Dark Swirls

I was just thinking to myself, that nothing much makes sense anymore. That all the psychosis that surrounds us is nothing more than an interpretation of life, and the madness of it all.

But life is indeed, beautiful. It's painful, healing, dark, full of colours, intimate, careless.


I knew too much. That's what someone said. Yeah, it's true. I knew things that didn't need to be told. It's a part of me that will never die, I'd say. Cause ever since I was a little boy, I saw things many didn't. Instead of laughing with the whole group I'd always be more interested in seeing someone in a corner, sobbing to himself. And it made me more interested in knowing why it was as such. And there was always a part of me that wanted to approach this person. Cause I knew, that this person was different from the rest. But somehow, I could never manage to do it.

Afraid, scared. I didn't want to be ostracised from the normality. I was always afraid of being different, but somehow I realised that you can't change who you are. You can only change the way people look at you. I learnt to be more forgiving to those "peasants" who never quite understood where I came from.

But somehow, when you try to help someone they just push you away. Because, they fear you knowing too much. They get afraid by this sudden invasion of their shell, the one they've been inside for a long, long time. Yet, I've always been drawn to these types. Maybe it's because I always wanted to be that knight in shining armour for them. And painstakingly, one by one, I realised, it was hurting me more than it was them. Cause, they were comfortable being that way. I then learnt, that you can never change anyone, but only accept them for who they are and what they have to offer.

I, have a lot to offer. I've been saying this time, and time again. And I never want to change for anyone. I, want to be accepted for who I am.


It was a mistake, a big one, to have told you all those stuff I did that night. Cause looking back, if you really had cared, you would have stayed up listening to me cry, and wiping the tears that was dampening my cheeks. Instead, you just went away, while I was sitting there weeping my heart out to you.

It was a mistake, one of the biggest I've made. It made me feel cheap.

And now, it makes me see that, as much as you're a beautiful character, you couldn't be there for me.

Tsk, I should not have made myself feel so cheap.

Go on, I've seen enough. Just know, I would have never done that, not to my worst enemy.


And here I am, living my life the way it always has been. This life chose me, I'm just gonna deal with it. I ain't fighting it no more. Cause, I know what I want. That, I'm gonna fight for.

I'm a dark, and bittersweet person. It is never gonna change.

Coarse Sugar & Fine Salts

In a state right now, where self-pity seems to fill every corner of anger and frustration in me.

Cause I just lost my train of thought, this page seems emptier. The next one goes away just the same, and it looks whiter.

It might be true, I just gained back my thought. That I might have been built to sustain by myself, but inside of me it's fighting that no one can go on this way. Cause it reeks and stinks of me and I. And when I decide to share this smell with someone, it just stays the same. Just, more stink than ever.

Yup I am right, I saw this day coming. I've had enough, from everything. Cause when I'm serious about something it just slaps me in my face. So, enough of the gentle talk. I'm gonna say it as it is.

Think the sweet life is rough, and the salty one is deep. That's what this life is filled with, coarse sugar, and fine salts.

i'll be fine, this isn't new. it sickens me, but i'll pull through. so forgive me if i abandon some people, cause i can't go through. what life is throwing at me, with them tugging on my shoes. the burdens of life, it isn't new. but now its blood relations we're talking, still, im kicking them off my foot. and my heart's locked up, no entry into. it'll be locked up forever, till i say im through.

Deep Red Roses

Do you smell it? Just a whiff and you'll know, that it's the smell of cupid permeating the air.

I've written a lot about love, and what it means to me, and how I like to make it sound like art. Like the story I shared about Hermaphrodites. I am not a firm believer of Greek mythology, but that story simply blew me away.

Cause essentially, love is art to me. The passion and lust in it, the sweet nectar of someone, everything about it makes me crazy. Of course, it's never smooth. But it always is sweet. How two souls intertwine with one another, their lips touching, the warm, moist breath. There really isn't anything like it.

Of course, cliches fill the air too. I heard someone saying that it should be this day everyday when you have the right person. But really, all you should do is just enjoy this day quietly without any cliches. They made this day for a reason; To renew vows, to get closer together, to find the spark that could have been missing for a while now.

