Dark Art

You know what would have made this afternoon nicer? If it was raining non-stop. Dark clouds, cool air, fresh smell of rain. Still, this would have to do.

I don't know, they say tomorrow's the day I turn into a man. It's a 2 year journey apparently. Well it did take 9 months before I was ready to come out, I suppose everything has it's duration as well.

Haha, I know we all wished we had the chance to say "no thanks" to that 2 year journey had we had the option,"I'd rather stay on the other side". It really is the other side for most, the murky sea separating one from the other. However, it really isn't up to us. Most of it is down to the doctors who assesses us. All we can do is pray to get some kind of deformity if we knew the 2 years awaiting us. And oh, I heard from a source that some of them spend 2 years scouring the worldwide web for virtual badmouths who condemn the system. Don't look here, I'm merely expressing things the way I do best. And I'm sure many already in the system would envy your job scope.

I'm not in remorse, or anything of sorts to be honest. I'm looking at it as a time to get away for a while. It wouldn't be the nicest of holidays, but it's an experience. Not the best of experiences, but it'll definitely hold lessons. It's something not everybody gets to go through. I seek solace in that. And like what I said, I just wanna get it over and done with. A journey awaits, a journey for sure.


I said something really blonde lately. "What if the man was blind, and he saw the shadow..." I don't have to go into details for this.


I guess today so far has been time well spent at home. Quiet morn, sipping on warm highland delights, catching a flick that made me realise something. Something I never thought I'd hear myself saying.

I think depression's a beautiful thing. Sure it has it's drawbacks with the degrading words, dark nights and negative thoughts. I just think it brings out beautiful poetry. Have you ever heard a depressed person? Or maybe read any of their written thoughts? That flick I watched encapsulate everything about depression. Their dark expressions, aided by extreme words and raw language.

Dog carcass in alley this morning.
Tire tread on burst stomach.

This city's afraid of me.

l've seen its true face.
The streets are extended gutters...
...and the gutters are full of blood.

And when the drains finally scab over...
...all the vermin will drown.

The accumulated filth of all their sex
and murder...
...will foam up around their waists...
...and all the whores and politicians
will look up and shout, ''Save us. ''

And l'll whisper, ''No. ''


Now the whole world
stands on the brink...
...staring down into bloody hell.

All those liberals and intellectuals...
...and smooth talkers...
and all of a sudden,
nobody can think of anything to say.

Beneath me, this awful city.

lt screams like an abattoir
full of retarded children...
...and the night reeks of fornication
and bad consciences.

Tonight, a comedian died in New York.

Some of the world's greatest were depressed. This, encapsulates my point about the beauty of depression. The dark art.


I am serious about doing a book of my own. Right now I just want to read about someone first. It's the book I've been talking about, and I still haven't got my hands on it. Soon though, I'm in hurry, but I'm not hurrying to get it.

One of the world's greatest singer, and my favourite singer once opened his song by saying,"I got dreams, dreams to remember." He went on repeating that line, emphasising on 3 words; Dreams to remember. Cause like him,"I got dreams, dreams to remember," too. Damn, this would have been a great opening for this entry. Oh well.


I think I've been growing a need in me. A need to feel romance once more. I know I keep saying that I belief the time will come one day, I still do belief in it. I just know that right now, I'd like to relive those moments where I felt romance, where I tasted it, when I felt it. It's drugs it's my drug. One I get hooked on after just a session. I'm sure it's the same for many.
Let's do a mid-write on this.

"My drug"

It's addictive.
It's an addiction.
You don't want to let go of it,
just after the first try.

The heaving the pounding
the moaning and gasping,
We're both enjoying,
ourselves.

What joy,
what high.

You're bringing me to see bliss
with that one hot kiss.
You're so hot I'm creaming.

It's like a drug
but it's not a drug.
It's you
&I can't get enough of you.

It's goodbye, and I liked what he said. "It's not goodbye, it's see you later."
Same here, and till then.


