A Possibly Lethal Concoction Of Reality

I miss nights like these. Mellow music in the background, while I feel calm. The timing of the day would naturally bring me to a sleepy state, and while I'm forcing myself to stay awake, it gives me this high. 


Have you ever tried staying awake after drugging yourself with drowsy-causing medicine? It's almost the same feeling; The high I get from this is nearly the same as the medicinal effects of say, Paracetamol mixed with cough syrup and that tiny yellow flu tab. 


It's a culmination of all these factors combined, the high. And, I miss feeling like this. I've not felt it in such a long time, months, maybe as long as a year.




I sit back at times, usually when I'm taking a solo puff, and often wonder to myself, if this was the kind of life I thought I would have a few years back. Certainly, I knew as much back then as I do know now that this is certainly not the way I wanna live my life in a few years time. Yet, I wonder if this is the path I've been leading myself onto, and ultimately, living the life I never wanted.


I just can't see past this fog, and I've not been able to for a good few years now. Everything's so cloudy and gray, and I've been on this road for so many years now. Feels like it's becoming a habit, becoming second nature of sorts for me to not experience the life I have always wanted for myself. And that is what I am afraid of, it becoming "normal" to feel this fucked up.


Let's face it, this really has become a rut I've placed myself in. All my goals, all my aspirations, now it all just seems like meaningless words written for the sake of occupying the spaces on a paper. I have to stop kidding myself and telling myself that things will turn out good with time, cause I've been saying that for years now. Look where it's brought me to! That's right, nowhere. 


I'm running out of time. I'm no longer that young guy who had all the time in the world but who wasted it; I'm now the guy who doesn't have much time and who needs to savour and utilise every second I have. I'm not dying, although at times I really do wonder how that feels like. I'm just running out of time to save myself. To save me, before it's too late.


"Blue sky's turning gray, like my love.
How can you love someone, and not yourself?"


- Alter Bridge

My silhouette