Ravinder

Deep Red Roses

2012-02-14T00:07:00.003+08:00

Do you smell it? Just a whiff and you'll know, that it's the smell of cupid permeating the air.

I've written a lot about love, and what it means to me, and how I like to make it sound like art. Like the story I shared about Hermaphrodites. I am not a firm believer of Greek mythology, but that story simply blew me away.

Cause essentially, love is art to me. The passion and lust in it, the sweet nectar of someone, everything about it makes me crazy. Of course, it's never smooth. But it always is sweet. How two souls intertwine with one another, their lips touching, the warm, moist breath. There really isn't anything like it.

Of course, cliches fill the air too. I heard someone saying that it should be this day everyday when you have the right person. But really, all you should do is just enjoy this day quietly without any cliches. They made this day for a reason; To renew vows, to get closer together, to find the spark that could have been missing for a while now.

I enjoy this day because when I enjoy the special twinkle I see in the eyes. And how I love admiring the beautiful roses, and providing for the quiet, candle-light dinner.

It really is a beautiful day, one which I was really looking forward to this year.

I have a garden, of deep red roses.
Cause red is the colour of love. And I have a lot to give.
And deepness is the nature of love, cause that's how I feel.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Here's my rose to give; I only have one.

In The Hands Of Time

2012-02-12T18:55:00.004+08:00

I often marvel how, at times, time seem to prove me wrong. There have been so many instances where, often, not getting things my way have proved to be a real blessing.

And yes, I am talking about blessings here. Sometimes, I look past the fact that I am quite a blessed person. Not much seems to go the way I want it to, and most of the time it's, ironically, a good thing. Or maybe I tend to make it seem like a blessing; I am pretty good at that.

I've been pondering on a big issue in my head. It is really a big issue for me, because it means opening myself up to the critics and to people who just fill the gaps in my life socially. I have been thinking if it would be a wise decision to announce the holy grail O'mine on Facebook. Yes, I am talking about this space.

You see, I don't open up much to people. All they see is what I make them see, and I never try to get them to analyse me, probably because it isn't easy to do so. I tend to get scared when they get things right, and it's because I don't really want them to see this side of me. It makes me feel vulnerable. Kinda makes me intimidated by the amount of things they know about me. Yes, I am a very private person. Only those who are close to me know what's really going on with me, in my head. Even then, I still don't say much about my past because, I hate it.

I don't have a very colourful past. In fact, I'm probably ashamed of it. That is why I'm trying to do as much as possible, to fill my memories with colours and dimensions, to have stories to share. To be associated with someone's memory. That's probably the best thing anyone could ask for, and it's very honourable.

So yes, while writing this I have made my decision. No one will know what's my decision, because no one would know what was the issue in the first place. Only a handful would, literally a handful.

This thing called time, it has a connection with destiny. &In time, I will know if I was ever destined for greatness. Because really, all this pain should be worth something, or else it really would be a painful life for me.
I'm gonna take each day as it comes. I just wanna smile when my time is up, to know, I lived a full life.
But I am still gonna fight till the end. cause that's the way I do things.
I'm not gonna live in hope, cause hoping for something is painful. I'm gonna leave things in the hands of time. Let's see what the future holds for me.

*cheers I'd drink to that*

Damp Tree Trunk

2012-02-02T14:37:00.004+08:00

Weather's a peach today, being alone at home, while it's cold and damp outside. A bottle of cough syrup stares at me from atop the study. "I've drank enough, my pink friend. Enough, for today."

It seems like there's always a narrator in my head, yacking away while I silently walk through a maze of walls and buildings. I'm not quite lost, no no; I'm just simply stating the urban surroundings I am engulfed in. There are no flames today, however. Just a lot of water to flood the dry plains of late.

I'm quite exhausted by talking about my dreams and aspirations here. Cause when you look, there's dreams everywhere in here. It's like an abattoir, it's floors inked by blood, and it's rooms filled with the stench of proof. I'm not saying my dreams are like the animals slaughtered and dead, I'm just saying there's proof everywhere that I have dreams. Might have been a weird way to put my point across, but I just love the sadness my poignant writing can sometimes evoke.

But let's talk now about rainbows and butterflies, and the life many see as a stinking gutter. Cause we're surrounded by beauty, and the majestic creations of nature and man. Surrounded by smiles and passion, by love and beauty. Sometimes, it does make me wonder why people would want to take their own lives.

