22 from 21

The last 22 hours of the year. And what a year it's been. Really, what a year it's been. For me really. For me personally. A year with, loads to remember, more to leave behind. Somethings though, you just hold on to. Dearly, desperately. Unwillingly.

Like I said, it's the day I've been looking forward to the most. The most really, because of the way it makes me feel. The last day of the year, one second separates the old from new. Just that one tick from the second hand, and all the cheers and fireworks and screams and chaos to usher in the new year. Of course, it's of different timing in other places. Some earlier, some way later. That's one thing I don't like. I feel it dims the aura of having a countdown, knowing somewhere else across oceans there's a country still sleeping. Thank god for the oceans, else they'll attend their New Year parties with eye bags. Lack of sleep they say, though I'm sure you know why.


I don't know. It's something special about having an end to something. I hate continuity. I like the idea of something coming to an end eventually. It's refreshing, it makes you look back at what has been, and what lies ahead. It does make me feel that way. I do know some things will be carried forward to the new year, I do know too that many things will be the same. It's just that, it gives me a new feel. Nothing much changes except for the last 2 digits in the date, I just am fascinated by it though.

The year that has been, for me, it's been one of my lowest years I'd say. It's been filled with so many things I wished didn't happen. I do have the sneaky feeling that everything happens for a reason, I'm still clueless as to why some of them did take place. A test of character? It's all a test. And I do think that we control most things, and what has happened, no control was exercised. An embarrassment of maturity.

I do see it as me being affected by everything the most. There were some days where I felt that all hope was gone, and that so much was lost I couldn't lose anymore of myself. I do feel encouraged by the strength I've shown. It ate so much of me I was in crumbs.

The year was a year where good things happened too. Of course it isn't easy to remember it when disaster fills you everyday, but I've had some good moments too. Being the first to graduate with that paper, being able to drive legally, learning more things along the way like playing an instrument, and deciding on something I'd like to pursue in the near future.

The times I've spent with those who mean something to me is something I'd like to point out too. In times where it's felt as though I've lost my ability to communicate, I've still not lost that sense of reading people and communicating with them on a personal level. I guess that's me, being personal, and I'm glad it didn't abandon me in my hour of need.

I've lost dear people, in ways that really hurt.

I've nurtured some other relationships too, blossoming into beautiful understanding and company for one another.

I've lost myself, and found me again. Time and time again, and again, and again. Time. &. I make it sound so fascinating, but it's a long painful process. I need to do it less often in 2010. Oh wait, it's just another year for the many of you right? Haha, why did I even bother?

Nah, it's a end of something, and a beginning of another. Mitch said it spot on, every ending is a new beginning. We just don't know it at that time. Well done Mitch mate.


I really do not know what the new year's gonna hold for me. I certainly hope to achieve some things on a personal level with myself. I've kinda lost faith in something, something dear to my heart. I guess I'm just gonna channel my belief in something else. There is no use believing a broken glass can ever be put back together, so I'm not gonna bother putting my energy into something that'll never work out. Cause it's a lost cause, I won't worry my life away.


I've always reminded myself that, life is beautiful. As much as I say it so often, to me I think life is beautiful. Life is beautiful, life is beautiful. And I love it so much, nothing'll take my love for it away. I do have miserable days where even the sun shines on everyone else but me, but I've had days too where I just look around, and marvel at how beautiful things are. How fascinating people are, how magnificent this place is. This is such a beautiful place. I just want to make the most out of it. And I know, when the day comes where I can do things my way things will be different. We'll be the envy of everyone, just by showing how much we enjoy living life. Cause life isn't always a struggle, we can choose to live it differently. Only if we want to. I want to, live it differently I want to. And I will. I choose to. And I will.


I may not be here often, sometimes barely twice a month. But I mean it when I say this; This place, it means the world to me. A place for me to channel my crazy-ass thoughts, a place where I unwind after everything that's took place. I may have lost many, one thing I can never lose, is my love to write. Beautiful writes some might say, I humbly thank you for that.

This place has been remarkable for me. On happy nights, on not so happy nights. On high nights, on oh-my-god-so-fucking-high nights. This place has been just amazing. And that's the first emphasis word here. I'm trying my best to use it less often, unless necessary.


This year has been one of my not-so memorable year. But I'll still take it to heart.

Here's the last mid-write of the year.

"Wish"

Nothing different really
Just me wishing
You being here
Spending the last hours together.

Nothing different really
Just me hoping
There'll be a day
Where you're here
Watching me do this.

Cause it's nothing different really,
I just dreamt of it.
Beautiful I'd say
The way I saw it in angles.
Nothing will be as good as the real thing though.
Not even you.

