Discontinuation, unless..

"feel like I've been waiting so long for tonight."

A lot swimming through my head right now. Actually, not much, come to think of it. Just my constant worry that I won't be able to reach the heights my dreams have set for me, that's all. Yup, that's all.

It really has been a constant worry to be honest. It's this feeling of not being able to be as great as I thought I could. Yeah, I'd like to be great. To be rich. It's really about money. Cause I know what it's like to not have any. And really, once you go there, you don't ever wanna be there again. 

I feel the constant need to fulfill the dreams my parents had, both for themselves, and for me. I honestly think that, at times, that's what having kids are for, besides carrying the family's name. My parents, like all young adults during their age, had big dreams for themselves. However, they were thrown into the slumps of life, and had no choice but to abandon their aspirations and fantasies. I honestly feel sad when I think about it. And I know it hurts them till this day. I see it in their eyes. And just seeing them try so hard to rekindle that chance once more, it feels like someone took a dagger and stabbed my heart with it, twisting it while the sliver's in me. 

I can't afford to be like them. It's not because they are ugly people. As I grow older, I grow fonder towards them. It's taken so much of out them to raise me up to who I am today. And for that reason, I can't afford to be like them. I have to be more than them. More than who they are. That was their job all along, to raise me so that I would carry their dreams with me and make it a reality. Cause I know, they think highly of me. And right now, I'm nothing but a huge disappointment to them, and to my capabilities.

For that, I feel sad. Even more so after writing all this. I have been a huge disappointment to my parents, and that kills me. I can't continue like this. Really, I mean it. I can't. And if this carries on for too long, I won't continue.

"enough is enough, just gotta let go."

Compose Heart Full Of Broken Vessel

I'm sitting on my bed, in my unlit room, with my curtains almost fully closed. Except for that small opening, where I can see tonight's bronze coloured moon. It's not a full moon, it's only about four-fifths a moon. But it's nice. 

Nights make me wonder. It makes me very deep. And for so many years now, I'm still by myself. People came, and left. Girls came, and left. And each time that happens, it makes me colder inside. Colder in both temperature and personality. Cause I give my all, and when I do, they take a piece of me with them. And slowly, I crumble. Soon, all I'll be left with is a piece of me. Just one piece. 

I think of all the times I've spent with the people I've really liked. It makes my heart skip a beat, in a sad way. The kind of way when it feels like for a moment, your heart actually stopped beating. It, for a moment, feels like I've taken my last breath. It saddens me deeply. And most of the time, I ask myself,"Am I really that unworthy of mutual attraction?" Am I that bad? 

Am I? Cause it seems so. 

I miss you. But, like I've told ya, you'll never hear from me ever again. I stand by that. Cause what's the use of having half-hearted conversations and commitment-less companionship? Unless you discover a valve that opens the floodgates of feelings you have towards me, I will be non-existent to you. I'll be that invisible kid. And I'll move on, with another part of my heart stitched with the aid of time.

There are too many stitches already.