Sink, Sank, Sunk

It's not been easy to write these days. The words seem to elude me. On one hand, I have things to say. On the other, it all sounds like a fuckin' broken record player. And when you mix both, you get a mind trying its' best to fill the pages, and a flurry of ideas you can't focus on.

On one hand, I've got people I know who just irritate the shit out of me. On the other, I've got me. And right now, me's not in best shape, and that's just putting it kindly.

I'm between the point of wanting everything and not knowing what it is that I truly want. What I need will always stay the same, but I can't get hold of what I actually want these days. One moment I'd like to be cuddled, then all of a sudden I just wanna be alone. One moment I'd like to be busy, then all of a sudden I just wanna cradle myself in bed.

I'm in between feelings. I'm numb. I'm a mess. I'm actually somewhere without being in a specific place. I'm all over the place.

I've been trying real hard, and it really isn't easy. The worst part is that trying this hard still isn't getting me anywhere. I'm just stagnant no matter what I try to and not to do. I need to move. I need to be busy. Why can't I move? Why can't I be busy? Why am I so stagnant?

Why is it so hard? Why does it have to be so hard? Haven't I done right in my life? Haven't I done enough to not deserve to go through this for such an extended period? Because it is an extended period I feel. I must have not done something right, and this is why things are as such.

I've been drinking by myself of late. Not much, just a gulp or 2. And I fear that this may start to be a habit that would be hard to kick away as the period extends further. Really, I didn't ask to be this way. I wanted to be happy but have my deep moments from time to time just to feel like I had some humanity left in me. But it's not turning out that way. 

I can't shake this off no matter what I try. I've been trying, but like quicksand, the more I struggle to break free the faster I sink into the abyss. 

What do I want now? To wake up in the morning and be happy. Really, it isn't much to ask for. Give me something to look forward to, cause right now I'm only looking at the present. And it's dark. So, fucking dark.