Rebel Dancers

It's been a pretty shitty day, today. Maybe shitty's an understatement here, but it's not been a good day at all. &To think of it, the weekends' 21 hours away from being over. That's shitty.


It doesn't take much to be honest. Not much at all when I need an eye-opener. Not literally, but it doesn't take a lot from me to be truthful to myself, like looking into a mirror, and realising the silliness of these all. Of everything that's been happening. Of everything that I've been doing. I got that eye-opener while in the bath 20 minutes ago.

All that I've been doing recently, all the risk-taking and decision making, all of it I've been doing with closed eyes. On impulse, without thinking. I feel like a brain-dead motherfucker, cause it's honestly disappointing of me to be going through this. I'm feeling real stupid, rest assured I feel this way. Extremely impulsive, and regretful whenever I don't get things working out for me. Principles and wisdom are one of the many things I preach about, and it's horrid to know I've been doing things that has been way out of my usual self. It's silly really, if you ask me. And stupid too.

All it took was a 20 minute soak in warm flowing water. That's how long it took me to find the answer I've been looking for weeks now. Pretty simple stuff, but yes, as what he said, it'll come eventually.

Stupid, real stupid of me to be putting myself in such a precarious situation. But nonetheless it's done. I honestly cannot undo anything at all, only to learn from all this. And to be honest, I'm glad I've finally come to my senses.

Tomorrow's results will be the final time I did such a thing. The sheer pain and agony to go through all this when I told myself never to continue. It's real silliness, stupid stupid stupid. But yes, I only learn from my mistakes.


It's been a horrid day. It truly is, but I know in 18 hours I might a reason to smile. But mark my words, I'm putting an end to all this. To all of it.


You looked brilliant in that outfit that night. The radiance your skin gave, your alluring eyes, the electric looks. Really, I did hope things would have panned out the way I saw it. I guess, plans change. I just wished I didn't have to go through this, though. I like you, liked, I truly did, but now I cannot afford to. Not after the commotion that just happened. It's such a pity, but it's true too; You ain't the only one. What a waste.
(I l o v e you, too bad you won't ever know)

Discolouration

The beauty of it is, when I'm in the process of huffing and puffing, so many things come to my head. So many thoughts, so many ideas, so many philosophical stuff. It's not as if I don't get any of these when I'm not, but that's the beauty of it.

&When I try to come up with a reason to explain my actions, there's none. Nothing, nada whatsoever. There's is literally no reason why I do it. No reason to explain why I do what I'm doing; I just do it.

The issue here is that, firstly I don't know if you can call it an issue, but I need to have a reason behind every action. In simple terms every action has it's intention, the reason why you'd do something. But in this case there's none. Nothing, nada whatsoever. It's pretty disturbing, at the same time, quite puzzling and unique.

I do know that eventually, I would have figured the reason why. In the meantime though I'll just have to content myself with this emptiness in me head. It could actually be my head blocking the reason, so come on Headie, unblock it. Show me the good stuff son.


And yes, it's that time of the year again. The time where ashes fly everywhere, burnt incense fill the air and pavements get damaged. Nono they're no arsonist. Just worshipers.

It can be quite a surreal month, this time of the year. Cause when it plays with your head, you really don't know what's real and what's the opposite. You can't fully trust your eyes, cause your sight might be hindered by certain perceptions and experiences. I ain't gonna give much away, but it's just a month to be cautious. For all you know I might not be real, just a figment, of your always-vivid imagination.

Cause,
I've never been real. I'm make belief. But I've been made to believe that, my experiences are.
Therefore I am.

I'd love to be a figment of your imagination.
I'd love to not be real.
It takes the edge of things, don't ya think?

1 Value

I've probably not been as active here. There's no reason to be worried, to be quite honest; I've never been one who makes it a point in writing entries on a daily basis. I feel you lose that specialness, the one I always try to have in every entry I come up with. The frequency of it makes this place lose it's value. And yes, as I've mentioned, about 190 times now, this place is special. So much has been chronicled here, in subliminal ways most of the time, so much. That's why I love it so much, this place is priceless, just priceless.


I've been in a dreamy state of late. Weird, or unique, whichever suits your fancy, dreams have been filling me. Filling me with bewildering thoughts. These moments even makes it's way into reality. So much so that it actually confuses me on what's real, and what's purely in my head.