I wanna try to steer clear of dark entries for now. My mind definitely needs a rush of dopamine and endorphins. Maybe, I should try swimming with dolphins. Cause they're always smiling and happy. And they're joy makes me smile, and happy.

I have to remind myself to make an entry this 29th of February. Cause it's a leap year this year, and it comes once every 4 years. This day, for some reason, holds a real significance in me. It's like, I've always wanted to know someone who was born this day. It's a day that doesn't exist till 3 years after it does. It makes me so amazed.

Amazing, isn't it?

January Poetry

2012-01-31T23:02:00.003+08:00

Looks like my Firefox is now good for only one thing: Coming to this site. Cause Chrome suck when it comes to editing my text.

The first month of the year is coming to an end. In a way, what a month it's been. Experienced a lot of joy, a lot of laughter, and of course, my fair share of pain as well.

It also sees an induction to my visitors' list. Smile, you know who you are. And I wouldn't be so crazy to have allowed you in without a reason.

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I am, but I wanted you to see this side of me. The side, not many know about. Of course, we all have our own facades. Some can't even recognise which is real and which is not. This right here, is the real deal. It's me, and everything my heart wants to say. My mind just shuts off when I'm here.

I'm not gonna use this space here to talk to you, because I always believe what's said in person is far more valuable than what's said behind a screen. Because we are all animals, we all have feelings. And to see that look on someone's face when you tell 'em something, that's just priceless.

I'd love to know what's going through your mind right now while reading this. Cause essentially, that's what I've always been trying to do. I do not know whether I've been successful thus far, but I do know what's beating through that heart of yours.

Your heart, it's like a myriad of colours, a labyrinth of doors where a tiny little person runs riot, doing whatever she wants. And for most cases, it's your heart that rules you. You dislike thinking that's why you do as you please. Cause thinking gets you worried. And it gets you sick, and sad, and worried. It gets you irritated and frustrated, and you've got so much of frustration but you're so afraid to show it because you're so afraid to look silly.

You're amazing that way. You're eccentric, and you were surprised at how I was handling your eccentric side.
It hasn't changed. For me, it hasn't. I still feel the same way when you do things. I just giggle like that little boy, who's amazed at your artistry. And I won't change that, not for anything in the world. Cause you're beautiful that way. Yes it has caused me confusion, cause you can be like a sail in the sea, going where the wind blows. And right now, it's causing me a little pain. But it's nothing compared to what makes it wonderful: You.

I just want you to see, that things can work out. I just want that little girl in your heart to hear me, and feel my touch when I say we can work things out. Don't cover her ears, and let her off her leash. I feel her willingness to try, to go to that unknown door in your heart and brave what's behind it. Cause it'll only take a second for her to say,"at least we tried".

Brave the 7 seas with me, take my hand as we go through this unknown journey. I, will never leave you lost. I, will never leave you stranded. And in return, I only ask of you to give this an opportunity. Cause we said it on the last day of last year, that this year would be something special. I'm still holding on to that, plus the millions of memories we share.

While you sleep tonight, I wish to whisper to your heart. That I could have anyone right now, but the only one I wish to have, is you. And I wish to whisper into your ear. That you make me go crazy more than anyone else. And I wish to hold your hand, your soft soft hand, and place it on my cheek, whispering. I miss your touch.

you're so beautiful, so damn beautiful.

Torn Between Beliefs

2012-01-02T18:21:00.005+08:00

"Maybe I'm too used to being in a solitary state. Maybe I'm not used to being around. Maybe."

It's perhaps, complex, when it comes to understanding my own feelings. This head seems to be able to delve into thoughts and ideas that may sometimes be seen and perceived as, bizzare. It's usually outta the box, when it comes to my thoughts. But sometimes, even for myself, it can be quite unusual.

I guess, this is the way I work. How things work for me. That, being simple is simply an illusion; A wish of sorts. A wish that I beg for at times, to come true. Because it's a tendency to just dive into details instead of looking just on the surface. And it's a deep sea I see, a myriad of details and emptiness and mystery. It's like diving into the unknown; You see so much you've never seen before, and you see so little of what you're familiar with.

It's like a new world for me every time. A new universe, that unravels. Like the great explorers unravelling a mummified corpse.

"My Dreams"

I've been encountering strange dreams of late. Of things I can't fathom, of things that are haunting. And strangely, some of it have religious connections and connotations attached to it.