Nothing's changed
You said it brilliantly
I seek someone beautiful
Inside, & out.
You really couldn't have said it better.

I know that day will come
And when it does
Suffocate me
While I do you

Take my breath away
Like I take yours
I'll suck it from within you.

Nails skin deep
Lipstick and glit
And that one kiss
That will
Kill me, Kill you.

That one kiss
That'll make me & you
Us.

Goodbye hoof, hello nutmeg.
I love you. say it again
I, love you.

Happy New Year Everyone. Smile.

Impulse

What if I never saw you again? I'd die next to you in the end. That place in my mind, is that space that you call mine.

Cause I know what you look like underneath, so tease me with what's on you.

Aftermath Fragments

I'd say today has been a good day. At the end I could really feel the legs giving way, and that all I wanted to do was to sink in the chair I was in. That shows it was a well-spent day.

It's a couple days more to the day I'm looking forward to the most. To sit, stop everything, and to look back at the year that's been. I can't put my finger as to why I'm looking forward to that day, but it seems I really am looking forward to that day. I just am. Maybe that's why I like reviews so much. Not that much, but I like it.


I just think the way I've been able to wake up feeling curious has a lot to do with what goes on while I'm sleeping. Really, that's the beauty of this super processor we've been carrying around. Maybe that's the reason why it's right up there, because of it's importance. Neglect it not, for without one there isn't a way to live. There won't be life.

I've been getting desperate to get an image capturer. It's something magical, and I've thought of all the things I wanna do with it. I just to need get one to get started.

Here's a mid-write.

"Talk to me"

It's weird; Everytime I close my eyes there's one face I see. I don't seem to know this person, but it seems as though I know her.

I don't know, who are you and why are you in front of me everytime I close my eyes. Standing there, your eyes locked onto mine. It's like you're staring through me, into the soul that makes this life alive.

Really, would you care to even bother? I mean, no one's ever done that. What makes you the first person to even bother to look into me, let alone look at me? What gives you that divine right to make me feel so paralysed and helpless when I see you looking through me? Doesn't it even scare you, just by looking at me?

~

Cause no one has.
Ever thought of looking.
Through me.

Maybe looking at me.
And looking away.
Just that.

You're just killing me.
With the silence.
You're putting up.

Cause you've even bothered.
Of noticing the brown.
In my eyes.

No one has ever.
Gotten so close.
To me without words.

You're making me.
Feel helpless.
Paralysis.

~

I'd say it's been magical. Let's keep it that way. Let's.

Press

Let's sit back, and enjoy. The ride this elixir is gonna bring us on. Cause right now, unwind.


The mind's been working on overdrive for quite a while already. I guess, with so much going around me it's not hard to fathom why. There is seriously a bucket load of things going through my head. It feels difficult to concentrate on one thing alone. At the same time, it makes things work accordingly as long as instructions are followed. And don't talk to me about instructions now; I'm fed up with following orders everytime. With every reply ending with yes sir. Degrading? Humbling experience? Take your pick.

I'm finding it so hard, to think straight at the moment. Every thought is twisted and sadistic. I'm finding it a challenge to make even the slightest of eye contact with strangers. It feels so discouraging to be unable to do the most simplest of tasks. I'm taking longer than usual making decisions, my mind's blank half the time someone's telling me something. My vision providers are seeing more things than it's supposed to. Everything's just so messed up.

&I've been here tons of times, these experiences only make me stronger if it doesn't kill me in the process.
&I have tons of belief I'll come out of this once again. I just do not want to crumble again in the face of adversity. I want to be able to look adversity in the eye and say, Bring it on. Bring it. bring it on, punk.On. P,unk.


I've been having distractions along the way.I don't know if now's the time to be having distractions like this, but it's happening. I don't know, I just don't know. I'm not comfortable with certain things. With you. With her. With you is her.

In you. I'm smitten. Again, because of you. I'm smitten, you little kitten.

I;ve got a place I know, a place no one knows I know. Cause it's a place where I am, a place no one know where I am.

This is the place.


Honestly, I think I'm falling for you. Again. This time, I'm trying to find the right reasons why. This time, I'm trying to find out if it's for real. I've already got a few reasons why.

You kitten you, making Big Mr smitten by Little Ms Kitten.
You really are a kitten you. Purr.

Vagrant Vagabond

I've got so much thoughts running through me now. Phrases, words, gestures and emotions. Almost all run by emotions. The door's not even locked.

I don't know what's the cause of all this. I do know the music that's playing is playing a certain role in all of this. I just don't know. It's a different feeling you know. You know, you just don't know you know.

