Bounce

I honestly think no one should ever live like this. Sometimes there is no right and wrong, but this time is not sometime.

It's not right. This is not right. They are not right. He is not right. I am not right. Not right now.

I've got this inability, this disability in me. That after a while, I get thoughts. Of people. And that they don't like me. It's sort of depressing thoughts that come after a while, and I can't help but to get paranoid about this. I start observing the smallest of details, the tiniest of gestures they make. It's like the angel-and-devil scene we see in cartoons. And that the devil's invoking things like this in me.

There's evil in all of us. I won't deny there isn't any in me. I think there's loads of skeletons in my closet that I won't want people to see. At the same time, I think I'm not the only one. It's not a self-defense mechanism, and I say it confidently.

I just think no one's perfect. I'm full of imperfections, but I seek solace in the fact that I'm original. I seek solace in the fact that I do not hide my imperfections, and that I encourage myself to be proud of what I have. As much as I think that my imperfections are ugly, I too think I'm beautiful in other ways, and that past all my flaws, I feel my beauty surpasses and covers my flaws.

I guess it's just being proud of who you are, and what you have. It's the case for me. And in a way, if any way at all, nothing beats that.

And most probably, that's my ability. To coax myself. Self-soothing. Sometimes I wonder if my cries were all answered as a baby, cause it seems as though I developed this ability as I grew older. This ability, to not rely on anyone, and to believe in myself the most. As much as people don't see, I have tons and tons of belief in myself. It's just, I tend to be practical too. Modest? Yes that too.

I'm finding it hard to fathom how I do this at times, here's me not being very modest. But yes, I do wonder how I've been able to be here today. As mentioned, no one should live like this. It isn't right, to me it isn't life but to me it has strengthened me to be who I am today. I think without setbacks you never learn, and as Randy Pausch said, there's no wrong in failing, as long as it is learnt from and as long as it helps prevent a similar fate from repeating.

I won't deny I'm a repeat failure, and really, it sucks to fail. But look at me now. What I am today, it's all because of my failures. What I am today, it has all to do with me failing. And what I am today, it has everything to do with my ability. The ability, of talking myself out of depressing situations, and to bounce back.

Ability, ability, this is my greatest ability. I'm sometimes scared too though, cause this ability may become a liability one day too, as it deprives me of trusting others.

I guess every good has bad too. It's ability becoming disability, vice versa. You'll see one day.

"Your reminder"

I've been having these weird dreams
Hallucinations of sorts, in my dreamy world.
That, I was the one you always dreamed of
And, you were the one I tried to draw.

Just recently, another of these sessions
And this time, you sent me something
A message, of care.

It's funny you know
Cause what you sent
Was the exact words I said to you
The exact words I didn't remember myself saying to you

After all, it's after all this years
But certainly, it sounded like me
Like what I would have said to you
Even if it's been all this years

I've got to be honest
I've been thinking about you
Maybe that's why you appeared

Constantly in my dreams
With the same words everytime
About how you feel towards me, till this day

And I wake up, forcing to remember the details of it
Cause even as time has passed
You were something to me

And you know what I want right now
To know that you're still existent
And that, you do still think of me

Eventually we'll have to move on
But I know
You'll always be in me
With you, reminding me.

I still ain't over you.
Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You. Love you.
I'm a hypocrite. We all are.

Jar

Repress me, it's the depression that's keeping me down. Unpredictable, not random acts of kindness, just random acts. Full of, emotions. Mixed ones they are. Most of them negative.

The night's not like night yet; I still hear life. It's not night yet, because the night's always dead. This isn't. Yet.

I've got so many questions, so many. At times I wish life wrote a book. A book of answers, to all my burning questions, to answer me. On what's right, and what's not. Because, I'm getting so many questions, but no answer. This ain't no cliche.

It's all blocked now. No external disturbances. Just internal bliss. Sing Mr. Mraz, sing.

Right now, it feels like everything's crumbling. If you believed in astronomy, they would say the stars aren't in your favour. If you believe in luck everyone will say you're just suay. If you believe in life, it will tell you it's part and parcel of this circle we're all in. I'm unsure though, but I hope that's what life would say. At least, that's what I'd like it to say.
Because I believe in life. More than the other 2. More than anyone. More than moore.

"I hope you follow -
Metaphorically & Literally"

Talk to me
Life talk to me
Answer me
The questions that's
Pressing me.

I'm crumbling I'm
Losing.
Where are
You when
I need you
Life?

Cause I'm
Feeling like a
Hearse carrying
My self.

It's 2 thoughts
I have now:
I can't do this by myself.
I can't do this at all.

Because the fighter in
Me is weary.
The fighter in
Me is in pain.

I'm
Gasping now.
The pump
Is pumping weakly.
The pump, has strains.

I'm feeling the strains.

"Part II"

Push me you might
Tear me you would
Dishearten me you might
It's just making
Me stronger.

Now, what doesn't
Kill you makes
You stronger.

I'm not in the best of states to be asking for your hand now. Cause I'm too pitiful of my plight.
Let time deal with it.

Mr O'clock, remedy me. And my plight. And give me an empty field, surrounded by nothing, with the clouds and sun my only 2 companions. Let me be. Me. Let me live, just let me leave to live.

Dove

I'm about so many things. I'm filled with so much. Thoughts, phrases, ideas, pictorial as my words may be, I always try creating a lasting impression. Of me, and what I am about. I wouldn't say I try extremely hard at it, but I do know that I leave a certain mark where ever I am, whatever I do. It's in my nature I guess.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, however I act, it's done in a certain way. This is a reflection of what I am. And this, quoted by my favourite movie of all time, sums it all up.