I don't know. It might be a spiritual calling of sorts, but these callings are very strong. They are also very wrong; They're wrong in coming to me, because it's religion that I always try to steer clear of.

My deep belief is that religion is too commonly used as a reason, or to put it bluntly, an excuse, when things cannot be explained in a human way. Sometimes, it's reasons are really just staring right at you, but people misuse the perception that everything is "God's plan".

I just can't agree with that. Maybe I just don't want to, but I can't put myself to such a level where I'm waiting for a miracle to happen. Things happen because we make them happen. Everything emerges from something. Yes I have seen great things happen that even I can't explain, but I always feel that using the name of the Almighty must always be the last option, when all you can ever muster and come up with fails.

We have created this prophecy. The human race has created this world and the place we live in, but we do have things to be thankful for. Things that, we had no part to play in.

I don't know what my dreams are telling me. Maybe I don't want to submit to them. Maybe this is the live that I'd live. A life where, I'll always be torn between beliefs.

"If there was really a God, and if he really does plan everything, why then do we have heartbreaks and disasters; Kids with polio, innocent people suffering from poverty, floods and natural disasters destroying homes. Is it his decision to let people suffer while the rest have a beautiful life?"

"If there really wasn't a God, would places like the Andes and breathtaking Alaska exist? Would we, as humans, not have a spiritual side that we turn to at times?"

At least I still have my beliefs. I pity the poor souls who have none to live by.

Polar Black

2011-12-06T21:29:00.003+08:00

Amaze; Utter amazement. Just looking back at my previous entries, and it feels like I'm plundering into a dark abyss.

Sadness, it's filled with so much darkness. So much so, it's scary just looking back and reading it. It feels surreal, indifferent.

I'm amazed, seriously amazed. To read back on how dark I made things look. It's scary, I know I said that already, but it's frightening.

It's poetry, it's just poetry.
And my life, it wouldn't be so poorly
Lit. Cause, in darkness and in light
I shall stand firm. I shall stand
Equally strong. And I shall
Stand still.

I will get out of this. I know I will. Cause now, I'm so scared I'm actually happy. Happy, to know that I can be happy. So I'll stop being delirious, or at least I'll try. But I'll be happy.

I'm getting there. I know I am.

*polar white polar polar white*

Mental Crucifiction

2011-12-05T23:07:00.008+08:00

It seems as though my past demons have come knocking again. Horror flashbacks of events that has scarred me. Yes, scars they are. Cause these actions weren't just superficial wounds; they dug deep into my skin, beyond the flesh and bones, and into the entity that weighs 21 grams.

I'm not proud to go around telling people what I've gone through personally, cause, where do I start? And how do I end it? Will anyone ever hear me out? Would they understand it, understand my point of view and decisions? The decisions I've made, I feel, are for the better. For me, these were the best decisions.

However, memories do flood back in. Like I said, it comes like the Niagara, images flow through my mind with such force. It isn't easy stopping these memories, these gruesome images. If it was only a silent movie, because the audio that plays along just makes me cringe.

I do feel lost. At times I do feel strange. By myself, for so long it's been this way. I feel scared too. Scared, of feeling for something that might not be there. Scared, to lose again; to lose myself, and to lose something I cherish dearly.

Maybe I just want to remember it as a reminder, and not dwell on it as a miracle. Maybe, that was the day my life changed.

It's been going on for so long now. Things haven't really changed that much, only the people have. I have to still remember there's a life to live for, and I'm striving towards the life I want to create. It involved pro-creation, but it also involves unlocking myself to someone. To bare my soul, and telling her, to take it. To place my heart in someone's hand, them knowing that I am a clench away from ruins. To place great responsibility into their hands, telling them, I'm yours for the taking.

I have dreams, and those dreams involves greatness.

PS I'm sorry I've been away. Just know, I'll never leave this place.

Singular

2011-10-20T23:28:00.003+08:00

The frequency of me being here is a warning sign.

Make no doubt about this; I am a lonely person. Alone, in a place of my own. I'm by myself mostly. And it's getting stale. This smell, the smell of me, is getting stale. I wanna smell something else. Someone else.

I'm getting sick about this. I'm getting sick at the thought of doing things by myself. The thought, of hearing my own voice most of the time.

