Diversion

Something's not right. I can swear, something doesn't feel right. Not at all it does. I just can't put my finger onto what it is. It's fucking annoying me right now, I'm feeling very disorientated. Today was not supposed to be about this, I had a plan, the sermon was already in my mind but this has disrupted it.

What could it be, what could it be? Something I ate that's messing my head? It can't be that lump that's screwing things. I honestly can't figure it out. You know what would help now?
I need to blank out. Space out. No way I'm gonna be chasing dragons for this effect; I've got a method of my own. Just stare blankly. And speak your heart's desires'.


The past couple of entries has been kind of different, don't you think? It's a lot about something that's been disturbing me within, or some vague description of the issues I've been facing. Well, I know this space here has always been about me. But it felt different to the references I usually made to my entries: Music. I know I know, I have mentioned it recently. However I've not been talking a lot about my feeling-high moments that in the past was influenced by the tunes ringing in my ears.

I just feel that all of the bullshit that's been going on has been distracting me. It has been creating diversions from a lot of my usual rituals. Maybe this is the reason why I'm feeling disturbed. Maybe it's been bugging me so much lately that now it's beginning to show. The signs were telling you know. I was feeling extremely out of place. It felt really crazy to be honest.

Ah yes, it's singing in my ears now. Liberation. It feels like the soul's reborn, so much excitement, so much that has been contained has finally been released. I'm feeling much better now.The headache's not gone yet, maybe a glass of fine Scotch will help. I've got to wait though. To be honest, I've been considering getting one of my own. The wait's been a wee bit long don't ya think? It's not as if I'm not grateful at all. I truly am. I just feel that there's reluctance.


I do honestly feel that for the past few weeks I've been tossed here and dragged there like a ragged doll. Maybe an oversized ragged doll, but yes, even Barbie had crushes on big boys. Cause we big boys have big hearts. And we know how to treat a lady right, right Barbie? Just go ask her, she'll tell you.

I feel that the past few weeks have been really redundant. Calls for help were nothing more than use-and-abuse sessions. You get used, you're thrown abuse, and you're told straight in the face to fuck off. Oh trust me, it felt this way. And it feels that I'm being clouded by stolen sweethearts. I just feel that I'm not needed anymore. Like, hoi, I don't need ya anymore so pack ya bags and fuck off boy.

I know different circumstances calls for different approaches, and for this I'm not a priority, but yes, as much I do understand, I do hurt too. If only my heart could speak, it would tell you how indifferent I've been feeling. I know my heart's usually speaking here, give me credit I was just trying to make a point.
Don't feel that it's just one person in particular, but yes, it might be. I'm not filtering my content just because "ya'll" be reading it, there's no censorship and sympathy here, only my heart talking. This heart, it hurts hearts, and it gets hurt too. Kinda like a give & take thing eh? You give some, you get some.

I know things have been really rocky. To be honest, I've hardly been able to understand my feelings too. It's a disappointment for me; I'm usually indulgent in my nights like this, but apparently because of all the crap that's been spilled I've been busy cleaning it up as well as bitching about it here. Feels really lousy to know that I've kinda lost track of myself.

Typical me eh? Disappearing as I get crowded out by things. Things that I don't feel comfortable around with. If there's one criticism about me, and trust me there are many, but if there's one I have about myself, it's that I disappear in times like these. Where with all the rubbish that's been circling around me I've never been able to calm myself and think straight. I feel excuses are excuses, and as much as I can have a lot to defend myself against this claims, it is a fact. That, all my life I've not been able to stand up and face things properly and instead, I've been running away every time. Sometimes I do feel that my vision clouds out but deep down I know it within me that I have to do something about this. I just feel that excuses are praises that just makes you feel good about yourself.
It lies to you. Don't that line make you feel disgusted? Puke, I'm sure you want to.



I do feel though that I've been very self-centered about myself these days. I've been feeling good about myself in certain aspects. It's the belief I have in myself I guess. The belief that, I know, no one else's opinion matters to me especially when that no one's a no one to me. And, I know death in inevitable, and I've never felt larger than life itself, but it's a belief I have deep down that I have a lot to achieve in my near future. I'll never tempt and challenge fate, that I will not do. But I do know deep in me, that Ravin, you're gonna shine soon. Not celebrity shine, but shine within the eyes of those who love you, and those whom you love. And those who never thought you would do it.

Maybe the reason why I never tell just anyone about this space of mine is because all those who know about this space of mine are those whom I regard to as people who matter, and that they actually give a fuck about me to waste their time coming here and reading all my bullshit. Maybe it's a privilege for ya'll to be able to see all this as much as it is a real privilege for me to be able to have people actually giving a fuck about my thoughts, so feel thankful that ya'll mean something to me. Cause now, in my life, no one matters more that those who matter to me. This, coming straight from the heart. Feeling the pimples on ya skin? I thought so too.

This has been a real long one. I'm gonna end it with some terms that has been on my mind for a while now. I knew I needed to get it out here, eventually. So here it is. Try figure.

She looked me
In the eyes
With eyes as warm
As how she was
When I's in her.

Standing within a breath from me
She got even closer.
I could feel.
Her chest throbbing
Pounding
Like the meat she was treated Like
That night.

I felt her breath
It contained words.
You treated me like how I should be treated that night it said
You treated me well she said
You treated me to a smell.

I knew instantly
About what she was talking About.

Caressing her
I removed her love-stained clothes.
The same ones she wore that night
The same one I stained.
It was my love, stained on her clothes.

It revealed her Goddess body
All over scarred with marks of affection.
The suckles and bites.
It's the body
I worshiped that night.

What happened next
Would be a guess you'll make.
Cause I ain't saying shit
Till the next time she quips.