I am a sincere man
From where the palm trees grow
And before death takes me,
I want to let the poems soar from my soul.

I come from everywhere
And everywhere I go;
Art I am among the arts,
Among the mountains,
Mountain I am.

All is beautiful and loyal,
All is musical and right,
And all, like the diamond,
Is charcoal before being light.

With the poor of the world
I want to cast my fate;
A little brook in the mountain
Pleases me more than the sea.

I want, whenever I die,
Stateless, but with no master,
To have on my tombstone, a bouquet of flowers...
...and my country's flag.

I cultivate a white rose
In July as in January
For the sincere friend
Who offers me his honest hand.

And for the cruel one who rips from me
My heart by which I live,
I cultivate neither thorns or thistles;
I cultivate the white rose.

Bravissimo, Fellove.
Bravissimo.

Chunks & Crumbs

Don't break this silence, it's something I've been yearning for a while now. Let it burn, it's been a while now.

It's been an array of things lately. From differences in opinion to differences in option. It's just been messy to say the least. And I've been disturbed by many things. All at the same time. In the same amount of space.

It's been a struggle to be me lately. I would think it's never been easy being me, only I could do what you would do to be yourself. But even for me, it's been an uphill battle. Against old demons, it makes it harder when they come haunting you. Makes me feel like a cookie, crumbling everytime someone shakes the cookie jar. It breaks me into different pieces, big and little ones. Chunks, and crumbs.

The different tastes in everything makes focusing on something specific challenging. At times it may just show the fickle side of me. At times, it shows that there is no favouritism, all's fair.

I'm doing my best fending off this evil times. Makes it hard when I can't focus. Cause there's so much distraction. And I am getting. Distracted. Unfocused.

Feels at times that I'm at my wits end fighting this. Cause trust is always manipulated. And deceit is always lingering suspiciously. After all, it's hard to trust after being betrayed time and time. Some people just don't appreciate chances. These are the ones who regret when they finally lose everything they thought they never had. Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You. Fucking cunt.

I'd just like you to be in my shoes. To feel how I feel, when I'm you, and I lie to you.


I'm hopelessly aimless. Things haven't been going well, at all. I'm just clueless as to how I'm ever gonna feel liberated by all these burdens, because this is what all this is, a burden. To me. And it's distracting me, mind's not able to focus on the current.

Gut wrenching. Like my soul being sucked out bit by bit. I wonder what is it that they want from me. I've been suspicious, I've been suspected. Totally different.

And if it's one thing I despise, it's making assumptions. Yes I hate it, I simply am against it. And it fuels me everytime an assumption making session takes place. Really, get a life.

I like this song, envious at how people can think of such stuff.

I know I don't know you,
but I want you so bad.

Happens too many a time for me. Fuck it.

And so I've been a subject to figure. Someone's been fathoming me. You know who you are, and you're sweet for your efforts. Especially with your motive. What more can I say?

Like I said, it's been distracting. No black and white colourful thoughts tonight.

I just wished all this ends soon.
Cause it's eating me.
& I don't taste that good.

I'm not me.
Not for now.
At least.

Deep Er

I got the title for this entry even before I started typing. Kind of a rarity for me. Oh well, everything happens at least once.

It has been pretty shitty for me lately. Even using the word shitty is me being quite nice, but I know I've gone through worse. Things have been tearing me up lately, and you can't stop thoughts running in your head, well at least if you're me you can't. It's been very voluntary really, the mind just goes wandering off like a beagle chasing after a scent it picked up. This might honestly be a reason why I like the beagle so much, it's a dog's reflection of me.

Things have been bad, it's been pretty bad. It's got me all torn and tattered everywhere, the mind's not thinking straight and the body's been behaving differently. It's stress, that's what they call it these days. And I am bloody stressed. Sometimes home sweet home isn't the nicest phrase around. And an apple a day doesn't really give you a healthy heart to work with everytime.

I think what's worse than missing the feeling of being at home is when you're at home but it feels nothing like it. It's supposed to be my sanctuary, now it just feels I'm being hunted down in an open savannah.

I'm so filled with different emotions right now it's hard to point out exactly how I'm feeling. Sadness, anger, despair, anguish, pain, both types of pain. And most probably of all the people now I'm the one that needs to get away most from all this for a while at least.

One of my darkest entries, I'd have to admit. But hey, everything happens at least once.



I do have funny thoughts, it has to be said. I can go from point A all the way to Z even without any link on how I got there. And that, it has been on my mind for a while now, but it's something I'd love to share.

It's been mentioned here many times by me, on how much I've changed, and how my outlook of things have changed, and how I've begin to approach situations I face everyday. No doubt we all change, we are who we are, and I'm glad I've changed in ways I would be proud of.

I think the word appreciation gets mentioned a lot around me, be it by me or others. And I think that's the biggest of all changes I've had. I've began to appreciate the things that not too long ago I would have overlooked. The finer detail, the fine imprints, the watermarks. Not too long ago I had this thought that only good roles in movies deserved awards. You could have seen how baffled I was at that time when I saw someone being rewarded for a brilliant display of villain-ism. The lesson here? Even the bad guys get rewarded too Ravin.

I guess this would be the perfect explanation for my title. And this would be the perfect example on how, I go from point A to Z without any coherent links whatsoever.

Just a thought I had to myself while having a quiet moment. This was when I wanted some peace knowing at the back of my mind I'd be writing here a few minutes later.

Not everything in my life needs to be chronicled here.

Touché monsieur