It's a constant irritation. Look, I want to have someone else to share my stuff with. Cause all I've been doing is solving things by myself, and I am exhausted. I really am. It's so fucking annoying, and I'm running out of solutions.

I need someone. Don't be fooled, I do.

Fuck this.

2011-10-19T22:44:00.002+08:00

It's still eating me, gnawing within me. Yet, the world doesn't stop.

I am not intoxicated, not yet. It feels depressing though.

My honest opinion? There's really not much left here. Except for the people who have impacted my life in one way or another, there really isn't much here.

I might be gone. Away from here. To someplace else. Where life starts all over. I might.

I bury my face in my palms. My head hangs low. Lips, bitten. My eyes, they tell the real story. But so far, no one wants to know.

What does it mean to me, perfection?
To be happy.
Right now, I'm not.

I am 23 years old...

or 276 months old
or 1,200 weeks old
or 8,403 days old

& Just for one day, I'd like to be perfect. To have all the things I want in life. To achieve all parts of my happiness. Let me just, for once, taste this invisible entity, which is only interpreted through facial expressions and a healthy heart.

Too much to ask? Fuck you.

Black Window

2011-10-19T01:55:00.004+08:00

There's more to life than this. There's more to it.

But why isn't it showing yet? Am I being too impatient? Am I being too optimistic? Or, am I being too ignorant to see what's on my plate?

I highly doubt so. A "no" to all those questions above. Cause it's really been so long. So, so long. I really don't know how much longer I'll have to wait.

It's killing me within, it really is. And it's killing me softly. Amidst all the noise and chaos the screaming in me can't be heard. Even I can't hear me screaming. But I can certainly feel it. And it's gnawing at the bones, within the marrow it's piercing these calcium-made hardness. This solid structure is slowly decaying, and all that would be left is just this muscle, this pump of life. It'll continue pumping till the muscles slowly deteriorate. Till the vultures dig into the gaping holes.

The vultures are hovering over me. It feels that way. They're just waiting, their preying eyes watching me crumble.

I'm crumbling. Crumbling, at the thought of never seeing what I want. Crumbling, at the sight of seeing what's on my plate. Cause there's nothing. Clean. Not even crumbs.

There was never anything to begin with.

Fuck you and fuck you and fuck all this and fuck the world

2011-10-13T03:33:00.006+08:00

You don't know shit. Nothing. No-motherfucking-thing.

I'm drowning myself in fury, pretending all's cool when the fact it all is torn in me and all is dying in me. But what the fuck do you know. All you know is, I'm happy. I'm this happy feet motherfucker where all's about love and understanding and calmness. Well fuck you, and fuck you. Just fuck you.

Only Human

2011-10-08T02:10:00.002+08:00

The night fills my place, it's cold nature and dark lighting making it ideally cosy. Sounds of laughter pierce through the silence, like a hot needle through water. Glowing red, glowing no more. It's shiny exterior lighting the translucent liquid.

Pure, oh pure. Purity and steel. Extinguish the fire, douse the flames of my heart. It's heat warming me through the intensity of this cold.

Throughout the evening it pours. Of vapour and mist. It's heat, the heat from me.
I'm not letting this fire go out. I'm not giving up on this. Cause my cold, cold heart has been reignited by your presence in my life. Now it's only your touch that will keep me sane.

I miss you, I miss you. I wish tonight, I could kiss you. I've made my wish, I've made up my mind. It's you that I want, it's only you who I'll be with in light. In darkness. And, in life.

The Mental Block

2011-10-05T01:45:00.003+08:00

Pierce through me now, for I shall feel no pain. I shall shed no tear. Cause I have none to feel, none to give.

Numb. That's how I feel right now. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't feel anything. I can't do anything right.

I can't eat. imissyou.
I can't sleep. imissyou.
I can't breathe. imissyou.

I'm nothing. Nothing, without you.

imgoingcrazy

Debauchery

2011-10-05T01:40:00.003+08:00

It feels like a big joke is being pulled on me.

All these years, years where my unwavering optimism has been the one key feature people see in me, I've realised it's all a joke. A big fat painful joke. A joke life is pulling off, me being the butt of it.

I have got no faith in anything. There is no fate. No such thing as destiny. Because if there is, I would be smiling. By now, after all that I've been through, I would be finally smiling, with full sincerity.

Fuck you. Just fuck you. You've made me cry more than I could ever imagine, tormented worst than a rape victim. Yes, I'm looking above, at you. To tell you. Fuck you.

