Tides

I've been using this word quite often here. Little did I know it was not what I thought it was. The word describes my intentions partially, but on a whole it is something more sinister in a way than I thought it was.

Issues, I've been having them lately. Loads, loads of issues. And I can't help but to admit that it all started with misunderstandings. Slowly it began eating into me, as things usually do, and one by one everything repels away from me. Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm a magnet that meets others of the same pole as me, and that I repel away from them as much as I would have liked it to stick. And the worrying thing is that, after a stark realisation I've had, these issues started with me. And that, worryingly, I have issues with myself.

Puzzled, I've been really lost these few days. Lost in the realms of my head, and we all know how confusing it is up there. It's this sick thing in me that has me always believing a problem starts with me being the center piece. Urgh, I find it so horrid that I can't push this away. I do know that I'm not necessarily at fault, but, I don't know. I'm just puzzled as to why I'm worrying too much about things that seem senseless. Fuck you know, fuck.

I've been at war with myself lately. Just seems as though I can't control certain things. And that's a weakness. The irony is that, my strengths, when turned upside down, are my weaknesses to. Fuck you it's about me now.

Looking at the numbers, it seems as though I'm being thought of lesser and lesser. LATTLAY FOTTFOY ain't seem to be working here. Maybe it's because I've been expecting it from the wrong people.

I'm not at fault. I reacted the way anyone would, and I've accepted it. It's high time you accepted that fact too, and stop making me think I'm over-reacting. Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You. Fucking cunt.
Ukulele anyone?



I'm sitting here, waiting to see if the stars would ever appear tonight. Maybe they've gone to sleep, it's tiring being there the whole time the sky's lightless. These sessions, they act like therapy for me. They act like so many things for me. And like many nights, it's now acting like therapy for me.

Fuck man, my sessions aren't sessions till Perfect plays. And last night, happiness was shared. More to come, we'll see where this takes us.

I can't wait I honestly can't wait, to lay us a mat, and lie on it, as we see nothing but the sky, and hear nothing but ourselves, and feel nothing but happiness shared. Cause happiness is best enjoyed when shared. Ain't it true hon? You agreed last night.



I've been accepting the way certain things are, and that, it's been of great help to me. Instead of running around seeking for answers, it's been peaceful sitting down and letting yourself know that some things are they way they are, and that it's the natural order of things. This sense of acceptance, it feels liberating. To not fight for everything, and just accepting certain things the way they are. Instead of wondering why the Mona Lisa was smiling, just zip it and appreciate the way her smile was duplicated in oil and canvas.

I feel that, I've been showing a greater sense of appreciation for things. I do still have certain notions in my head, but overall, it's a stark contrast comparing myself now and then. Now, I'm feeling serene. Then, I was a mess. And at times, it's nice to just keep mum. Just nod in agreement, not everything's worth a debate. It's not worth defending myself now.



I can't believe I just can't believe the things I'm hearing. Tunes of affection, hardship and labour. Fuck man. How do you do it Sir, just how do you do it? You don't know you just don't fucking know how much I envy you.
It was a mistake sharing with you my love, it was a disgrace. Because neither did you appreciate it, you never did reciprocate. You my dear, are a fucking disgrace. I thank myself for not getting to know you. Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You. Fucking cunt. Should have fucked that cunt.

"An Account"

We were romancing
Noon
No one was in

It was just me & you
On the bed
Sheets covering what's private

We were under the sheet
Our privates I mean
And our hands were moving under the sheet too

You climbed
Not up a tree, but on me
You went crazy

We were still young you & me
You were young and crazy
I was young and high

You gazed into me
I felt you looking through me
Your eyes were caressing me

More, more, it went on
Your eyes, even druggies will never show that kind of high
And my eyes, let's say what's mine was yours

You came closer to my ears
Nibble, now now I didn't know you were a mice
You had magic mice tongue

Then your voice came closer to my ear
At first I couldn't make out what the words were
But after repeating, the heart went into overdrive

Whispers that turned me on
It was the words that made me high
You were pleading me

I want you
In me

I want you
To feel in me

I want
To feel you in me

Tick Tock

It's a swirl of thoughts again. It's blending my head into a smoothie now. It's pulping my head into the ground, again.

It's been a long week, as I've mentioned it seems that the word neurotic has been in all my meals breakfast lunch dinner. Yes, I do have breakfast. Such an important meal to start the day, how can I not?

I have this tendency to say some things twice. Take note of how many times I do it. It might show how affected I am.

I don't know I just don't know, it's a personality trait that's carried by me wherever I go. As much as it's an accepted fact I have acknowledged, it seems to be affecting me.

