Surreal Optimism

From high energy, to low mellow. That's how I like my last weekday night to be. It's morning though. It's confusing, don't bother.

So many things, so much to talk about. But so much do not want to come out in words that can fill these spaces in this box. It's a challenge for me, I feel, to convert my thoughts into words. Words that would make sense to others other than myself. It's a challenge for many I guess, I just feel it's one of my biggest challenge I always face when I'm here. This is a magical place though, and in some ways things just work out by itself. It's confusing, don't bother.

I'm feeling really disorientated lately. It's most probably the drugs I've been on. It's usually the case when I'm on them. Cloudy thoughts, jittery fingers, and the feeling that something is just not right. And after a while, when things do get better, everything else feels more normal. Then again, what's normal? Which bring me to my very frequent question; If everything is so subjective, what's the point in having a dictionary? No point at all, won't you agree? Won't you.


Things just do not seem right these days. So much doubts, so much negativity surrounding me. &It's difficult to shake all this off of me. &It's always a challenge I feel, to bring myself back up again when things just go down. I've figured out why, though.

Cause it's heartbreak. Not the old cliché of a heartbreak, but it's a physical one, where I feel my heart ache. Cause I give so much of myself, so much, only for someone to inflict hurt so bad I lose myself in the process. It makes me feel so vulnerable, so easy. But the thing is, not everything is supposed to work this way. That's what I seek solace in. And that is why I do not give myself up that easily. It's lessons I've learnt, the hard way, but nonetheless, lessons.


And talking about lessons, I've been going through what I've said in older entries. Boy! what preaching. It sort of digusts me in a way because, it has never been my intentions to enforce my beliefs onto others. I just like sharing, I guess sometimes I get too carried away and I start to lose focus. It happens, and that's why the entries are still there. It's to show the mistakes I've made in the past, and how proud I am now to see the change I've gone and currently am going through at the very moment. Cause we change everyday, cause we learn more everyday. Cause we're not perfect, I'm a perfect example of that. It's confusing, try though.

I'm enjoying myself though, bit by bit. Not everything's going my way, which is shitty in a way, but it's making me realise slowly that sometimes, some things are just beyond control. And that all I can do, is control the one thing I'm capable of; Myself.

Things have been dull lately. Miserable, meaningless, hopeless. And thanks to this throbbing head of mine, everything feels much worse. It'll go away though, I tell myself, belief that it'll go away. Cause belief is all that I have left. I can't have that taken away from me, too. I'll be left with nothing. Bare. Naked. Nice.


&When I keep hearing myself say things like, look at what I've lost, it just makes me feel shitty. It also makes me feel that I'm pitying myself, which is really pathetic. But it's like a tug-of-war thing, where I'm in the middle and I do not know which way I should sway towards.
&That's how I'm feeling right now, compass-less, map-less, no direction, no route.
&It just makes me realise that, I should forget about things as they are right now. And that, I should concentrate on things that currently matters the most to me. It's like a self-coaxing method I have for myself. And it usually works.

I dunno, I really don't know. I've got so much belief in things, so much so that it's scary for some. But it's the beauty of things isn't it, belief? I think it might be the epitome of beauty. Belief, that's all we need.

&Now I'm feeling more emotions flooding through me. Vision's starting to give way, my head's feeling lighter. Everything feels slower, steadier. This is the kind of place I want to be in most of the time. I know it's impossible to always be like this, but I'll choose this over anything else in the world. With just silence, and the only thing I can hear is myself. When my thoughts can be heard miles away. It's a surreal experience, one I would want to go through before my time here is over.

"Flooded"

I keep saying this
and I'll continue to do.

That I love life.
And the beauty it holds.

So much pain.
It's a bittersweet romance,
the one thing you'll never be able to live
unlike any other.

Life,
by itself,
it's the best thing ever.

If I had to do it over,
I'd do it the same.
I really would.

Belief me,
I would.

