Misery Chronicles

It's quite scary, if I'm made to think about it; I've been coming here more often than ever before. Definitely there's more than 1 reason why. I don't really want to get into it though.

Something's been bugging me. Not quite literally, but something has been. I'd reckon it's more than just one thing, it's a couple. Possibilities of it being more than just a couple just bugs me more. Again, not quite literally, but yes it leave me jittery.


Sometimes, things here are written in extreme perspectives. <---It's my way of saying, it's not as bad as it sounds. Thing is, I like to make things look dramatic at times; It gives a better look overall to my subject, and makes it more well-defined. But the keyword here's sometimes. Other times, what's been said sounds more gentle than it really is. Just to make a point.

Mumble-bumble,mumbo jumbo. I'm trying to create melodramatic tongue-tanglers here. That's how "creative" I'm feeling now. This includes the word I just came up with, that word just up there. This, there, honey it's everywhere.


Let's be clear here: I don't even know how to pronounce it in the first place. I do know it's a lovely tune. Cause apart from the one thing that usually attracts me to a song, it's the other that's grabbed me this time round. The spoken words. Again, there is a word for it already. I choose not to use it though. It's my way of making things ambiguous. I've most probably lost you by now. What's the use of this text then, one might ask, since no one's here to read to the rest of the writing?
Cause I do know, someone somewhere out there actually gives a damn about what I'm saying. And trust me, it's from someone I didn't expect too, someone who I never thought would be even remotely interested in listening to me. No you, not you. Yes, you. You.

Then again, I don't know you now do I?

Bloody tongue tanglers. It's not a recognised word yet, it would be though pretty soon. In the meantime don't fuss about it, I'm sure you know what it means.

"The Unpronouncable Title"

I was told my soul was old
why can’t I understand it all
if my soul was really old
I wonder if i could change this world

Life has given my obstacles
still I bite my tongue say it’s wonderful
I’m just glad I’m still around
but I’m even more glad when things are down

It really does reflect the way I think. Hence the attraction towards this song, and it's spoken words. Beautifully written Last Letter First Letter. Don't worry, no one knows who you are. I know you're shy. I am too.

I won't tell if you won't.

kardia Battle

I don't know. It might be the darkness of the day that's driving me in this direction. Coupled by the fact that it's my favourite part of the day, and that its during this part of the day I usually feel the deeper side of me. And that the song in my head has this certain feel that's making me, "feel", this way. And that there's something in front of me that is hard to avoid. Really, I really don't know. I don't know. It's a state of unknown if you'd ask me.

I'm really puzzled. As to why I'm feeling this way. It's not that easy to analyse my feelings. And it's consuming. Consumes me, to an extent where I'm mentally drained. Physically I feel the exhaustion too.

Time to cut off all social connections. It's isolation I need. She said it perfectly; "You enjoy being by yourself more right?"
&Sometimes I wonder how right, or wrong that sounds. Again, I don't know. I really don't.


I personally belief there's no absolute right or wrong in anything. It's how it's done. Perceptions and stereotypes generally labels things. However, there is more good than bad, or vice versa, in things. Again, depending on the situation. That, I truly believe in.


It's kardia battle tonight. Cause tonight, my heart's engulfed itself in a certain obsession. Of a certain voice. A certain type of hearing pleasure that makes my head spin. Because of envy, of passion, of love, and of desire. A longing, to be able to be half as good, or more. Nothing'll ever be done just by sitting. A plan, I need to come up with a plan. A strategy, to work my way around things.

&I feel a certain disgust someone's giving me. Certainly it might be coincidence. But even mere coincidences has its limits too. This, is too coincidental.


Maybe it isn't just me. Maybe everyone's having kardia battle too. It's already been a weird year so far. What's to say this isn't part of the year's theme too? Certainly it might be coincidence. But even mere coincidences has its limits too.
I wonder who said that I really do.

laugh(you'll see me _ here)

Situational Consequence

The bone-chilling, spine-tingling fact is that, I have never felt this way about a twinkling "satellite" in the sky ever. It almost feels surreal to be this way. Gosh. I could never really see myself this way. This isn't one of the things I exaggerate about it's full truth none BS.

I guess I just have to keep it under control. &I have to keep it discreet. It's the consequence of the situation I've put myself in. I don't see no wrong, but the right's not visible too. It's making me feel horrid.

shit.

An Apparition

I'd kill right now, to have a place of my own. A wooden structure, over-looking the wide view of a spotless ocean, extending my view as far as the horizon takes me. Where possibilities are as endless as the journey to reach the horizon end. Where serenity means I can float in my own presence. In the presence of me own views extending as far as the horizon takes my. Where improbabilities are as little as the number of spots in the ocean. Where optimism floods you like the gallons of salty solution in this huge blue bowl. Where the wind can bring you places only your hair experience. To experience the same thing as the other thousands of fibres. A place where it's almost as close to being in that haven heaven. A place so close to that piece of haven it feels like all could end and nothing would be left in regret. A place so close to my heart. A place of my own.To have one, I'd kill to have it now.

Owl Strangers

No one take this. No one would do it. Take this away from me. No one'd dare to.

You were amazing, and I don't really want to wake up from this. Yes, such is the impact.