I'd admit to it, I've been one who's always been dreamy. As much as that is a contradiction to me being a practical person most of the time, I do have my moments as well. It's truly magical, moments like these. They don't come often, but it overwhelms me so much when I use my imaginative mind to picture something that isn't there. It fills me with pseudo-happiness. I know that at the end it's fictional, but it does make me glee with delight whenever I get moments like these. That's why I say, it's all about feelings feelings, feelings.


Really, nothing can take away this part of me. Sometimes I do feel it interferes with reality, and I have a difficult time coping with things but at the same time, I do not wish for it to go away from me. This has brought me so far in life, this feeling part of me. I honestly do wonder how at times people around me can just suppress it. To me it's impossible to do so, to not emit any emotions whatsoever. I guess this has created loads of trouble for me too, but hey, fuck it. I know it's me, I can't change it, I don't wanna. In fact, I love it. I love my feelings. Fuckin rainboww.


I'm dead tired right now. Lines have been thinning, walls have been closin' in on me. But I've chosen to fight to see a new day.

It burns in me, the high I get. &I look all around, this is somethin' worth living for; I block out the noise all around, this is worth it.
&I'm leavin this place for another. Soon I'll return, right now I need my other world. I'm leaving with no regrets, cause I have everything.

I guess it was the originality in me to have said this. I mean it, this place I have here, this life I have now, is truly magical. I do know it can get better, but when I look around right now, I have all that I want here. And this is worth fightin' for.


Sayang, I love life. I love it, so much more than before.
I love it, cause I love life.
Love. You.

Betrayal

I really think I need a fag. Right now. Too bad, right now's no good. I'll wait.


I've got the perfect setting for this. A scene, I put up in my head. A dance, with music to dance so deep into.

Cliché, it may sound so, but it's our bodies moving, eyes locked on. Images keep flashing, one with our eyes, another with me savouring that smell on you, another with me pushin' you away depicting this meaning our music holds, and another with me pulling you to me. Can't get enough, I cannot get enough of this. It's driving me crazy, it's pullin me to my grave.

I'm all here. Lifeless, inject me. Tonight, I'm all for your use. Kill me if you might I'd feel no pain kiss me if you'd like I'd feel no warmth push me with all your might I might just fall bleed me with your might I'd just bleed out dry I'm all up for your use tonight so inject me I'm lifeless. Here I am, all here.

Lock

I really don't know the kind of messages I've been giving out. It's subliminal, I'd admit to that. But it's interpretation on the other side that is of concern. Of concern to me. The most concerning thing though, is that, I really don't know myself, the kind of messages I've been giving out.

It might be signals of desperation. That I'm desperate, desperate for something to happen. To happen for me. It might be desperate signals. I'm honestly puzzled, cause I don't understand how signals like this can ooze out of me in such a way. In such an easy way. It's as if I've got a message on my head, for all to see, telling people that I'm desperate. It's seriously concerning.


I'm aching all over. All over. And I'm burning in places, both metaphorically and literally. Things have not been easy, not easy at all.


I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride of late. My mind's been racing, at a crazy pace. It's been such a challenge to keep things calm. Everything's racing, the heart's pacing. I might be driving myself to the wall. A huge one, concrete slabs towering one another forming a huge blockage to an entry somewhere, and instead of going around it I'm trying to barge my way through. Fuckin' wall.

I guess it's something serious then, cause I'm seeing things that aren't there. Small flickers in the corner of my eye, only for it to be gone when I'm fully focused on it. It doesn't exist though, that's why I think this condition O'mine is quite serious.


There have been too many restrictions lately. Too many being places on me. So many things limiting me, denying me the basic right of way, so to speak in driver lingo. It's suffocating, it's holding me down so much I feel helpless, at it's mercy. It, however, is a mental dominatrix. And she's been my master lately, I her bitch. I'm at her peril, with pearls encasing me. All over me, all around me. All on me. I'm a huge fuckin pearl-making oyster. Come on, all I ever do is collect sand. How hard could that be?


I really think I should take a step back, and re-evaluate what I've been going through, and what I've been doing. I certainly think that it would help me, at least get one foot out of the grave I'm in.

"Closure has come to me myself, you will never belong to me."

So many things in my head it feels like it's about to explode. It might one day, soon. Till then, I'm still thinking. And I'm still feeling. I'm yearning too, but that's a story for another day.

In the end, I was shattered. It ended even before it began. But I guess it's true, it was never meant to be. I'll seek solace in that. Either that, or I forever live with it. I choose the latter.