&Haiku
&Out
Out

Parting Shots

What better way to end a miserable week, than to meet up with 4 of your closest friends, and have a sweet chill session. What better way? What better way.

What 2 weeks it's been. Shitty, miserable, and embracing it by myself. &I keep thinking back on what others told me; These 2 years are gonna fly by you. You'll be transformed, from boy to man. &how I wished I could tell 'em, some go in as idiots and stay as one for their whole lives. What a joke.

I'm just enjoying tonight, though. Tonight, we sang, we laughed, we opened, and we long for more. Tonight; I'm just living in the moment.


I had to come here, it's been quite a while since the last one here. I was somewhere else earlier in the week. And I thought it was the best time I had there. I was just being me, simply said. Of course, we all know there's more to that. I'll share in the later parts. It was wonderful though.

I'm falling deeper and deeper, though. Deeper and deeper, into her. Really, I wish I could have the chance to get to know you. I think you're just so beautiful, your voice speaks raspy volumes, and you're just so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I really wish I could have the chance I really do. They know I'd do anything. Cause you, drive me mad inside. And I melt upon seeing you. Cause you, are just beautiful. So fucking beautiful.

I'm having double vision now. I'm still hearing you though. &I still wonder if you were the one who rang me. I don't wanna know, but I secretly hope it's you. Cause it feels good, to know you still remember the past. And hope still lingers in you. That's the highest compliment to anyone, because now, I really do not know what to do. As much as your image still haunts me today, I secretly want to see you.

You still drive me crazy, you do.

Neuro

I'm just sick of so many things. Not ill sick, just sick to my stomach. Antics, rules, senseless obligations. Sick. To the stomach.

Neurotic's the word to describe what I've been like during the first week of the year. Just complete highs, and depressing lows, to being numbed from time to time. When will all this stop? Really, I have no clue.


I've realised that so many things that has been said here has all been about the lowliness I've been experiencing. It's honestly true, this is how things have been for me. To top it all of, I'm experiencing by far the worst 2 years of my life. Aimless, degrading, everything associated with a decision forced upon me.

I keep telling myself to not think about all this, and yes, when I don't concentrate on these meager issues it really does feel different. But once it creeps into me, when I lose concentration to keep it out in the first place, it just drags me down. All the way down. All the fucking way down. Down, down, down into the fucking ground.

It's lifeless really, what I'm going through now. The ideal way to deal with it is to be numb. Feel no misery, show no remorse. It really is unlike me to show no emotions, so you can imagine how low I'm already stooping. There really is no other way though, and I'm only talking about one thing.

The rest of the stuff I've been going through, well, I just wish I could have someone who would really put their arms around me and squeeze me hard. Cause I have so much that's stuck in me, like I've got potential, but I'm not being pushed hard enough.

Yearnings, wishes of what could be. And now, even the most simplest of tasks are a challenge. Cause things have only been going one way, I feel so out of touch with things from the other side. Cause the other side seems ages away now, that's how much I've been losing. Ages, that's the key. It indicates a timeframe, ambiguous as usual, that's the style.

&Somehow the music player has reached my favourite part of the album. Where all songs are so soft it blows you away in ways you can't imagine. I could sleep to this I honestly could, such calmness and serenity. I can't imagine meeting someone like you; Dreams would never be the same again.

Take me away. Far far away, where no one can find me. Far far away, where civilisations are non-existant. Where I'm the first to see the sun and the last to see the sun. Where the stars are within grasps, and the moonlight illuminates my world. And you, you be beside me. Telling me everything's alright. And that, you will always be here no matter how bad things get. And that you belief in what I'm doing and you belief in me. And you belief in what we have, cause belief is what I need. Right now, and I ain't getting any. Cause I've given up in some aspects. It's more of realising I've been making a bad investment of my time. Yet deep down I do harbour hopes, right now I just do not, do not give a fuck, give a fuck.

There's no satisfaction in anything.
Show me the light once more.