Harrowing

It's gotten big, I'd say. Not huge, ginormous. But still, it's something big for me.

There's not much to it, but the act itself is.


There's a lot to it, the act. But the act itself is quite simple. It's the buildup to it, that's key. All the thinking, decision making, pondering if it's the right thing to do, and the right way to say it, and the right words to use, gosh.


Nothing's for certain, it's certainly uncertain times here.


I guess the similarities being shared is the one thing that got me to do it. And the comfort I get. It's not easy to share these similarities, not easy difficult very very difficult. Yet, it's not impossible. I guess, nothing is. Impossible. Nothing.


It's certainly not my style to talk about very recent happenings here, I kinda think it gives the impression that I'm demanding for something. Not really an impression then, is it? Shut up.

Really, it's not a demand. If anything, it's just my head unable to keep a lid on it. And trust me, I'm being as vague here as possible. If anything, it's not what it seems.

This time? I guess it is.


Let's see where this brings me. Let's not get too far ahead, nothing's even began yet.
Let's see what this brings me. It could be nothing, it could be something.

The feeling in me? There might be something here. I dunno.


I'm waiting. Been so for quite a while.
I'm waiting. Will be.

Seeing Double

It's too worrying. Right now I'm beginning to see how much of a worry it is.

Can't seem, I just can't seem to get it out of the system. In my system. In me, the system. I know, I do know that it's not just a phase. It takes time to recover from it, and there's always a big possibility of a recurrence.

I do know this all, at the back of me head I do know. Yet, the hope given, the light brightening up this dark alley makes me, forgetful. In the attempt to hang on to these threads, these thin delicate threads of hope, reality is lost. And it's difficult, oh it's so oh difficult to pick everything up again. The amount of energy needed, the amount of patience needed to do it all over again is what consumes me. And if this is a once-after-such-a-long-while thing I'll be pleased. Pity though, it's happening often. Too darn frequently.

Fuck. Me.
Fuck. This.

I guess though, it's something I cannot run away from. It just delays the inevitable. I'd plead though, be merciful. I'll be merciful to that.


Keep the mind dry, keep it empty at times. Cause, in times like these I really need to give myself some space. Cause, in a crowded room it's a ticking time-bomb. The last thing I need is to lose it all.


I've pretty much answered myself. It's me thinking. Too much of it, thinking. Really though, I can't help it. I really can't do it, it's a trait in me and I can't stop. I guess control is the only way, but even then right now it's not easy, not easy at all difficult very very difficult.

Yet, it's not impossible. I truly believe in that. I can salvage this still, myself, I could still do it there's never been a time I gave up. I don't want to, don't ever want to, give up. Don't ever wanna give up. Cause it'll just mean I've given it up on all fronts. I can't bring myself to do that. The conscience in me don't agree to it. It's quite demanding you know, my conscience.


Rambles, murmurs, rubble and stones; Fake tea pots pour pounded leaves. I'd have a cuppa tea, it's soothing on the nerves.

"Lisa"

Hollow voices breach the peaceful night;
Gosh you're sharp, amplified.
There's no way it was subtle.

Such a beautiful mind.
Too bad, it's tainted.

Deviation

It's pretty laid back now. A somewhat nauseating breakfast, it was all good at the start though. Ha ha, I guess I got pretty greedy. Oh well, the tea's fucked up. Let there be light.

I would like it to be opened, not literally, but metaphorically by someone. To just captivate me with your senses, and how you read me as much as I do you. Cause I do you, read, and at times it sucks to feel certain things. But I've told myself something. And, as much as possible, I don't wanna deviate myself away from it. I guess that's when a checklist becomes a necessity. Keeps me reminded, and on track.

Patience.


It really isn't easy, for me, to be patient. I really have a thin line when it comes to this. I guess things can really get under my skin easily. Not just anything, but when it comes to certain situations involving certain people I know.

