions above. Cause it's really been so long. So, so long. I really don't know how much longer I'll have to wait.

It's killing me within, it really is. And it's killing me softly. Amidst all the noise and chaos the screaming in me can't be heard. Even I can't hear me screaming. But I can certainly feel it. And it's gnawing at the bones, within the marrow it's piercing these calcium-made hardness. This solid structure is slowly decaying, and all that would be left is just this muscle, this pump of life. It'll continue pumping till the muscles slowly deteriorate. Till the vultures dig into the gaping holes.

The vultures are hovering over me. It feels that way. They're just waiting, their preying eyes watching me crumble.

I'm crumbling. Crumbling, at the thought of never seeing what I want. Crumbling, at the sight of seeing what's on my plate. Cause there's nothing. Clean. Not even crumbs.

There was never anything to begin with.

Fuck you and fuck you and fuck all this and fuck the world

You don't know shit. Nothing. No-motherfucking-thing.

I'm drowning myself in fury, pretending all's cool when the fact it all is torn in me and all is dying in me. But what the fuck do you know. All you know is, I'm happy. I'm this happy feet motherfucker where all's about love and understanding and calmness. Well fuck you, and fuck you. Just fuck you.

Only Human

The night fills my place, it's cold nature and dark lighting making it ideally cosy. Sounds of laughter pierce through the silence, like a hot needle through water. Glowing red, glowing no more. It's shiny exterior lighting the translucent liquid.

Pure, oh pure. Purity and steel. Extinguish the fire, douse the flames of my heart. It's heat warming me through the intensity of this cold.

Throughout the evening it pours. Of vapour and mist. It's heat, the heat from me.
I'm not letting this fire go out. I'm not giving up on this. Cause my cold, cold heart has been reignited by your presence in my life. Now it's only your touch that will keep me sane.

I miss you, I miss you. I wish tonight, I could kiss you. I've made my wish, I've made up my mind. It's you that I want, it's only you who I'll be with in light. In darkness. And, in life.

The Mental Block

Pierce through me now, for I shall feel no pain. I shall shed no tear. Cause I have none to feel, none to give.

Numb. That's how I feel right now. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't feel anything. I can't do anything right.

I can't eat. imissyou.
I can't sleep. imissyou.
I can't breathe. imissyou.


I'm nothing. Nothing, without you.

imgoingcrazy

Debauchery

It feels like a big joke is being pulled on me.

All these years, years where my unwavering optimism has been the one key feature people see in me, I've realised it's all a joke. A big fat painful joke. A joke life is pulling off, me being the butt of it.

I have got no faith in anything. There is no fate. No such thing as destiny. Because if there is, I would be smiling. By now, after all that I've been through, I would be finally smiling, with full sincerity.

Fuck you. Just fuck you. You've made me cry more than I could ever imagine, tormented worst than a rape victim. Yes, I'm looking above, at you. To tell you. Fuck you.