I enjoy this day because when I enjoy the special twinkle I see in the eyes. And how I love admiring the beautiful roses, and providing for the quiet, candle-light dinner.

It really is a beautiful day, one which I was really looking forward to this year.

I have a garden, of deep red roses.
Cause red is the colour of love. And I have a lot to give.
And deepness is the nature of love, cause that's how I feel.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Here's my rose to give; I only have one.

In The Hands Of Time

I often marvel how, at times, time seem to prove me wrong. There have been so many instances where, often, not getting things my way have proved to be a real blessing.

And yes, I am talking about blessings here. Sometimes, I look past the fact that I am quite a blessed person. Not much seems to go the way I want it to, and most of the time it's, ironically, a good thing. Or maybe I tend to make it seem like a blessing; I am pretty good at that.

I've been pondering on a big issue in my head. It is really a big issue for me, because it means opening myself up to the critics and to people who just fill the gaps in my life socially. I have been thinking if it would be a wise decision to announce the holy grail O'mine on Facebook. Yes, I am talking about this space.

You see, I don't open up much to people. All they see is what I make them see, and I never try to get them to analyse me, probably because it isn't easy to do so. I tend to get scared when they get things right, and it's because I don't really want them to see this side of me. It makes me feel vulnerable. Kinda makes me intimidated by the amount of things they know about me. Yes, I am a very private person. Only those who are close to me know what's really going on with me, in my head. Even then, I still don't say much about my past because, I hate it.

I don't have a very colourful past. In fact, I'm probably ashamed of it. That is why I'm trying to do as much as possible, to fill my memories with colours and dimensions, to have stories to share. To be associated with someone's memory. That's probably the best thing anyone could ask for, and it's very honourable.

So yes, while writing this I have made my decision. No one will know what's my decision, because no one would know what was the issue in the first place. Only a handful would, literally a handful.

This thing called time, it has a connection with destiny. &In time, I will know if I was ever destined for greatness. Because really, all this pain should be worth something, or else it really would be a painful life for me.
I'm gonna take each day as it comes. I just wanna smile when my time is up, to know, I lived a full life.
But I am still gonna fight till the end. cause that's the way I do things.
I'm not gonna live in hope, cause hoping for something is painful. I'm gonna leave things in the hands of time. Let's see what the future holds for me.

*cheers I'd drink to that*

Damp Tree Trunk

Weather's a peach today, being alone at home, while it's cold and damp outside. A bottle of cough syrup stares at me from atop the study. "I've drank enough, my pink friend. Enough, for today."

It seems like there's always a narrator in my head, yacking away while I silently walk through a maze of walls and buildings. I'm not quite lost, no no; I'm just simply stating the urban surroundings I am engulfed in. There are no flames today, however. Just a lot of water to flood the dry plains of late.

I'm quite exhausted by talking about my dreams and aspirations here. Cause when you look, there's dreams everywhere in here. It's like an abattoir, it's floors inked by blood, and it's rooms filled with the stench of proof. I'm not saying my dreams are like the animals slaughtered and dead, I'm just saying there's proof everywhere that I have dreams. Might have been a weird way to put my point across, but I just love the sadness my poignant writing can sometimes evoke.

But let's talk now about rainbows and butterflies, and the life many see as a stinking gutter. Cause we're surrounded by beauty, and the majestic creations of nature and man. Surrounded by smiles and passion, by love and beauty. Sometimes, it does make me wonder why people would want to take their own lives.

I wanna try to steer clear of dark entries for now. My mind definitely needs a rush of dopamine and endorphins. Maybe, I should try swimming with dolphins. Cause they're always smiling and happy. And they're joy makes me smile, and happy.

I have to remind myself to make an entry this 29th of February. Cause it's a leap year this year, and it comes once every 4 years. This day, for some reason, holds a real significance in me. It's like, I've always wanted to know someone who was born this day. It's a day that doesn't exist till 3 years after it does. It makes me so amazed.

Amazing, isn't it?