As much as I won't tell you this, whatever we did has been affecting me greatly. I'm not going to give too much away, you're too witty. But your actions, or rather inactions have affected me greatly. To tears I drop on my knees, clutching my face with one hand, my heart with the other. The amount of hurt I went through, it has sadly changed things in me. It might take a while.

And sometimes I wonder if these entries could ever make the mark of being pieces of literature adopted by higher institutes. It's a hope I habour, that one day I would be able to make the mark. To know that when I'm gone I have left some kind of legacy behind for those who know me, and for those who appreciate my work. I'm no great poet, I'm definitely no great teacher I lack in many areas. But I do hope that I am able to provide something. It's definitely a one-shot thing, it might make it it might not.
Just thinking of people, sitting in a group, deciphering what I've worked on. What he means is that he is feeling very..., and it goes on. Definitely stuff only dreams can make up, and it would certainly be a dream come true for me.

It might be sooner before I start using a name here. This person is a part of me, to make it easier it is me. But it's another side of me. Don't go running away it's not split personality(i hope), it's just the voice I have in my head when I think things through. Oh believe me, it's still me, but it's wonderful to let it have a name. It's just a humour thing I guess, I just think it'd be pretty cool.

I was posted a question recently. Simple questions, in my opinion, can unlock so many train of thoughts and honest ones, I might add. At times I try to shun them away because the honest trains feel like heaps of steel crashing into me, and I tend wanting to not admit to them to let it hurt a little lesser. But, it's in me that I'd rather face the truth then convince myself with lies, all lies. And this question, to whoever it may concern, it definitely made me realise things. Trust me, I know that already. I just didn't want to admit to it.

I guess I want opinions because, I want to feel a sense of appreciation. Deep down I do have this belief that I do things well, in particular, what I do here. But I'd like to feel that not just from myself. And what feels better than to hear it from those who cares as much as you care for them. It's LATTLAY FOTTFOY. It's a term that I believe very much in, and I think it's the right way to see things. There would be room for sympathy, empathy rather. I just want to feel appreciated, like how I appreciate things. Yet not let them know that I'm not expecting it. Everyone wants to be appreciated, I'm no different.
I'm sure this answers the question. It's me being honest.



There's something more in life I'm seeking, yet I feel it's eluding me. Not very much of it eluding me totally, but it feels that I'm not getting even close to it. A simple question would be, why would I even want it in the first place? Isn't life nice the way it is?
My answer: Perhaps I want to share my life personally, that I want to share it more. And I want to have someone to share things with me too.
As I've mentioned though, I do know it will happen one day. That I'm very much confident of. It's me being honest.

The Express

In my head it's going I have to do it I absolutely have to.

I feel like a bruised warrior. Who just came back from war, feeling so weak and frail. The legs keep aching, the head keeps throbbing, I'm in discomfort. Utter discomfort. Take me, take me away from this.

And the roads looked so empty. It made me want to throw my arms out in the air and just express my music through the emotions I was being rocked by. Flailing arms, I wanted to shout out the lyrics with no control over my voice. I wanted to let out all the emotions the music was giving me. It felt like an instigator, instigating me throughout, throughout the whole thing, the whole fucking thing. Fuck me I'm high, high from all this music.

It's funny how a town can get found out
Oh am I making sense tonight

And look at what you bring

Has this time not meant a thing?
Said we're not second class tonight

High high I am high. And I'm not in the best position to be making rational decisions. I'm not in the best of conditions to be thinking properly. I might utter something, I might do something outrageous. Stay away just stay away from me, I'm uncontrollable. Hoi, I ain't done with Paris. Cunt.

And look at what you bring
Have this words not meant a thing
Said I'm not made of glass tonight

And who's been living here
Cause there's 2 of everything
Said I'm not not breaking down tonight

I honestly can't control this. I can't control me, me's outta control. It's the music, it's this band, it's a whole song. It's a whole fucking song, believe it or not, that's getting me this high. This one song, this one fucking song, one fucking song. Paris paris, je t'aime.

Hold my face so
Hold my sleeve so
Paris it knows

You found me, that's all you had to do
You found me, and all I found was you

Uh oh uh oh, the feet's moving. By itself. Because of the song. Moving to the beat. To the drum and snare. Moving. By itself.
And now the mouth's just blurted out something. Jibberish, utter jibberish. Only to the ones who don't understand passion and heart. Urgh. Pooii.

Well I don't know what you want
I don't know what you want
And neither does your robin hood

I don't know what you want
I don't know what you want
And neither does you any good

1, 2, 3, 4.

If it wasn't for my aching arms and legs I'll most probably be out on the road, wind in my hair, music soothing my ears, and reaching a destination so beautiful it can't be enjoyed alone. Because beauty is supposed to be shared. Because happiness is supposed to be shared. Because love, is supposed to be shared.
Maybe that's why I'm not there now. Maybe that's why I'm here now.