P.S. If you don't know me, I'm not blonde. Just FYI.
&I've got a confession to make: I'm a nudist. Just FYI

;)

Riots

The things I do when I'm not thinking straight. Goodness, the last entry's evidence standing out at a crime scene. Oh well.

It seems as though I've put a lot more emphasis on seeking serenity these days. It feels as though I'm in this crazy tunnel where everything's moving so fast and I have no control over it. The main thing is right now, I have no control over so many things it's startling. It's startling to feel like everything's spiraling out of control. It's starting to feel that I'm losing control. Over things, over situations, over me.

I would think a lot has to do with me, and how I've been reacting to certain pressing issues. I feel that I'm chasing something so elusive, that I'm being left behind. And that I have to keep chasing to keep pace. And right now, it's come to the point where I'm exhausted, that I've run myself down mentally, and that I am sick of being a slave.

You know what's the beauty of my mind, though? I have the ability to figure why I'm in this current, plight of sorts. It is a shitty situation I'm in no doubting it. I just know I'll figure a way to solve this. I'm not only gonna get around this, I'm gonna make sure I correct certain things. The starting point's me.


I don't think I'm being harsh on myself. It's just that, I have expectations I set for me. And when I do not reach the heights I belief I'm capable of I go through a phase where I'm my worst judge. The voice in my head starts saying stuff I'm glad only I can hear. I just think I can do better. That's why I'm hard on myself now. I know I can do better. I know I will.

Some things I can control, some things I have no control of at all. I just wanna control the things I can better. Like me, I think right now I'm running riot. I'm here there everywhere.

Calm down son hold ya horses.


I think I'm getting high. It's been a while since I sipped down your burning presence. You're like my elixir at times, you're the thing I need when I need to slow down. You make me slow down, and go high. Beauty you are.

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby you're the only light I ever saw

There is a couple of different versions to it.
It doesn't matter, it holds the same meaning to me.

Identity

I could have this on repeat till I get sick of it. And I have this feeling that it'll be a while more till I do get sick of it. A while as in, still a long way to go kinda thing. It's providing me with something I need now; A sense of calm. After a day full of activities and thoughts. More of thoughts than activities. But still, an eventful day.

I guess I've understood myself better. What an Indian man calls "Hanzei" I call it me being my normal self. And this "being myself" moments has really made me see things clearer. It's not as if things were cloudy before; It's just that everytime I have this moments I see things in a clearer view. I see things in a way I would understand it. And this way of interpreting has been helping me solve one of the biggest mysteries. My Identity.


I have been really busy these few weeks. Away from my love for such a long time, today I knew that I had to come back. It's also the last day today. What can I say? It's been a new experience. And it's taught me a whole lot about myself. Nothing else's better than that.

I have really learnt a lot from this whole experience. The people I've met, the conditions I had to perform in, the whole experience has I think, benefited me. Monetarily and in experiences.


I've learnt that I usually miss out on things many people already knew about when it was time for people to learn. I guess it was my thing, my habit and a trait of mine to not follow the crowd. I was never, and still am not one who is into fads. Goodness knows how many there's been, fashion-wise to social-"norms". I was never the one who would do something because the rest were doing it. It puts me off even more when I learn the reason why people are doing is because the rest are. It makes me not wanna do it more. And it's usually when the fad is dying down that I gain some interest in it. And like many things I have never encounter, let's just see what and where it brings me to. I love this mindset a lot. Pardon the self-praise.


I think I'm hallucinating. It's the ambience and the music .

"Water Lust"


You know what.
I just wanna bathe you
While bathing me.

Cause you're so beautiful
And I'd like you to surrender yourself to me
In the shower.
So that I can treat you
The way I love you.

Cause I love you I love you
There's nothing you can do
Except
Love me the way I do
Cause I know you'll do

~end~

There was a chance. But I knew it wasn't time.
I belief it'll happen one day.
And I'll know it when I meet you.