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I really don't know the kind of messages I've been giving out. It's subliminal, I'd admit to that. But it's interpretation on the other side that is of concern. Of concern to me. The most concerning thing though, is that, I really don't know myself, the kind of messages I've been giving out.

It might be signals of desperation. That I'm desperate, desperate for something to happen. To happen for me. It might be desperate signals. I'm honestly puzzled, cause I don't understand how signals like this can ooze out of me in such a way. In such an easy way. It's as if I've got a message on my head, for all to see, telling people that I'm desperate. It's seriously concerning.


I'm aching all over. All over. And I'm burning in places, both metaphorically and literally. Things have not been easy, not easy at all.


I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride of late. My mind's been racing, at a crazy pace. It's been such a challenge to keep things calm. Everything's racing, the heart's pacing. I might be driving myself to the wall. A huge one, concrete slabs towering one another forming a huge blockage to an entry somewhere, and instead of going around it I'm trying to barge my way through. Fuckin' wall.

I guess it's something serious then, cause I'm seeing things that aren't there. Small flickers in the corner of my eye, only for it to be gone when I'm fully focused on it. It doesn't exist though, that's why I think this condition O'mine is quite serious.


There have been too many restrictions lately. Too many being places on me. So many things limiting me, denying me the basic right of way, so to speak in driver lingo. It's suffocating, it's holding me down so much I feel helpless, at it's mercy. It, however, is a mental dominatrix. And she's been my master lately, I her bitch. I'm at her peril, with pearls encasing me. All over me, all around me. All on me. I'm a huge fuckin pearl-making oyster. Come on, all I ever do is collect sand. How hard could that be?


I really think I should take a step back, and re-evaluate what I've been going through, and what I've been doing. I certainly think that it would help me, at least get one foot out of the grave I'm in.

"Closure has come to me myself, you will never belong to me."

So many things in my head it feels like it's about to explode. It might one day, soon. Till then, I'm still thinking. And I'm still feeling. I'm yearning too, but that's a story for another day.

In the end, I was shattered. It ended even before it began. But I guess it's true, it was never meant to be. I'll seek solace in that. Either that, or I forever live with it. I choose the latter.