Steam

Eat my mind, eat me. Cause this space, it hasn't filled itself. Filled me, it hasn't.

It isn't just a space, just one part which is empty. There are so many spots in me right now that aren't filled. And, it seems as if more spots in me are just draining itself, emptying itself.

Control, oh control. Being the control freak that I am, this is certainly mystifying me. And yes, it seems a lot is shrouded in mist.

Certainty, oh certainty. Even waking up the next day, or getting to your dental appointment isn't certain. It isn't, not anymore. Cause I've seen it myself, experienced it too, and it certainly is a mindfuck. Ask me, I've been there. Nearly. Less than a meter near, or far, however you wanna look at it. It's the exact case of the glass being half full or half empty. Don't, read too much into it, though. As much as a spectacle it can be, don't take things to literally.

And the rhymes, oh the rhymes. It's just part me, part natural, that's it. That's me.


I have realised, that it really is time I filled this void I have in me. One of the voids, I mean. Cause I really do feel it's time. And I know, I can provide my filler with things, a new lease of life. I really am certain I can. But this isn't a dating ad, and apparently I am not, ideally, a walking desire, so I have to find other ways of doing so. Doing this.

Let me get there, I'd say. I'm really bursting at the seams here. Cause I wanna prove to myself that I can, that talk isn't cheap, and that I am able.

I don't know if I'm just not getting the chance to, or I've been missing out on 'em. Yes, there still is one that rings in my mind, till this day. However, I tend to see it as it wasn't meant to be. Cause I know me, and I know if it is, meant to be, it will be and I will do it. Still, I can't get that one incident out of my head. Shows that sometimes, even reasons can't talk you out of games, especially ones your mind come up with.


Liberate me, for I am bursting at my seams here. Let me blow off the steam, like the pressure cooker. You'll then know if things were actually meant to be. You'll then know, me, and all that's meant to be.

Star Descent

A week, full of just horrid things. Again, I keep mention to the fact that, this year's prediction has been spot-fuckin'-on. Spot on really, cause everything hasn't turned out the way I want it to, only to what I've expected.

I, am, on the verge. The verge, of just bursting. It feels like a game, I'm the fuckin' doll. People just probing, poking, throwing and putting I under flames just to see if my can feel.

Fuck you, fuck you, and especially, fuck you. All of this optimism isn't worth a cent, none at all.

Tell these voices to stop, I can't give in no more. I don't want to.

Turn my thoughts dark, whores.

The Profile

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds." - Nesta Robert "Bob" Marley

I have a book. Actually, I have a number of books. I have a number of books I call my own, and one of it contains quotes. Whether short witty phrases, to ,sometimes, very long meaningful ones, I have many of them in there. And definitely, you could bet your house on me owning the phrase I just shared here.

It seems as though I've been making reference to a number of people lately. It's Bob now. Ha ha, to even think I was just given that nickname just about 20 hrs ago. Funny, but yes, I revere him too.

Again, I feel very unfortunate to have not been around while he was. His music, his philosophies, I just read excerpts of it and yet, I really am blown away by how he sees things. He astounds me. His view of the world, it's just so different from so many. Really, that's why there's only one Bob Marley.

Special, in his own way. That was why he became who he was then.


It's only been a week. Yet it feels like this whole episode happened much much earlier. It's still too awkward for that *beep* of thought to come.
&I'm wondering; It's like playin' chess: Nome's makin' the first move.

Fuckin' time, fly. Fly, like that sparrow, which I once called a baby-mynah not too long ago.

Open

It's screamin' out loud that no one cares, and none gives a fuck. And to say I haven't found out lately, would be a big fuckin' lie. Cause I've recently found out, that no one does. It doesn't surprise me to now know why I've been feelin' this way all along recently.

No one cares, none gives a. Fuck, none gives. A fuck. A. Fuck. None.

