20-4

Hi there. Yup, it's me. After a long, long hiatus I'm back here. I won't be here for long though. I guess, my life has changed in so many ways that seeing me here won't be as often as it used to. Still, I'll be here.

Yes, I have deliberately chosen to be here today. Reason? It's a secret, but I'll let you in on it. *it'smybirthday*

I'm not expecting much to be honest. In fact, if I had the means to, I'd rather be away for this one day.

 I dunno why it's different for this year, but I just don't feel like being part of this whole fiasco. After so much that has happened, I really wish I could just fly away and be by myself. Ideally I'd like to be in Kuala Lumpur, in a nice hotel suite with only me in the room. Soaking myself in the tub while I just close my eyes, and drift away. The smell of fresh warm towels, the ever freezing air-con. It'll be even better if I had a balcony. I could just sit outside, wind blowing in my face while I admire the chaos that is the urban world below me. Who knows, maybe I'll engage a call girl for a nice sensual massage. Still, I'd want her to get out of my room as soon as she's done. I just wanna be by myself.

It's funny, how much I actually wanna be away this year. I don't want my phone to keep beeping, or my Facebook to be flooded with notifications, or people to meet me and wish me. It's not that I expect to get all this attention, but it has been like this for years now so it's safe to assume that it might be a usual trend.

I don't want people to wish me. I don't know, I just wanna be left alone. I won't know what to say and how to reply but saying the real usual stuff, like thanks. That's all, thanks. Or cheers. Or cheers thanks. Fuck.

Maybe I don't want to be wished because I'm afraid of who might actually remember this day. In your mind you always expect a certain group of people who will remember, and so far, nothing. That's why I wanna be away. I don't want to dread the thought of having people I care for not remember today. At the same time, I just want everyone else to have a normal day. At the same time, I just wanna be by myself.

If I could, I would be away. And then when I get back, it has past and everything can go back to normal. Cause really, it has been normal everyday, bar today where I've finally landed a deal. I do feel blessed to be alive everyday, and to be here. But I'm working on having a life I'd remember. So far, it's been stale. Of late, at least.

Oh well, whether I like it or not, I'd have to endure just one day. I've endured many painful and uncomfortable days. This should be a walk in the park.

So on a final note, I'm working hard to be happy. Grant me my wish to be in KL now, and I'd be forever in your debt. Till then, Happy Birthday, to me.

Happy Birthday, bindek.