Superstitions

2011-09-30T23:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I really do wonder if things really are the result of my own actions. Yes, I am someone who blames myself easily because I always feel there's more to what I can do and achieve.

But, is this pain in the head the cause of my own actions? The one where I've built these brick walls around me.

I can't really blame myself, because I learn from my own experiences, so do most of us. And a lot of these walls hold the blood I've shed. The one I've given throughout my whole journey with certain people.

Yes, it still haunts me. A lot of things do, and it's not easy to hold back when it comes gushing down like the Niagara. It's really an unstoppable task.

These walls, these fucking walls, have given me a lot of security and warmth. It has, also, blocked out a lot of good I could have received if I was smart enough.

I'm torn in between right now. Answers, I can't seem to get any. Excuses, I don't have the will to explain it no longer. For now, I'm really caught between posts.

Try stopping the Niagara. Just try.

Prodigal's Son

2011-09-27T02:02:00.003+08:00

It really seems as though happiness, isn't really my cup of tea. Wait, before you go all judgmental on my claim, please, allow me to explain it.

It seems as though the happiness I've been experiencing is one of a superficial kind. It's filled with joy and glee I receive while I'm in the moment. It is, in simple terms, non-lasting.

It's not something I particularly enjoy, especially when I have to deal with the annoying hangover and partially deaf ears. And I feel that I do better when I'm mellow and, sorta artistically depressed. Because that's when I get motivated and I get to see the world in a better light, albeit it might be a little emo-ish in some peoples' eyes.

I'm looking for happiness. I still am, and I won't stop. I'm looking for the everlasting kind. The kind that will not make me feel like shit the next day.

I won't stop looking for it. I won't stop wanting it.

Prodigal

2011-09-27T01:52:00.002+08:00

"Run away, run away, run, like a prodigal." - OneRepublic

Mistakes. Many, so many of them. Worst of all, same mistakes being repeated.

But how? How do you not do it? How do you not allow people into your life?

How can I do it? How can I not allow people to be in my life? It seems like an almost impossible task. And I don't want to sit here one day knowing I've done it successfully, because it will probably be the day where all's lost. The day, when all of my hopes are gone.

It'll be a tragic day. A day where my sun rises from the west and sets in the east. The day where, ice cold winters and droughts would cover the Earth. Tsunamis' rise, it'll wipe the whole my world apart.

And the sad part, life still goes on. The real world, the one which I apparently do not live in, would still revolve around the invisible axis. The earth will still spin, bees will still sting people and go hunting for nectar, while pollinating beautiful flowers, lions will still remain as the lazy fuckers that they are. Life, still goes on. It's sad, but it's a fact.

When I die, I want the world to die with me. It's selfish, but at least, I'm not alone. Justifiable?

Jellyfish

2011-09-24T00:30:00.003+08:00

I'm scared. This fear, it's just paralysing me.

I'm fighting, so hard. Fighting, so much, to push this away.

Maybe I should face it.

I think I am facing it. I'm trying so many ways to get out of this. All this quietness, it's just ripping me to shreds. Cause I need answers. I need them.

This fear, it feels like a jellyfish sting. It burns at first, and then, the venom seeps into your bloodstream, travelling through your body. Slowly, paralysing you. Till you're floating like a dead fish.

Breakfast @ 1317

2011-09-19T13:09:00.003+08:00

"Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry." - Radiohead

Another good book title? Yes, I can come up with a few, and honestly, thank goodness it sounds better than most Asian authors. At least to me it does.

It's the same with band names. You take Asian band names and compare it to their westers counterparts; It's nowhere as creative and unique-sounding as non-asian bands.

We're too limited in our thinking. I mean, maybe our physical movement can be limited, but it's happening mentally as well. I just don't enjoy knowing that as a fact. And yes, I'm talking about the country I hail from.

It's mediocre. The way we're brought up. At the end of the day, this country wasn't build for us. It never was. Industrialisation back in the 60s of the 20th century was done to exhibit how good an investment it would be for foreign firms to set up their businesses here. It started all the back in the 60s, progressed "humbly" to the 80s and 90s where the big boom of foreign firms came into play.

Nothing has changed. Now, they've got the developed Sentosa, the resorts, the events. All to cater, and attract foreigners. The locals hardly go to places like these. It's like, they're telling us in a subtle way that Western is the way to go, it's always the way to go, and Westerners are the ones we should strive to be.