Modern Old Times

For a couple of reasons I've recently been reading, not entirely, but some of my old writings. How times have changed, for myself personally. The state of denial, not wanting to accept that the person I used to refer to as "The Boy" was actually part me. Actually, it's the whole me.

Yes, it was the state of denial. And how much I sounded like a preacher. It has changed though. I've stopped talking about how people can learn and change their lives 'cause I've accepted that we are who we are, and that it's silly, really, to change someone through writing. My main objective was to create awareness of certain issues. Well, not anymore.


It is a change for me personally, as well. I accepted who I am, and that whole philosophy of being a preacher took a turn. That is why personally, I really dislike listening to advice, especially when people make it public via social networking sites. I really think it's pathetic. Now, I just write whenever inspiration comes knocking. And lately, boy, have I really been inspired.


To be able to write like him, the vision and relation he placed in his writing, it's just incredible. Yes, I'm talking about the one guy I admire most, Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald, a.k.a. F. Scott Fitzgerald. He, is such an amazing author. Really, how I wished I was able to have met him. Maybe I did, in my past life, if you believed in such things. I'm not entirely a believer of it, but yes it has come across my mind a couple of times. Let's face it, I don't believe in much. Which is why, I get intimidated, overwhelmed to say the least, when I see such devotion and belief in most of the others surrounding me. I think it's scary. I think it's silly. I think, it's just me.

I love him, I absolutely do. His life, the person that he was. Like I said, I've never met him, only most probably in my last life, but I read so much about him to know what a great man he truly was. Fuck, eBay should start selling time machines. I'd travel in time just to be with him. And be with the things he went through, as a person. His devotion, his descriptive analysis, goodness I can go on, and on, and on. For now, I'll just go off.

Mr Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald, you are simply brilliant. How I wished, I was alive while you were. How I wished, I was you.

I'm gonna stop.

Lights, illuminate the streets. Yet, all I saw was your dark silhouette. And yet I knew only from that, that you had unparalleled beauty. All I saw, was your dark silhouette. Yet I knew then, you were the *first number* . You were, the *first number*

Viva la vida. Companionship, is overrated.

The Farewell Show

I really do think all these things I've been containing within myself is really destroying me. It feels like I'm lying in my own filth, my soul rotting and stinking the entire room. No one's in here, not even me. Cause I have been slowly losing myself. And I, am at the lowest point. I, am on the verge of something insane here. I, am on the verge of a meltdown.

Cause I've recently been told that I have a problem with everyone. A few minutes ago, actually, I was told a few minutes recently. That I create problems between myself, and everyone. Yet, it never has occurred to anyone that, I have always tried to be this different person. My, apparently, unconventional ways of arguments where I hardly ever bring up anything else but what's current. And yet, time and time again, I am single-handedly provoked by issues of the past, and I am provoked by topics that are of no relation to the present's happenings.

At times, I really do wonder: What's the use of my positivity when all it ever does it just bring hardship and sorrow to me, while making others feel comfortable with swimming in their own murky shit. I bear the brunt of a joke just to make sure the awkward silence is broken, just to ensure that everyone's comfortable. And yet I, I am the butt of the joke. I do not once complain about it, and I actually make myself enjoy it.

Right now, I feel like a stranger under my own skin. Cause I never thought I could degrade myself so much for the sake of others. It's time I stopped, cause I've seen the way this world works. And it's not a world I envisage myself in. I don't belong here. My world's over there, over yonder. Where the grass is green, the skies are blue, and the air is chilly.

I've got nothing left over here. And a man with nothing is not a man at all. Trust me, I"ll be gone. And trust me, you'll only realise it when I'm gone. Cause this place ain't for me. It ain't for anyone like me at all.

So I bid you farewell, stop me before I'm gone. Cause I never look back.

I never look back.

I've always said I never believed in suicide. Little did I know, I've already killed myself.

&Don't forget, it's you who let me in your life. And it was your actions that has caused this silence you talk about. Darl, I, for once, have nothing to blame myself on.

