Bounce

I honestly think no one should ever live like this. Sometimes there is no right and wrong, but this time is not sometime.

It's not right. This is not right. They are not right. He is not right. I am not right. Not right now.

I've got this inability, this disability in me. That after a while, I get thoughts. Of people. And that they don't like me. It's sort of depressing thoughts that come after a while, and I can't help but to get paranoid about this. I start observing the smallest of details, the tiniest of gestures they make. It's like the angel-and-devil scene we see in cartoons. And that the devil's invoking things like this in me.

There's evil in all of us. I won't deny there isn't any in me. I think there's loads of skeletons in my closet that I won't want people to see. At the same time, I think I'm not the only one. It's not a self-defense mechanism, and I say it confidently.

I just think no one's perfect. I'm full of imperfections, but I seek solace in the fact that I'm original. I seek solace in the fact that I do not hide my imperfections, and that I encourage myself to be proud of what I have. As much as I think that my imperfections are ugly, I too think I'm beautiful in other ways, and that past all my flaws, I feel my beauty surpasses and covers my flaws.

I guess it's just being proud of who you are, and what you have. It's the case for me. And in a way, if any way at all, nothing beats that.

And most probably, that's my ability. To coax myself. Self-soothing. Sometimes I wonder if my cries were all answered as a baby, cause it seems as though I developed this ability as I grew older. This ability, to not rely on anyone, and to believe in myself the most. As much as people don't see, I have tons and tons of belief in myself. It's just, I tend to be practical too. Modest? Yes that too.

I'm finding it hard to fathom how I do this at times, here's me not being very modest. But yes, I do wonder how I've been able to be here today. As mentioned, no one should live like this. It isn't right, to me it isn't life but to me it has strengthened me to be who I am today. I think without setbacks you never learn, and as Randy Pausch said, there's no wrong in failing, as long as it is learnt from and as long as it helps prevent a similar fate from repeating.

I won't deny I'm a repeat failure, and really, it sucks to fail. But look at me now. What I am today, it's all because of my failures. What I am today, it has all to do with me failing. And what I am today, it has everything to do with my ability. The ability, of talking myself out of depressing situations, and to bounce back.

Ability, ability, this is my greatest ability. I'm sometimes scared too though, cause this ability may become a liability one day too, as it deprives me of trusting others.

I guess every good has bad too. It's ability becoming disability, vice versa. You'll see one day.

"Your reminder"

I've been having these weird dreams
Hallucinations of sorts, in my dreamy world.
That, I was the one you always dreamed of
And, you were the one I tried to draw.

Just recently, another of these sessions
And this time, you sent me something
A message, of care.

It's funny you know
Cause what you sent
Was the exact words I said to you
The exact words I didn't remember myself saying to you

After all, it's after all this years
But certainly, it sounded like me
Like what I would have said to you
Even if it's been all this years

I've got to be honest
I've been thinking about you
Maybe that's why you appeared

Constantly in my dreams
With the same words everytime
About how you feel towards me, till this day

And I wake up, forcing to remember the details of it
Cause even as time has passed
You were something to me

And you know what I want right now
To know that you're still existent
And that, you do still think of me

Eventually we'll have to move on
But I know
You'll always be in me
With you, reminding me.

I still ain't over you.
Yes, I'm talking about you. No you, not you. Yes, you. You. Love you.
I'm a hypocrite. We all are.