Come to think of it, I feel weak realising that things can get under my skin easily. I feel shameful if I'd be quite honest with ya. Gosh, how pathetic is that?

If a title says a lot about a book, this entry's title could just be fitting. Kudos, bindek. Kudos.

Does sound very, "Land-of-the-rising-sun-ish", doesn't it? Sounds like a form of martial arts.

"I've got loads to tell ya
I just can't translate my thoughts,
into words."

Red Heart

It's been alright. I guess it's been not too bad. Better than expected I'd say. Still, everything could be better. Oh you demanding freako-zoid!


Okay, so after a brief interruption I'm back. Mind's not totally focused on this page here, but what I do know is that I really am in need of a freakin' music player. So come on, don't disappoint me.


I do hope this temperature I'm running comes down, it's not the best of times to be ill. Not when there's a long weekend to look forward to.


Cause, this is full of hope and glory. And this is a good feeling. It can always be better. I know I'm demanding. I can be realistic, too.

"Blood bath in the deep west"

I've been wondering;
If I did cut you tonight,
would you bleed?

If I did suffocate you,
would you gasp for life?

What if I broke all the bones in you,
would you disfigure?

All this while,
would anyone hear your screams?

I doubt so, hun.

We're so deep in here,
I bet it'll take at least a week for someone to realise,
the gruesome blood bath that took place tonight.

By then, I'd be 10,000 miles away.
With only the memory of you left with me.

It's not enough,
cause I'd do better with you.

Too bad,
you left me that night,
that blood bath night.

Have you ever asked yourself, though?

Why did I skin you?
And eat you?
And see joy in your pain,
And feel euphoria in your screams?

Cause I'm sick.
You, were my illness.


Does this make me a doctor?

Crazy stuff. This has been on me mind for a good couple of days at least. Fictional, of course. But I find joy in letting my mind wander at times. It's the freedom of feeling and seeing something that's totally new. I like freedom. And it felt great to visualise all this when I was going down that road a few nights ago.

Freedom of the mind, I'm breaking free. And I'm feelin' good about it.

Dampener

It feels weird honestly. It's like, I'm neither here, nor am I there. There's a sense of detachment irking me right now. I've tried filling the void by listening to music. I've gone through lord knows how many different albums and genres. I've tried filling this with drawings, goin' through my plethora of movie collection. Yet, there seems to be no answer for this.

Answers answers, everyone wants them. That's how philosophy came about. The various methods of reasoning with oneself. Old men, groomed in shoddy robes and sporting graying beards, the look of a real thinking man. And they've spent most of their experienced lives sitting down and pondering, on why are things as such. They used their heads so much so, to the extend that most of them, invariably, turned bonkers. Or were they perceived to be luns by society, not being able to stomach their new ideas and ideology?


Really, what I'm doing right now is just finding an solution to the emptiness I'm currently feeling. Most of it up there's just mad-talk. It's me mind just let a little loose. I do admit, most of what I've said above is somewhat an excerpt of what I've hypothesised in this head of mine. However, I'm nowhere as close to declaring all that factual, simply on the merit that I have no existing proof in my hands.


I've got so many things I wanna do and become. And I feel that, as much as it's somewhat impossible to do all of it, I wanna do most of it. I want to experience as much as possible in this duration I have in my life. Obtain as much information as possible, participate in as much activities that interests me as possible, and just live. It's one life for crying out loud, fear only limits you.

I want to be limitless, even more so than the sky.

Cause I'm pretty sure the sky ends somewhere. I wanna beat that limit, and throw this mental thing called fear. Cause it is a psychological barrier, and I feel I'd do better without it. Of course, I'm gonna be smart about the things I do as well. But it's the experience of it all that adds colour and dimension to life. And I want my life, when I have a birds-eye view of it, to be the most vibrant and full-dimensional figure around. Then it'll be true to say,"I lived".

"A side-note"

Amidst all this talk about life
and the beauty of it
It's something to ponder

which would be better:
To live as a monster,
or to die as a good man?

:/