I'm honestly thankful, to get the chance to experience this. This, I truly am grateful for.


I'm not putting too much into it, there's this fear of disappointment. I'd be crushed, so I'm distancing myself away from that. It's this downslope thing I'm feeling now, I really don't know why. It's making me feel sick; Motion sickness.

Whatever it is though, it's been a lifetime experience. I do hope I'd hear from you. It's optimistic belief here. I'd understand though if it doesn't happen. It's reality check. We'll see.

I told you I'd see you. I'm banking on doing it soon again.
Ka-ching.

Last First Letters

All the words I have up there's just jumbled up. It's like flippin' through the dictionary and seeing all the words in an unorderly fashion. I'm happy; It's such a strange feeling. That's such a strange statement.

I really cannot organise what I'm thinking right now. I can't decipher what I'm feeling now. I'm just happy, I truly am. And I've just had my eyes opened.

I really think a lot more effort is needed on my side to do what I want to. I just think art is bloody beautiful. I'm in love.


She's just beautiful. So so beautiful. I really hope I would get to meet someone like her. Cause she's just amazing. And adorable. I've got a soft spot for that.

Whatever it is, I'm speechless. You've made my day. Thank you.
p.s. I'd really like to get to know you. Cause I think you're amazing. It'll only work both ways though.

You're beautiful. So fuckin' beautiful.

Watching Pounds

I really wish I could have it back. Cause really, I feel like fish out of water here, without the one thing that lets me breathe. Gills and lungs, I need my air, cause it's suffocating here.

It's the build up of frustration and suffocation. A chemical imbalance seems to be ever present in here tonight. First it's this, then that. It's the me-you this-that jibber-jabber. Jab-jab. Jib-jab. Jab. Jab.

We all know what I'm saying here. Yet, it's so unknown, what exactly I'm trying to tell you. That you're not worth it. That you're worthless. But your worth is unaccounted accumulation. Of worthless accumulation. We return to square one.

This jib-jab ain't going away tonight. Oh no not tonight. Cause while crossing over to the other side, I had a thought.

Tonight, a comedian died in New York. Somebody knows why. Somebody knows. Nobody knows how. Nobody knows why.
"Just the way I wanted it to be."

Escaping Identities

I lead a life. Actually, I've led another.

I lead 2 different lives. Each, with a different identity.

It's my way of escaping the true one I'm living. Oh wait, which was it again?


Such joy I receive, from not being me.

That sometimes I wonder; Should it always be this way?

No one can always be happy. That's my way of saying no.


I can be whoever I want in my other life.

Actor, artist, magician musician. From Norway Egypt, Italy Manchester.

Such a make belief world. That I made to believe in.


Yet I've chosen this path.

The one with hurdles and puddles.

Cause it's the hardest of paths. Cause it's the path of all paths.

end.

Noir Circle

I've got something on my mind. It's not one thing, it's many. Oh, surprise surprise.

It's been a while. As usual, my mind's been active. About so many things. About so many people. It's about you, and you, and you. That's 3 people, not one. But it's more. I was just giving an example of the number of people. Moving on.

I've been learning a lot lately. Not book knowledge, but about handling situations, and how to. I've been in many situations countless of times, but I feel that right now, I have the capability to handle certain things appropriately.

I don't know, it has something to do with relinquishing control over certain things. It's not because these things are beyond my control, I'm always capable of anything, almost. Yes I do still believe there are certain things that only higher forces can control, while we're at it's peril. It's because, some things are not worth my effort. And that, there are more important things I need to tend to. Maybe not having much things around me has made it look like I'm capable of prioritising. I don't think so though, I just feel I'm much capable to speak up more , and to let others know what I think instead of just bottling up.


It's been a funny 2 weeks. So many things going on, and I'm merely a spectator to most. Still, it has been eventful. And there's definitely a hormone imbalance in me. Yes that's right, hormone imbalance. Oh wait, hasn't that always been the case? Oh.

I've been thinking about stuff. And that, I feel this sense of disappointment in me, when I think of the many things I could have done. I could have done this, I could have done that. I could have done so many, and yet, I didn't. Simply because, I was being me in the moment. It's the me-you this-that jibber-jabber.

I guess things really do happen for a reason, with a reason. That's how I've been looking at it. And right now as much as I really, really wished I did a certain thing after looking back, I didn't do it at that time because of a reason. A reason deep inside of me. So deep, wells are put to shame. It's something deep. Still, looking back at it now, I really wished I did it. Only thing, I'm certain that if I was in the same situation again, I'll probably do what I did the last time. It's a cycle, a chain I'd never break.

I could have done you that time, I saw it in your eyes you wanted it. I didn't, though. Give me the chance right now; Unless circumstances changed, I wouldn't. Cause you were not worth it.
How I wished the circumstances changed. How.


I've been in my deep self recently. And that, I find it so easy to fall into. But I always look more at the negatives, and tell myself I'm worth a lot better than that. Cause I'm looking for perfect. Perfect for me and no one else.
"It's like a jigsaw piece; I'm looking for that one unique match."
Call it whatever you want, it's still a jigsaw. Nothing's changing it.

&HaikuNoir