Games

Sometimes, games are played to pass time.

Sometimes, games are played to ease the mind off things.

And sometimes, games are played to strengthen bonds.

Well, what do you if the bond you created with someone gets torn apart, but yet, the memories of playing that game still lingers within? What will you do?

The boy was feeling desolated I guess. He called me. And well, I guess hearing the way he sound, the least I could do was to hear him out.

He remembered clearly, the time where he and her would just sit down, holding hands, talking about stuff. How was their day like, why did he get scolded from his teacher, you know, talking about stuff like that. And all of a sudden their fidgetty hands would go into battle, and they would lock fingers, and start to play a game.

"Pepsi Cola 1, 2, 3!" The both of them would exclaim excitedly. And if you were there, you could hear the shriekings from both the love birds, trying their best to pin down his/her thumb and count to ten to be declared winner. Usually the boy would win, and when he lost, it was because she counted 1 to 10 with lightning speed. But still, he never cared one bit if he lost because, when he saw the expression on her face, and her childish little taunts after winning him, he'd rather lose all the time just to see her do that. Of course he would do a little taunting of his own, and she would throw tantrums but, all in all, it was just priceless moments for them. Well, now at least he realises that those were priceless moments.

To be fair, he doesn't really miss her. But yes, he just misses the days where he had someone to hold on to, and someone to actually play childish little games with. The memories hurt more than the person. And he was telling me, how pain he feels when he actually recall those days. The pain he feels when now, he no longer has anyone to play games with him.

And nowadays, he kinda sits down and asks himself,"Will anyone else play Pepsi Cola with me?"

"I wish I had someone to say this, cause, I miss Pepsi Cola. I really really do. I feel fucked up, but I really miss it." That was what he told me, with agony in his voice. It just sounded like when you really want something, and you just can't have it. You just can't.

And yeah, he still wonders:

"Will anyone play Pepsi Cola with me?"

LAter

Smallest is biggest

Which is better, a day out shopping or a day out with your partner?

Which is better, spending $100 to impress a girl or a hand-made card, which took hours to complete?

Which is better, going out for a posh dinner in a grand hotel for your anniversary or spending $2 on a packet of nasi lemak, and sharing it together, feeding each other, under the watchful eyes of a million twinkling stars, whilst laughing at each other because of dirtying each other's face with sambal, and sharing moments of significance together?

Which is better?

The title of the post says it all. You can have the poshest of lifestyles, the riches of a millionaire, but will money buy happiness? Money will give smiles to others but ultimately, it's the smallest of things that will touch someone's heart. Hence, smallest is biggest.

The reason I wish to write about this is because of the boy. You know, the one I talk so much about. He called me, and he called me with tears in his eyes, and guilt in his voice. He called me telling me, how much of a mistake he's made.

You see, she was his first girlfriend. And well, he always thought lowly of himself because he could never afford things for her. He thought that he needed to make her happy by buying her a diamond ring, or a posh handbag, or a nice blouse. He thought that on anniversaries, he ought to be getting her something grand. And because he couldn't impress her and show his love for her through money, he felt bad. He was stupid to think that way.

But no. The girl wasn't of that sort. She NEVER asked him for something expensive. All she ever wanted from him was to spend time together. And that idiot could never see that. All he ever thought was that he needed to get her something expensive to show her how much he loved her. It doesn't mean that he thought she was an expensive girl. He just thought that, that was how relationships worked. It just never struck him that she didn't need expensive things. All she ever asked was for him to love her. She didn't need the gifts. All she needed was something small.

And well, kill him for doing this but now, he finally knows that, the biggest reason why the relationship failed was because of him. When he told me this, even I was left in awe.

On their 1 year anniversary, you know what they did? They headed down together to get him registered for Poly, they had Burger King together, and then, because she wanted to watch her drama series, he just let her go home. He didn't even use his brains to bring her out! And you what his reasons were? "She wanted to watch her drama, and I didn't have money to bring her out."

Look at how much of an idiot he was. Even if I was the girl, I would have been heartbroken. "I mean, yeah I wanna go watch my drama but come on, it's our anniversary. Dramas' mean nothing to me on a day like this. This day will only come once, so let's spend some time together. You are more important then my drama." That would have been what I would have been thinking if I was the girl. Why did he do something so stupid like that? Why did he create his own pain? Why did he do that?

And you know why he finally realised that he should have done better? Because he went to one of his friend's blog, and he saw what she typed. It was about her boyfriend surprising her on their anniversary. They bought rice and sat down eating it. And she said, "He bought a packet of rice and we sat down eating and talking the night away. Nothing beats that." Yes, it's in bold for you to see.

