Goodbye My Lover

He called me.

Messy and all, his silence was deafening.

He knew he made the promise.

The promise that, he will never think about her, ever again, after that letter.

But this 'feelings' thing is a very complex, "thing".

"Be understandng," he pleads to everyone.

This, this is his farewell to her. Everything in this post, it reflects what they had together. Everything.

This is the promise. This, he told me with quevering lips, is the final one.

"Enough of empty promises!" he bellowed.
"This is my promise."

He sang this with his heart.

Now, use yours. Use your heart and feel this.

Are you listening?

This is entitled, Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry,I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bare my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

"Now, will she even be listening to me?" he asked solemnly.

"People say, that 'goodbye' is one of the hardest word to say."

"I didn't know that till the day I had to, had to say that word."

"You were my lover, you were my friend."

"You were my only but now, you've made me so lonely."

"Its been more than a year already," he said.

I was listening quietly.

"But it's still lingering, strongly," he added.

"She's a lucky girl my boy." I said.

"She must have been a special one."

Silently, his final words, reluctantly

were:

"Goodbye my lover."

"Hey, are you listening?"

I wish she is. I really do.

Enquote

"And now,

We can't let something that does not exist run our lives, now can we?"

Yup. That quote's from the post entitled "Pseudo". You know, the post that talks about memories. Well, so much in that post has been said about what memories are, and how they affect us. So much.

Well, how about the other 'thing' that can affect us? Yeah. Dreams. You know, the vision of your fake world that you see in your mind when your head hits the pillow. They say dreams can tell you alot. Some people say, it shows us what the subconscious mind is keeping away from the conscious one. Some say, dreams hold a hidden message in it. Others, well, they just think that it's nothing.

And for this one fella, he feels that it's the first option.

If you remember clearly, the earlier posts here were about this boy, and how much he has been suffering after the loss of the girl he loved so much. Those posts showed how much he actually cared for her, how much he loved her, how much he missed her. Many posts later, and those things became history. Not much has been said about the agony his heart went through as before. Yes there is a reason to that sudden disappearence of those kind of posts.

You see, the boy was recovering. And those close to him would say that, he was recovering very well. There were drastic changes to his character. Nono, good changes. Those close to him would have realised that he was trying to recover. They saw a change in his expression. From the lost, helpless face he used to have, smiles became a regularity. Laughter was soon appreciated, and he, was happy. Yup. Even they saw it.

And for the boy, he realised that too. His smiles were no longer a facade. They were genuine. Yes, he was still affected by those evoking memories, but he chose not to be bothered by them. "Yes those were great times, but everything has an end," he would say to himself. He no longer talked about the girl. Instead, he was living. Living for himself.

However, he called me. "Ah, he must be missing me," I chuckled when he talked to me. But the chuckle soon turned to a spine-chilling expression. "Oh no," I said.
He was crying.

Yes, like any other person would, I sat down and listened. And this is what he had to say:

You see, if anyone would understand, he never truly forgot about the girl. And using common sense, no one in his situation would. Instead, he chose to ignore those sudden flashbacks, citing them as just, memories. And he said what he normally would," Hey, it's no point."

You see, he made a promise to himself. He promised that he would never allow himself to think about her because, it's of no use. There's nothing he could do already.

But recently, dreams are the ones that are pulling him down. Trust me, he didn't stand a chance.

A few nights ago, just before he went to bed, he was watching TV. And after that, just before he fell asleep, this stray thought just loitered in his mind: "What if, she came back to me?" he asked himself. And as usual, he just thought he was being silly, and casually brushed that thought aside before falling asleep. And what he dreamt about, well, it affected him, badly. Real badly.

He dreamt that he was talking to the girl. She said,"I'll be real busy because, I'll have over 20 closets of clothes to try on." Yes, they were gonna get married, and, she was pregnant. In that dream, they were just in love with each other. Gazing into each other's eyes, hugging each other closely, listening to her belly with so much of excitement, never wanting to leave each other. It was just love. The boy knew it. You know why? Because, it felt the same as it did when he was together with her last time. It was exactly the same. Don't feel offended, but he said this. "Only those who has been in love would understand this feeling because, it's just unexplainable. It's this magic feeling. You know you're in love because, you've never felt this way before, 2 individuals becoming 1. But, you will never know how to explain it. It's just like, magic," he said.
I wouldn't disagree.

And in that dream, he did things that he never did when he was with her. He did the one thing he couldn't do; He actually stood up for her when she was forced to say something by one of his close friends. He wasn't hesitant; "Back off man. Don't force her to say it. Just back off." He just said it, out of instinct because he felt that she was feeling uncomfortable. He was protecting the love of his life when she needed him, the one thing he never fully did when he was with her last time. He never fully did it because, he was scared to offend people. But in that dream, he didn't give a fuck because, she was everything to him. Everything. He was undoing his wrongs.

And so when he woke up that morning, he felt dead. He was missing the things he once had. He missed the feeling of hugging, the feeling of 2 people feeling so close physically, the endorphins.

He missed love.