It's not that I disagree. In fact, I agree wholeheartedly, to a certain extent. I tend to look up to the western philosophy a lot more than the Asian ones. I feel that I fit in there more. And I can totally adapt to the lifestyle, because it is a life. It's not all about slugging it out everyday and night to make ends meet, which is the Asian way. And us Asians think it's being lazy not to. Wrong. It's living life, cause life ain't all about work and no play. For me it isn't.

This life we're living, it's only limiting us. Cause the mind is such a beautiful thing; It can give you freedom, without any social stigmas, without any regimental restrictions.

"The guy next to you might be smiling, but for all you know, he's telling you to fuck off." - The Beautiful Mind, having breakfast, @ 1317.

Dunked In

2011-09-16T21:10:00.005+08:00

"The sky was bruised, the wine was bled." - Audioslave

It's been a while since I've been here, pouring my soul out into these blank pages. Reason? As always, there's one. And this time, it's because I've been suppressing my feelings all this while.

I've been constantly forcing myself to not stoop low again, because it's really enough. I've had enough of long dark night and cold shivering loneliness. But it's unavoidable; I am someone who's very in touch with my feelings, and as much as I try to mask it, the mask peels away eventually, revealing who I really am.

I have been troubled recently. Seems like, happiness is like a drug that lasts only as long as it does. And when it's effects, beautiful superficial effects, have worn off, I'm this tainted slate again, with mould and patches all over. Still, it happens. The happiness I'm chasing is a lifestyle I wanna live by, and this lifestyle seems far away, as it always have been.

Still, I'll reach it. I know I would. And I have to stop the habit of blowing things out of proportion. Sometimes, things really are as simple as it looks; I'm just too skeptical to believe so. Idiot.

So, I have been talking to someone recently. It might probably be nothing. I guess it always has been. What's new? It's the same, broken record player all over again. I'm not getting my hopes high, and I'm forcing myself not to set expectations, cause invariably it has always let me to the big D. Disappointment.

Still, the writing is on the wall. But I can't allow this to influence me. It's good companionship, and it's good, err, good. She's pretty, sweet, patient with my silly antics, and one with a good heart. But they all have been, or so I thought. And all they did, was tear my heart apart. Like it was a fuckin' piece of paper.

If you're reading this, remember, we all make mistakes. What's most important is to realise them, and to be sure we don't make 'em again. Easier said, but it's doable.

My mistake? I allow people to use me, and then refuse me. But, it's me. And it ain't gonna change that much.

Nothing's certain in life. cause when it is, it only leads to complacency

Apparently my favourite line these days.

Mr. Envy Green

2011-09-05T01:06:00.004+08:00

I just need someone to talk to. Cause my mind's filled with so much.

It was nice to have her for those few nights, a long time ago. Cause she just sits and listens to me, giggling, and smiling shyly to everything little thing I had to say, silly or not. And it felt like home. Like how I want it to be. Of course, she was always entitled to opinions. She never used that entitlement though, she didn't see a need to. She preferred listening to the blabbering I spewed out.

I could really use a drink now. Just a nice slow one. A nice crisp gold. With the ice clinging the glass whenever I reach out and bring it closer. When you see it twirl with every circular motion you make it makes you feel at ease, like a whirlpool, sucking everything within it's reach, into the lower abyss.

I'm Mr. Green, and I need someone to talk to. As always, I do.

Soviet Cars

2011-08-31T02:55:00.003+08:00

When I was a little kid, confined behind 4 walls after a certain time during the night, I could only use my imagination to fill the void my eyes held. And noises were my primary ink I used to paint images in my head. When I was the only one awake, sudden sweeping noises or screeches would cause me to jostle in me bed, often making me curious, as to what were the causes of these noise. And I would wake up in the morning, asking my mom what those noises were. Of course, mom wouldn't know because she's fast asleep after a long day of earning bread and making a home. She would often tell me about monsters, or boogie men, roaming the streets late at night, depicting the dangers of staying out late at night. And of course, I would be frightened and my perception of the night was of dangers lurking around, capturing those who missed their bedtime.

When I grew up, I spent more time living outside my warm nest during the night. Mom's stories weren't right at all. There were no monsters, or boogie men, none at all. There were noises made by rustling leaves and footwear people wore, people like me who stayed out at night. She was though, right, about the evil lurking outside.