That was why he just thought that all along, he had been a horrible boyfriend for her.

She didn't need a posh dinner, or a beautiful ring. All she needed was to be together with him. She needed something small because for her, the smallest of things meant so much for her. At the start of the relationship he was doing that. Giving her surprises and making her so happy just by providing her with small stuff. Although he felt bad because he couldn't afford something big, she never made him feel that way. She was constantly happy with what he was doing for her. The smallest of things were the sweetest of things.

And now, right now, as he is beside me, talking to me while I'm writing about this, he feels agrieved by his actions. He just feel that he was the whole reason why she left him. She doesn't want to say anything but well, the reasons are painted on the wall. He just feels horrible. He never saw the meaning. The meaning of," The smallest of things are the biggest of delights one can give to others."

He always thought that he needed to give her big things. And now he knows, the only big thing she ever wanted, was something that came directly from his heart, not his wallet.

Please forgive him. Cause right now, he can't even forgive himself.

(But I guess it's no use now. What's done has been done. He has to learn the hard way. The painful way, but he still has to learn. I can see it's hurting him, but well, he deserves it. It's time for him to get up, and start afresh.)

LAter

Let go

One of the most hardest words to say is Sorry.

One of the most hardest things to do is to be true to your word.

One of the most hardest admissions to do is to admit that Yes, it's your fault.

One of the most hardest action to do is, to Let go. Let go of something that means so much to you. Something, or someone that has been such a big influence in your life, it's so hard to just let it go. It's even tougher when you didn't even anticipate the departure of the item.
For instance, it's so hard to let go of your daughter, who one day, will be leaving your house after getting married. All the sweet memories of her bickering with the family, the times when she had her hair tied-up in pigtails. Just to see her grow throughout all the years has made you closer to her. And, it's just so hard to let her go away.
Another instance; It's so hard to let your kid do things without any assistance from you. You were the one who was there to tie his/her shoelaces, to brush his/her hair. You do that almost everyday till one day he/she says,"Mommy/Daddy, I can do it on my own." Certainly, you feel proud that you child is independant, but it's so hard to not hug your kid, or to tell them bedtime stories, to carry them till they fall to sleep, in your arms. Sometimes for people, it's tormenting.

How about a relationship? A friendship, a girl-boy relationship, a family relationship. It's so difficult to let go of the one you love. How to? You love them so much, that you are willing to do anything so them. You are willing to give up your live for them. Many people usually get carried away when they have something they desire so much for after a period of time. The mushy stuff, the gazing into each others eyes just don't happen as often. And when it does happen, it's because they encounter this rush of feelings that remind them how important they are to one another.
But what happens when they lose their most important element in their lives? How do they deal with the fact that it's gone, and that there's no chance of retrieving it back? How to deal with the agony and pain? The boy that I talk so much about, he was telling me something.

When he lost his girlfriend, he was dead. He had no energy. His body weakened, his brain just dysfunctioned. And, to him, it was something so sudden. Never did he see it coming. That was why he just couldn't let go. He didn't know that a break-up was so bad. He did things that he'd never do. His mind was just gone, literally. He couldn't think properly. Till this day, he can't remember fully what he did just a few days after the break-up. His head will just hurt so bad, that when he was telling me this, I could just see he was going through a lil bit of a recurrence. His head will be so pain that he couldn't do anything. He just couldn't let go.
So many months after the incident for him, he is better, he feels. And slowly, the pain is easing. And slowly, he's letting go. Slowly, he's letting go.

You see, the thing is, when we lose something, it's just so hard to let go of it because of the memories it brings. And well, almost everyone goes through this transitional period. The thought of letting go NEVER came across your head, that's why it was so difficult to do that. But as the saying goes, let time heal all the wounds.

Yes till this day the boy has recurrences of his past. It hurts him, not that much anymore as compared to last time, but yes occasionally, it hurts him alot. But he just constantly reminds himself that she is gone, and like a dead person, the relationship could never be revived back to life. He then just picks himself up and he reminds himself that it's no use brooding over the past because right now, his future is in his hands, and that his future is his to mould. And that he knows that whenever he does something, there are paths to take. Not all the paths lead to the right place, but sometimes, he has to learn from his mistakes.

And yes, we always see the bad side of letting go. We never see the good side of it. Who knows, he/she/it might have gone to a better place. And even if the place he/she/it has gone to is bad, don't blame yourself because it's not your fault. You can't do anything because it's beyond your control; You don't have the right to say what's best for them. But if possible, don't ever neglect them when they come back because, everybody makes mistakes, and that you too might encounter the same plight as them. And who knows, they might be the ones helping you the next time round.

LAter