Blue Desire

I just can't think at the moment. Things are moving so fast, whizzing past me like lights. And I'm really caught in the middle of this zooming period. And that, I really have to sober up a little. Cause it's a cause for concern, I'm kinda losing control of myself.

It's all about the "Is this the right thing" thoughts I'm having. I do believe so, but there are times where really, I do have to put my hands up and say,"Yup, that was wrong".


I really do feel that this week has been all about me not being able to control the emotions in me. I am a very emotional person, but there are times I have to control it. I have succeeded sometimes, I just do not understand why I haven't been able to realise all along that my emotions were getting the better of me this week. Silly really, silly.

Once again, thoughts in my head. As usual I guess, normal. Having things whiz past me hasn't helped, but if it's one place that can really calm me down it's here. All I had to do was to sit under dimmed lights, lean back, and read what I've been writing here. It puts a smile on my face, it really does. It really shows my style, it makes me feel that everything I've done here has never been unoriginal. And that it's been all me nothing else. Makes me feel a sense of achievement towards my work. There's no award, and in times like this it doesn't matter.


I've had a very neurotic week I feel. The smallest of things getting on my nerve, the indecisive feeling. Just everything that could have gone wrong did. And it was so annoying to feel, and do what I was feeling and doing. So annoying, urgh.

And I'm feeling such a need, such a desire to have something more in life that I've been buying things out of nothing. The desire to spend just to have something new, and the annoyance of not having the resources to fund my expenses. That's the killer right there. Because it annoys me so much, to have nothing new in such a while.

Everything feels so stagnant; No progress, no drive, I'm feeling no hunger to do anything. It sort of feels deflating on my buoyant self. And I guess that's why I want new things. It's to give me a change in things. I just need patience. That's something I do not have in abundance, very limited many would say. I won't disagree.


&3 nights ago I had a dream. It felt so real I didn't want to get out of it. That I was in a place I've only seen on TV. And that the place looked, and felt so real. It felt so real, this is first in a very long time I've conjured up a feeling like this for a dream. Cause it was really nice. I woke up smiling, half disappointed for the interruption but fully excited at how it felt like. And I've been having this feeling for the past couple of nights, having dreams that feels so real. So so real, it delights me.


There is a reason why I want to pick up something new. I just need to exercise more patience with myself now, it'll happen soon enough I belief it will.