And I'm saving the best for last.

I saw you saw me. Quiet, smiling to mates only to acknowledge their presence. Peering out to see what the city holds. While crazy mates make a fool out of themselves. Your meaning of fun is the total opposite. Serenity, calm, that's fun. I think it's fun too.

And I sing her song
For the touch you need
And the taste I long.

And I sing her song
Feel different soon
No it won't take long.

Such a waste, such a waste the paths set out for us didn't meet. Maybe not tonight I accept. Maybe some other night.
Things are looking better, we're finally seeing the light at the end of this long dark depressing tunnel. I just hope that we'll be there soon. And I pray silently for it.

Down on my knees down on my knees
Nothing to pray for
And if he don't come back
Back up of the floor

Such is the impatience I have in me at times of the ever waiting wait for something to turn out that it gets the better of me. I then do the most unforseeable things, the looks, the stares. It's desperation being spelt in bold on my face. With the word idiot on a piece of paper pasted on my back. Desperate idiot. Tsk tsk tsk.

We're ripping down cities trying to figure it out
Ripping down cities till we're living without
Because it matters too much
It matters too much

There's allegedly a story behind every italic. Allegedly I say. This last one has one of my favourite words. It's ever been featured here before. What is it what is it? Go figure.

Out in the street out in the street
Nothing changes
And valentines still makes the ball

I miss the touch. I missed your touch. I'm longing for her touch. Touch me dear, touch me dear. I miss you dear I miss you dear.

Twitch

I don't know how familiar things get at times. The quotes, the one-liners, the smirks, the smell. The typical reaction on faces with the exact same words. Oh, I've heard that somewhere.
Which after there is an attempt to try to match it with the images or connections made in the head.

I'm kinda done telling people how to live their lives. Live it, live it the way you want to. Just do it your way. And if it's one thing I've learnt a while ago without me realising, it's that I'll like someone for who they are, and that I won't want to like them so that I can change them. I don't know, it was a very big turning point. From the person who wanted to help all the souls in the world, I realised that the only person we could ever save were ourselves. I realised that the only person I could help was myself. And that, I do not want to get with someone and change that person. I got on with you in the first place because I liked who you are, why would I want to change you now?

I'm not going to know someone because I want to help them. Gone were the days where I thought I could save and help someone. Those days made me realise the person I needed to help was myself. Gone were the days where I wanted to know that person because I thought I could help them change. I ain't ever gonna change anyone, because at the end of it all, we are who we are. Nothing would ever change that. The certain traits we have defines who we are, it feels lonely without it. We're never gonna change who we are. I'm never gonna change who I am.

And even with number of years I've been here trying to decipher the biggest puzzle which is myself, I'm still looking for more clues. It would be embarassing to say that I do not know myself. I do, but I believe there are certain things in me I'm yet to find out.

So go on, who are you Mr. Ravinder?
I'm a guy who loves to have deep conversations. I'm not the most patient of person, I do have a short fuse, and I'm extremely expressive with my words. I tend to be implosive when it comes to sensitive matters, something I've been trying to work on as I've seen the devastation when I finally let things out after months of keeping it in. I love music, I love music that gets me high, slow music that gives me that orgasmic face when I hear the right things. I love movies, slow movies that has a very reflective side to it, where the words and actions are so deep it takes time deciphering them. I love picturesque places with nature, serene scenary that brings calm to my senses so much so I feel like I'm having an outer-body experience. If I could have a super power, it'd be the power to fly. To defy gravity, and to soar high and feel the emptiness in the air. I have a tendency to read into people when I need answers. I am a very passionate guy, passionate in everything I love to do. I do have a very old-fashioned way of looking at certain things, and I love originality. I love things to be the way they are, and sometimes I hate revolution for destroying originality and traditions. Although I do realise without revolution we won't be as globalised as we are currently. I talk to myself in my head, it feels like a have a friend with me always although this friend gets the better of me at times when I do certain things. I'm an extremely shy person, and I'm improving on being more relaxed with making eye contact with people I don't know. I only confide in those who care for me as much as I care for them. Look after those that look after you, fuck off those that fuck off you. I love art, absolute love art. I'm a deep person, a very deep person. I love delving deep, and I have said before that one day my brain will give up on me just because it never gets any rest.

We are who we are, no one can change that.
Cause I am who I am,
you are who you are,
and I like you for who you are.


Do you like me for who I am?
Are you willing to accept me for who I am
without any intentions of changing anything in me
and just appreciating me for whatever I am?


It's not really that tough you know,
cause I like you for who you are
and I have no intentions of changing anything in you
and I'd just want to appreciate you for whatever you are.