His whole day was affected by this, this fake vision he saw and when it was night he talked to me. He felt better, and when I got a phone call the night after I talked to him, I was expecting something good. Instead, he told me this:

"I dreamt of her again. We were talking, and I asked her how was she doing. She replied, 'You should know boy. You should know me well enough.' We then started chatting casually when I wanted to ask her this question, but I woke up from the dream," he said.

"Well, what did you want to ask her?" I asked.

"Will you give me another chance?" he replied, in a quevering voice.

He continued,"I just don't understand this man. Why am I thinking about such stuff? I mean, is this what I really want deep down? Is it?"

I only had this to say to him:

"And now,

We can't let something that does not exist run our lives, now can we?"

Family

What does that word mean?

"Anyone have the faintest of thoughts on that?" he asked.

"The world. That's what it means," the boy said, replying to his own question.

"Anyone wanna go against that 'faint' thought?" he chuckled.

"The obvious phrase I can use here is that, 'HEY! Without them you wouldn't be here.' "

However, let's go deeper, shall we?

I guess, in reality, the word family can mean alot. It's subjective. Some may agree with that thought above. Others may think different of it.

What you say is usually influenced by your experience of it. Your perception is based on experience

"Wanna go against that too?" he asked, with a cunning smile, a smile that showed determination.

To some, family is the only reason why they're still alive. "The power of family love", that's what they might imply to. To some, family is the only 'thing' that matters to them. Money, cars, babes, all these material things don't make up for the raw and filter-free emotions when it comes to hugging a love one after years of not seeing him/her. It doesn't make up for the drama that unfolds during dinner on the dining table. The laughter, the sharing of each other's day, the helping of passing the food around to others on the table, the tossing of the salad together. I can go on and on, and on. But I'm sure I've made my point.

To some, family is usually the first ones you look for when in need of, enlightenment. They would be the ones that will always be available no matter what. They would be the only ones available 24 hours a day. Because they love you. No matter how much they complain at the end of the day for putting things away for you just to rush down to help you, at the end, they only rushed down because they wanted to help you. Because, they love you.

"This sounds too naive now, doesn't it?" he asked me.

I nodded, in agreement.

"Yeah, this is the family we all want, deep down inside. Some of us are lucky enough, some of us, not," he said.

You see, this boy, he has a family. But at times, he just feels as if the word carries no meaning. Sometimes, he feels,"This is not what family is supposed to be like." This is his part:

You see, when you look at a lake, you see water. You only see what's on the surface, if the water is unclear, that is. You don't really see beyond the surface. The lilies, the frogs hopping around, the ducks quacking. All nice things. But sometimes, it doesn't tell you the whole story of the lake, and what lies within. Yeah you may say that, hey, if things are so bad in the depths of the lake, why are there so many things surviving on the surface? How come there are ducks and frogs and stuff? Well my friend, have you ever heard of this:

What you live with doesn't determine who you are.

Yes maybe there are monsters, or crocodiles under that water. Maybe there's an evil animal leader downstairs, telling all ducks that they are ugly, and mocking about their smell. That doesn't determine who you are. You may live in a town full of uneducated people, but does that mean you are one? Does that mean that you have to be one? Only you make that choice. Only you.

And for the case of this boy, his family, if he can call them that, at times, they make him feel forlorn. Their actions make this fella go on his knees and cry, with his hands buried in his face. He feels that at times, he's living with spies. Spies working for different organisations. They cannot say anything. Everything is top-secret.

"How much did you get for your pay this month dear?" "None of you damn business!"

"Who called you just now?" "Oh it was my, erm, my mom."

Everything's a secret. And till now he figures out why. Why are they called "family" when all they ever do is hide things away from each other? Isn't sharing and caring what families do? Isn't listening to others and helping each other what family is supposed to be? No secrets; Honesty, love, that's what family is. Sadly however, it isn't for his.

Yes they do go out and have fun. But sometimes it feels as if the going out part is just the surface of what his family sounds and looks like. Like the surface of the lake.

And yes, it does hurt him alot. Tremendously. Sometimes he sits there in his room, crying, looking at the plight of his family. How they try everything possible to keep the truth away. Yeah, sometimes the truth hurts, but nah, don't use that as an excuse to keep everything away. To him, that excuse is overrated. Because, that's what family is for. To share each other's pain. To share each other's hurt.

And now, as he looks on, in a way, as much as he feels that there's ought to be another way to make him feel like that, this situation he is in has made him a stronger character. It has opened his eyes, and as his friend once told him,"They make us don't wanna be like them". They have put so much of disgust when we look at them that now, we don't want to be like this to our future family. In short, we are the polished penny. They, the dirty, filthy unpolished one.

To him, all these has a learning point. He doesn't want to be like them. He knows what it's like to feel this way. That's why, they are his motivation to be better to his future family then they are to him.

Remember, people may call you names and such. But you don't have to believe in what they say. Because, they don't know you like you know yourself. Only you know who you are. In his case, he doesn't have to think that whatever his family is doing is "right". Because, his family's actions doesn't determine his actions.

He loves them, alot. His proud of everyone in his family. But how oh how he wishes that, they will forever be truthful to each other. No more lies and deceit.

He yearns that.