Surreal Optimism

From high energy, to low mellow. That's how I like my last weekday night to be. It's morning though. It's confusing, don't bother.

So many things, so much to talk about. But so much do not want to come out in words that can fill these spaces in this box. It's a challenge for me, I feel, to convert my thoughts into words. Words that would make sense to others other than myself. It's a challenge for many I guess, I just feel it's one of my biggest challenge I always face when I'm here. This is a magical place though, and in some ways things just work out by itself. It's confusing, don't bother.

I'm feeling really disorientated lately. It's most probably the drugs I've been on. It's usually the case when I'm on them. Cloudy thoughts, jittery fingers, and the feeling that something is just not right. And after a while, when things do get better, everything else feels more normal. Then again, what's normal? Which bring me to my very frequent question; If everything is so subjective, what's the point in having a dictionary? No point at all, won't you agree? Won't you.


Things just do not seem right these days. So much doubts, so much negativity surrounding me. &It's difficult to shake all this off of me. &It's always a challenge I feel, to bring myself back up again when things just go down. I've figured out why, though.

Cause it's heartbreak. Not the old cliché of a heartbreak, but it's a physical one, where I feel my heart ache. Cause I give so much of myself, so much, only for someone to inflict hurt so bad I lose myself in the process. It makes me feel so vulnerable, so easy. But the thing is, not everything is supposed to work this way. That's what I seek solace in. And that is why I do not give myself up that easily. It's lessons I've learnt, the hard way, but nonetheless, lessons.


And talking about lessons, I've been going through what I've said in older entries. Boy! what preaching. It sort of digusts me in a way because, it has never been my intentions to enforce my beliefs onto others. I just like sharing, I guess sometimes I get too carried away and I start to lose focus. It happens, and that's why the entries are still there. It's to show the mistakes I've made in the past, and how proud I am now to see the change I've gone and currently am going through at the very moment. Cause we change everyday, cause we learn more everyday. Cause we're not perfect, I'm a perfect example of that. It's confusing, try though.

I'm enjoying myself though, bit by bit. Not everything's going my way, which is shitty in a way, but it's making me realise slowly that sometimes, some things are just beyond control. And that all I can do, is control the one thing I'm capable of; Myself.

Things have been dull lately. Miserable, meaningless, hopeless. And thanks to this throbbing head of mine, everything feels much worse. It'll go away though, I tell myself, belief that it'll go away. Cause belief is all that I have left. I can't have that taken away from me, too. I'll be left with nothing. Bare. Naked. Nice.


&When I keep hearing myself say things like, look at what I've lost, it just makes me feel shitty. It also makes me feel that I'm pitying myself, which is really pathetic. But it's like a tug-of-war thing, where I'm in the middle and I do not know which way I should sway towards.
&That's how I'm feeling right now, compass-less, map-less, no direction, no route.
&It just makes me realise that, I should forget about things as they are right now. And that, I should concentrate on things that currently matters the most to me. It's like a self-coaxing method I have for myself. And it usually works.

I dunno, I really don't know. I've got so much belief in things, so much so that it's scary for some. But it's the beauty of things isn't it, belief? I think it might be the epitome of beauty. Belief, that's all we need.

&Now I'm feeling more emotions flooding through me. Vision's starting to give way, my head's feeling lighter. Everything feels slower, steadier. This is the kind of place I want to be in most of the time. I know it's impossible to always be like this, but I'll choose this over anything else in the world. With just silence, and the only thing I can hear is myself. When my thoughts can be heard miles away. It's a surreal experience, one I would want to go through before my time here is over.

"Flooded"

I keep saying this
and I'll continue to do.

That I love life.
And the beauty it holds.

So much pain.
It's a bittersweet romance,
the one thing you'll never be able to live
unlike any other.

Life,
by itself,
it's the best thing ever.

If I had to do it over,
I'd do it the same.
I really would.

Belief me,
I would.

&Haiku
&Out
Out