You're reading this. I know, you are. Nothing eludes me, you know that.
This is what I talked about; There is always good and bad in what I'm good at. You asked what's the bad.
This, that I know everything, is the bad.
That, this was we had, that's the good.
That, was the good. You know, that.

Ilumina Into Abyss

If I were to go away, I won't tell anyone. Let's face it, I don't have anyone to tell. I won't even tell myself that I'll be gone. I'll just go. Cause I don't even have myself anymore.

"Illuma"

And as I dawned upon the horizon, a white figure I appeared. Her black illumination drew closer, as my breath grew deeper. My breath, grew farther, and my breath grew closer. My breath, it grew colder.

Her white figure, her dark wonder, soon drew closer to me. Her eyes, if darkness could speak, closed into mine. And with her mysterious unheard-of powers, she lifted me, like as if I had magnets right under me, and she brought herself closer to me, it felt.

I analysed her. Her every detail, the shards in her eyes, the soft full lips and the hands, which were cold and spine-chilling.

And I, I brought myself closer to her. I allowed this mystery to grab hold of me, and I gave it permission to take me farther.

I took my hands, as gently as they surprisingly were, and I touched her chin. I brushed those cheeks, and I grabbed hold, gently, the lovely long silky black hair.

What is it that you want, why are you here I asked. Her face, flushed with an immediate form of happiness peered down to what was a space of air. Cause we were floating, and she was forming a disembarking amount of calculated surprise.

For a moment you could only hear the silence ringing around us; She spoke nothing. And then she looked at me with eyes filled with wonder and held my hand, the one that was tangled in her weave of fibre. She looked at me with those senseful eyes, eyes full of emotions and tiredness.

She took my hand, and an almost immediate wave of unwavering delight swept into me. It came out through my other arm and brought it around her waist. I held her close to me, and she had no breath. I felt no wind, her chest was empty.

Fill me with wonder, and breathe life into me she said. Show me a world so different from mine, and give me the life no one else could have provided me with she continued.

For a moment I started to think. I pondered upon her hallowing words, and I dawned upon her harrowing courage. The wind started to blow us into the abyss, and I held her hand. We walked into the light, and we morphed into a different species.

"The Abyss"

The different world, the abyss, was something I had always wanted. Cause I knew I always wandered in my head. Cause I always knew I had a different world up in there.

The different world, to her was a spectacle of delight. We were invisible to others, cause no one else was in this world. We wandered to places, brought time to a complete halt while the wind blew death off trees. Those death, leaves, floated while time came to a halt.

No one was around, we were invisible. And we, were invincible. And she took my hand and don't ever leave me. She said and don't ever leave me.

Don't you, too.

~

I told you, we would make the other hermaphrodites turn green in envy. And I told you, that I'd show you a world you've never been able to fathom.

So, fathom you, fathom me. And fathom us, with what we'll be.

Just don't sing What I am to you is not real. Cause what I am to you is not what you mean, to me.

Illuma, don't leave. We'll create a world in the abyss. Just you, and me. The wild is what we'll be.

Blue

Right now, I can't feel a thing. My toes, they cease to exist. My fingers, where are my fingers? And the pumper? No beats from it.

Silent. Everything's gone silent.
Cold. I've turned cold. &Blue

I keep tellin' myself, "Never again".
But nope, I'm too silly to learn.

You didn't wanna let go.
Why didn't you,
if you didn't feel a thing?

Why, didn't you? If you hadn't felt what I was feeling?

Turn away, you do not want to see what this is turning me into.

Somehow, this doesn't feel real. Hence I always sing,"What I am, to you, is not real. What I am, to you, is not what you mean to me."

My Propeller

Tonight, after so long, I'll be able to sleep - My Propeller

I will be able to sleep, finally. I might not even wake.

As you lay
to die
beside me,
On the morning
that you came.

On the morning,
that you, came.