Seeing Double

It's too worrying. Right now I'm beginning to see how much of a worry it is.

Can't seem, I just can't seem to get it out of the system. In my system. In me, the system. I know, I do know that it's not just a phase. It takes time to recover from it, and there's always a big possibility of a recurrence.

I do know this all, at the back of me head I do know. Yet, the hope given, the light brightening up this dark alley makes me, forgetful. In the attempt to hang on to these threads, these thin delicate threads of hope, reality is lost. And it's difficult, oh it's so oh difficult to pick everything up again. The amount of energy needed, the amount of patience needed to do it all over again is what consumes me. And if this is a once-after-such-a-long-while thing I'll be pleased. Pity though, it's happening often. Too darn frequently.

Fuck. Me.
Fuck. This.

I guess though, it's something I cannot run away from. It just delays the inevitable. I'd plead though, be merciful. I'll be merciful to that.


Keep the mind dry, keep it empty at times. Cause, in times like these I really need to give myself some space. Cause, in a crowded room it's a ticking time-bomb. The last thing I need is to lose it all.


I've pretty much answered myself. It's me thinking. Too much of it, thinking. Really though, I can't help it. I really can't do it, it's a trait in me and I can't stop. I guess control is the only way, but even then right now it's not easy, not easy at all difficult very very difficult.

Yet, it's not impossible. I truly believe in that. I can salvage this still, myself, I could still do it there's never been a time I gave up. I don't want to, don't ever want to, give up. Don't ever wanna give up. Cause it'll just mean I've given it up on all fronts. I can't bring myself to do that. The conscience in me don't agree to it. It's quite demanding you know, my conscience.


Rambles, murmurs, rubble and stones; Fake tea pots pour pounded leaves. I'd have a cuppa tea, it's soothing on the nerves.

"Lisa"

Hollow voices breach the peaceful night;
Gosh you're sharp, amplified.
There's no way it was subtle.

Such a beautiful mind.
Too bad, it's tainted.