January Poetry

Looks like my Firefox is now good for only one thing: Coming to this site. Cause Chrome suck when it comes to editing my text.

The first month of the year is coming to an end. In a way, what a month it's been. Experienced a lot of joy, a lot of laughter, and of course, my fair share of pain as well.

It also sees an induction to my visitors' list. Smile, you know who you are. And I wouldn't be so crazy to have allowed you in without a reason.


Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I am, but I wanted you to see this side of me. The side, not many know about. Of course, we all have our own facades. Some can't even recognise which is real and which is not. This right here, is the real deal. It's me, and everything my heart wants to say. My mind just shuts off when I'm here.

I'm not gonna use this space here to talk to you, because I always believe what's said in person is far more valuable than what's said behind a screen. Because we are all animals, we all have feelings. And to see that look on someone's face when you tell 'em something, that's just priceless.

I'd love to know what's going through your mind right now while reading this. Cause essentially, that's what I've always been trying to do. I do not know whether I've been successful thus far, but I do know what's beating through that heart of yours.

Your heart, it's like a myriad of colours, a labyrinth of doors where a tiny little person runs riot, doing whatever she wants. And for most cases, it's your heart that rules you. You dislike thinking that's why you do as you please. Cause thinking gets you worried. And it gets you sick, and sad, and worried. It gets you irritated and frustrated, and you've got so much of frustration but you're so afraid to show it because you're so afraid to look silly.

You're amazing that way. You're eccentric, and you were surprised at how I was handling your eccentric side.
It hasn't changed. For me, it hasn't. I still feel the same way when you do things. I just giggle like that little boy, who's amazed at your artistry. And I won't change that, not for anything in the world. Cause you're beautiful that way. Yes it has caused me confusion, cause you can be like a sail in the sea, going where the wind blows. And right now, it's causing me a little pain. But it's nothing compared to what makes it wonderful: You.

I just want you to see, that things can work out. I just want that little girl in your heart to hear me, and feel my touch when I say we can work things out. Don't cover her ears, and let her off her leash. I feel her willingness to try, to go to that unknown door in your heart and brave what's behind it. Cause it'll only take a second for her to say,"at least we tried".

Brave the 7 seas with me, take my hand as we go through this unknown journey. I, will never leave you lost. I, will never leave you stranded. And in return, I only ask of you to give this an opportunity. Cause we said it on the last day of last year, that this year would be something special. I'm still holding on to that, plus the millions of memories we share.


While you sleep tonight, I wish to whisper to your heart. That I could have anyone right now, but the only one I wish to have, is you. And I wish to whisper into your ear. That you make me go crazy more than anyone else. And I wish to hold your hand, your soft soft hand, and place it on my cheek, whispering. I miss your touch.

you're so beautiful, so damn beautiful.

Torn Between Beliefs

"Maybe I'm too used to being in a solitary state. Maybe I'm not used to being around. Maybe."

It's perhaps, complex, when it comes to understanding my own feelings. This head seems to be able to delve into thoughts and ideas that may sometimes be seen and perceived as, bizzare. It's usually outta the box, when it comes to my thoughts. But sometimes, even for myself, it can be quite unusual.

I guess, this is the way I work. How things work for me. That, being simple is simply an illusion; A wish of sorts. A wish that I beg for at times, to come true. Because it's a tendency to just dive into details instead of looking just on the surface. And it's a deep sea I see, a myriad of details and emptiness and mystery. It's like diving into the unknown; You see so much you've never seen before, and you see so little of what you're familiar with.

It's like a new world for me every time. A new universe, that unravels. Like the great explorers unravelling a mummified corpse.

"My Dreams"

I've been encountering strange dreams of late. Of things I can't fathom, of things that are haunting. And strangely, some of it have religious connections and connotations attached to it.

I don't know. It might be a spiritual calling of sorts, but these callings are very strong. They are also very wrong; They're wrong in coming to me, because it's religion that I always try to steer clear of.

My deep belief is that religion is too commonly used as a reason, or to put it bluntly, an excuse, when things cannot be explained in a human way. Sometimes, it's reasons are really just staring right at you, but people misuse the perception that everything is "God's plan".

