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it's been really warm of late. 

it's funny, cause just early last week the rain kept pouring, and all i said to myself was, "fuckin' great the monsoon season is here." and i love wet weather. not the dampness in particular, but from where i am, rain means cool weather, and that's the only time we have cold weather over here. 

the cool crisp air, the gentle wisps of ice-breath caressing your face. the only reason to actually wear a hoodie and get away with it.

but then, the clouds just decided to fuck with me and go elsewhere to open up. and with clear skies, the sun just burns everything up. the heat is unbelievable. and i really wish there was a way for me to obtain a stat to show how many days of sun we've had. i tell you, even cubans couldn't deal with it over here. tropical? my ass.


there's always something about the cold that i've enjoyed. you experience this surreal feeling where everything moves slower than normal. cars on the road, people on the street, everything moves slower. 

you get to enjoy the beauty of things. in autumn, you see leaves brightening up and falling off branches. the wetness combined, you can stroll through parks without losing your breath. you get to be with yourself, share your thoughts to yourself. everything's quieter when it's cold. 

it's also the only time when you can see the true physical beauty of people, all covered up looking decent and warm. i've always had this thing, to cuddle someone who's clothed in thick fabric. i dunno, it's just a great feeling to just feel all that warmth even with all the layers on. i dunno, it's just a thing of mine.


yes, of course, i'm gonna be addressing the elephant in this entry. i've been away for a very long time. and yes, i do have my reasons. 

"All the voices that are spinnin' around me 

trying to tell me what to say"

i've just come to realise that, not getting in touch with my emotional side too often is a good thing. i mean, at the moment i'm just not getting in touch with my emotional side at all, and i feel liberated, in a way. all i've been doing is sweeping all the emotions under the rug and carrying on. and it feels good in a way.

but that's the issue. just keep sweeping things under the rug, and it's just keep building up, and eventually, you'll have to deal with the mess. 

but, for the time being, it's been working. liberated, yes, i feel liberated. i feel slightly superficial, male bimbo-like. i've been enjoying things i once nosed at. but it's been enjoyable. i feel slightly balanced, in a way.

things, career-wise, hasn't been amazing. it's been bipolar, of opposites. it's annoying, i really thought that i've finally had it under control. the thing is, i don't think i'm the only one being affected in such a way, such is the market at the moment. but this uncertainty, as much as it can bring beautiful surprises, it can be very depressing. and i'm feeling the depression more than the beautiful surprises. 

and then i look at one of my 2 creators, and it just saddens me that, things could very well be that way.

that's the painful part, when i have to be so cold. it tears me within, ripped at the seams, but, what can one possibly do? it's been 25 years, and the only good memory i have with him? 0.

pain. and pain that will stay with me for life, i'm sure. can't possibly understand why life would ever be planned this way. was i always meant to feel this miserable within but yet try to provide comfort to the lives of others?

i can't even see the future at the moment. not even now, not even when i'm gonna be 1/4 century old in a few weeks. it's like, come whatever may. 

i wanna see happiness, i wanna see material wealth, i wanna see the ability to help others. those are just figments of the pseudo life i wished i was born with. i can't really see if this pseudo life will become a reality. i strive for it, i really do, but am I impatient?

i've not given up. i've reach the stage where giving up means total failure. and the only way you can measure success is to achieve what you set out to achieve. and in order to do that, i have to keep trying.

yes, i do have a different way of writing. again, it has evolved. it's more messy than before. oh well.