Stick Vision

My head's filled. Honestly, as much as thoughts are just neurons in my head, it feels heavy. My head feels heavy. Weightless thoughts as a metaphor is really being put to the test here, or maybe it's just my thick hair-jungle. Whatever it may be, I just feel that my head's heavy, and that's that.

Nothing much has changed since the last time. Does accumulation count as change? I hope not, but it is just the accumulation of thoughts in my head. Heavy thoughts, heaving me to the ground. It is difficult fighting against these thoughts, but that's what experience do. It helps me better understand the magnitude of the situation and it helps me deal with it better. Right now I'm just trying my very best to make the best out of every situation, cause really, every situation isn't exactly kind. I just have a sneaky feeling though that it might just be me. Not all of it, some I cannot control.

I think I have this issue with me. That I tend to go into phases from time and time after every recovery. It feels like a relapse of my condition. And so far I've tried every way imaginable to minimise the likelihood of a relapse but it just keeps recurring.

It's my surroundings I believe, you are a product of your environment and I think right now I'm exactly that. I really cannot thrive in conditions as bare and polluted as this and as much as I know this is a recovery phase everyone's going through, I just think it's pulling me down deeper and deeper. I just can't proper myself around this. I just think it's killing me. I just can't think.

I feel so tangled and muddy. I feel murky. I feel so lifeless, I feel drained from everything. And I'm trying you can't say I'm not but I'm trying to make the best out of everything. I just think this has to end soon I just hope it does because I think I can't hold on for much longer especially not for this long.

I'm doing the best I can, to the best of my abilities to make sure I'm helping. But as I've mentioned, I cannot do this alone it's harming me. I'm losing all thoughts trying to make sense of this situation. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

I still harbour hope though.It's just so thin right now.



I have been longing for something. A book, one I saw when I was overseas. And ever since I finished reading the one I bought from there just a few days ago, I've been longing for that book I saw, craving for it actually. I think that it's an interesting one and I'm honestly getting all excited about it. It feels nice, to smell a new book and to flip through the crisp first pages. It gets me all excited and mint. So yes, I'm gonna get you soon. And I can't wait.


Things, I guess, will not return to the way they were when everything's settled. Well I'm glad it won't, cause things would be new. I just hope that when all the dust settles and we've cleared all the debris, what's left would be us. I sometimes have convulsions just thinking about the most saddest thing, and I pray that it will go away, everything. So that you can finally taste what it's like to see the light once more. I may be suffering within me, but I've not faltered. Oh no not yet. And trust me, the demon's turning green with envy going oh god dammit.

"My Piece"

I've got a man placed above me.
Stands there with a stick of sorts.
He's always looking in front, never looking at me.
Looking ahead, never once returning a glance back to me.

Of course he is after all statue-d.
I think he's just the best piece of anything
I have in my room.

And he's an aborigine.

I can't have enough of this.
And I can't give anything right now.
Cause I just feel, that it won't work out.

You're still beautiful, though. No you, not you. Yes, you. You.
You're fucking beautiful.