I just can't agree with that. Maybe I just don't want to, but I can't put myself to such a level where I'm waiting for a miracle to happen. Things happen because we make them happen. Everything emerges from something. Yes I have seen great things happen that even I can't explain, but I always feel that using the name of the Almighty must always be the last option, when all you can ever muster and come up with fails.

We have created this prophecy. The human race has created this world and the place we live in, but we do have things to be thankful for. Things that, we had no part to play in.

I don't know what my dreams are telling me. Maybe I don't want to submit to them. Maybe this is the live that I'd live. A life where, I'll always be torn between beliefs.

"If there was really a God, and if he really does plan everything, why then do we have heartbreaks and disasters; Kids with polio, innocent people suffering from poverty, floods and natural disasters destroying homes. Is it his decision to let people suffer while the rest have a beautiful life?"

"If there really wasn't a God, would places like the Andes and breathtaking Alaska exist? Would we, as humans, not have a spiritual side that we turn to at times?"

At least I still have my beliefs. I pity the poor souls who have none to live by.

Polar Black

Amaze; Utter amazement. Just looking back at my previous entries, and it feels like I'm plundering into a dark abyss.

Sadness, it's filled with so much darkness. So much so, it's scary just looking back and reading it. It feels surreal, indifferent.

I'm amazed, seriously amazed. To read back on how dark I made things look. It's scary, I know I said that already, but it's frightening.


It's poetry, it's just poetry.
And my life, it wouldn't be so poorly
Lit. Cause, in darkness and in light
I shall stand firm. I shall stand
Equally strong. And I shall
Stand still.

I will get out of this. I know I will. Cause now, I'm so scared I'm actually happy. Happy, to know that I can be happy. So I'll stop being delirious, or at least I'll try. But I'll be happy.

I'm getting there. I know I am.

*polar white polar polar white*

Mental Crucifiction

It seems as though my past demons have come knocking again. Horror flashbacks of events that has scarred me. Yes, scars they are. Cause these actions weren't just superficial wounds; they dug deep into my skin, beyond the flesh and bones, and into the entity that weighs 21 grams.

I'm not proud to go around telling people what I've gone through personally, cause, where do I start? And how do I end it? Will anyone ever hear me out? Would they understand it, understand my point of view and decisions? The decisions I've made, I feel, are for the better. For me, these were the best decisions.

However, memories do flood back in. Like I said, it comes like the Niagara, images flow through my mind with such force. It isn't easy stopping these memories, these gruesome images. If it was only a silent movie, because the audio that plays along just makes me cringe.

I do feel lost. At times I do feel strange. By myself, for so long it's been this way. I feel scared too. Scared, of feeling for something that might not be there. Scared, to lose again; to lose myself, and to lose something I cherish dearly.

Maybe I just want to remember it as a reminder, and not dwell on it as a miracle. Maybe, that was the day my life changed.

It's been going on for so long now. Things haven't really changed that much, only the people have. I have to still remember there's a life to live for, and I'm striving towards the life I want to create. It involved pro-creation, but it also involves unlocking myself to someone. To bare my soul, and telling her, to take it. To place my heart in someone's hand, them knowing that I am a clench away from ruins. To place great responsibility into their hands, telling them, I'm yours for the taking.

I have dreams, and those dreams involves greatness.

PS I'm sorry I've been away. Just know, I'll never leave this place.

Singular

The frequency of me being here is a warning sign.

Make no doubt about this; I am a lonely person. Alone, in a place of my own. I'm by myself mostly. And it's getting stale. This smell, the smell of me, is getting stale. I wanna smell something else. Someone else.

I'm getting sick about this. I'm getting sick at the thought of doing things by myself. The thought, of hearing my own voice most of the time.

It's a constant irritation. Look, I want to have someone else to share my stuff with. Cause all I've been doing is solving things by myself, and I am exhausted. I really am. It's so fucking annoying, and I'm running out of solutions.

I need someone. Don't be fooled, I do.

Fuck this.