It might have been the book I was reading. A real good book I'd say. Most probably the only book that got me so hooked, and the only reason why I had to leave it was because my bladder was ready to go ka-put. Yes, it goes ka-put, followed by the queasy face. No, queasy first, the ka-put. Then queasy.

Really can't believe I let this band slip through my fingers. Yes yes I'm only human and all that, but seriously, really can't believe.


I'm trying to keep my mind busy, and it's been working for most parts, except when I typed that down. About me trying to keep my mind busy. It's working again though.

It's a shell, no? On ours back. That we use when we need shelter. I'm coming outta it though, I guess it's time I discovered something else. Something I'd feel more relax doing, something I'd feel more comfortable showing. Cause quite frankly I'm sick of this nonsense where I'm not me and you're simply being you as easy as you can. Cause I've always been sick with this phony place where no originality comes from. Where everything's mimicked and lives are toyed with. Cause really, it's you who's really the toy, we're just the creators that has created the monster you. And that we take joy in what we see, in what we have created. Cause really, we are voyeurs all. Cause really, we love watching. Anything, Everything. Something, nothing. All of it. None of it. Full of it. Full of shit.

And while we all try to be us you're happily being you. And like zealous step-sisters we all wished we could scalp that smile off your sweet innocent. Cause there's nothing more satisfying then turning you into one of us. Making you, like one of us. It's knives in our pockets not pockets full of love it's pockets full of knives sharp blood-filth knives. It's blood stained our clothes not soap scented fabrics. Cause it's your blood we truly desire it's your blood we truly want to see dripping down our knives our sharp blood-filth knives. We're conniving your downfall, let the cackles pierce through the night while we watch. Them carving your face.

The beauty of poetry. And the beauty that I can write all this. It's a pity though.

I'm all me, in less and more. And I'm all being baffled once more. Cause I'm full of everything. That I'm full of something.

And that I'm hoping I can be appreciated. That's all I ask for. That's all I ever dream of. Let the rest follow.


I still love you, don't you know?

I love you; don't you know? No you, not you. Yes, you. You.

Clouded Vision

I can't start without talking about the night. And the moon tonight. Like every night I get back home I'm always attracted to the one thing that's the brightest in the sky. Be it round, semi, crescent. It has never failed to lure my eyes to it. And the night tonight, it's the kind of night I go soft about. With wind so gentle and cold, like wisps of ice vapour making you pout your lips out towards it. No one likes a cold kiss, but it sure feels that way, the night. I just wished it'd be more dead. I would like to hear wind only, nothing else. Maybe throw in a few crickets but that's the most I'd accommodate to.

I can't wait for the last day of this year in all honesty. I can't wait to do a review of what the year has been for me. I won't want to spoil it for myself, but I can foresee what I'll be writing. It's probably the one day I'm most looking forward to right now.

It's been really haywire for me this few weeks. When home doesn't feel like it and work is just horrible. And with the sudden bouts of thoughts bombarding my vision, clouding it with shrouds of gray. Nothing has ever felt so bad before, really. I have never felt so horrible about things. I guess it's really the timing of it all, and when things are down everything crumbles. For me at least, it usually happens this way. And I spend so much time correcting things, while more things are being wronged. What a fucking hypocritical phrase. It's a hypocritical phase.


I'm being dreamy once again. I usually am, but I'm feeling that I'm going through a cycle, and this is the part where I feel this way. Where I get stuck with words, and no word seem to come out right. And there's a lack of courage with the things I do. It's been a bad time.

All I have is me right now. That's most probably all that I've ever had. And I do trust that it's all I need to get me out of this. And I know, I'd get out of this. Goodness this should be child's play for me by now, such is the normality of these predicaments.


And you can take everything away from me, everything. The one thing you can never detach is my belief. And my love for life. And although it's not exactly beautiful, life now, it's gonna be beautiful. I know it is. Because I belief in me. And I belief me can make life beautiful. It's not gonna be easy, but it'll be done. I just need to keep a hold of myself.

It's not been easy. It really hasn't. The battles I've been facing, against others, against me. So many, so many of them. I've won some, I've lost some. But I've learnt a lot. And being someone who is a believer of learning, I've benefitted from it all. Because I've learnt so much. About me, about them, about us.


I'm still having clouded vision, but it's slowly clearing up. The me-you this-that jibber-jabber. But it's making sense. It is.


And it's been burning my lips. And my throat. Let it be, I'm enjoying every sip. This clear gold.

It's the me-you this-that jibber-jabber, but it's making sense. It is.