This evil, sadly, doesn't come in the form of scary cartoon villains. This evil is people.

It's sad, because all I ever thought was that people were kind, loving, warm and comforting, like mom's cradling arms. I was wrong, because the streets was filled with people that had monsters in them. So deceiving.

Smoke Bellowing Machine

2011-08-15T01:08:00.002+08:00

I'm going through a transition now. Right now, I kinda feel like I know what I want to do, and how I'd wanna live my life. It's krazy, really, the amount of stress I'm putting myself through. But it's the adrenaline I seek, and right now, I'm oozing high octane adrenaline.

I'm oozing high octane adrenaline. Kkrazy.

Jade

2011-07-24T19:26:00.004+08:00

I'm pretty close to tears now. Actually, consider it reached. I, am truly broken. I, really wish this is just a really bad dream I'm in right now.

It really is quite painful, waking up in the morning and having your heart crushed by the overwhelming truth that you're no more around. I have never met you, yet you have touched me in ways I can only feel. Spoken words have no space for this, for the emptiness between lines are actually feelings filling it.

You weren't a troubled soul; People troubled you.
You lived your life the way you wanted;

Amy, you really were a true talent. One of a kind. There won't be another you.

The Dramatisation Of An Infatuation

2011-07-23T22:21:00.002+08:00

I can't seem to put a finger on how I'm feelin' within me right now. It's quite mixed up inside.

Honestly, it really has been a while since I've held the hands of the opposite gender who I hardly know at all. And all of it was so comfortable.

Me being myself, I just couldn't get out of my head the idea that you were just sitting there all by yourself. I mean, I couldn't comprehend that, not when you consider the nature of the place we were in. And I, naturally being the guy who wants to save all, had to approach you.

I kinda liked the fact that you were cool about it. And I kept my word, which was, my friends and I were gonna take care of you. I personally wouldn't have allowed anything happening to you.

You cool, suave. And you were very welcoming to my idea of joining us since your group of friends were nowhere to be seen. I made it a point to illustrate to you that friends just don't leave their own behind. And paint a vivid picture I did, despite the poor lighting in the area.

You should have seen me after you left. It kinda felt like my heart was ripped out. Now I understand the abrasion on my knuckles. I couldn't help but to intoxicate myself even more.

I don't quite understand it. And I do know, things won't workout for me. Still, I don't want to leave this out of my life where it comes to a point when I lose all ways of communicating. I think I felt this because, it's been so long since I've held hands other than my own. And that, it all had to end. It felt sick.

Then again, when you left I saw a pair of eyes smiling at me. It took me a while to register, but yes, she was smiling at me. I looked, once, then again. I had a third glance, a shot in hand, and said,"Cheers, darling". And she disappeared into the night, never seeing her again.

Awaken From Slumber

2011-07-20T00:55:00.003+08:00

"Nothing is lost, it's just frozen in frost." - Damien Rice

To die, is to live. When you learn to die, you learn to live. A phrase from Mitch Albom's mentor, Morrie Schwartz. A man with fantastic courage, and someone who left a legacy behind, as he departed this world.

Death, is only the start, in my opinion. Being a believer in the world after living in the human mantle, I personally feel that way.

To look death in the eye, directly in front of me, I could very well say that I shouldn't be here. To have stared at it, I saw and felt nothing. Maybe yes, the words "fuckin' shit" might have exited my mouth. It really was a natural reaction. But I didn't see my life flash by. I didn't feel anything, except for a sense of necessity in salvaging my situation.

I can very well say that yes, I was there. I'm a skeptic, and maybe it was just a really bad thing that was gonna happen, which wouldn't result in me departing. However, I can't be certain of it, now can I? I certainly am not amplifying the situation, but I feel that I could have not been here today.

I looked at death. It was about to take me, but by some crazy miracle, and really good brakes, I managed to escape it.

Maybe it was supposed to be this way, for me to have a real scare. Maybe it was supposed to be this way, just a scare. But it doesn't hide the fact that, if there was contact, I'd definitely would have looked much slimmer, much disfigured, in my hospital bed, or coffin.

I dunno what to make of it. All I know is, I want to use this as a reminder that we don't really have a lot of time. And that, life really is this fragile. And that, death comes, without warning. Maybe wasps of hints would have triggered the intuitive emotions some people have. But it comes as swiftly. And it doesn't give you a heads up.

If I could decide what my tomb would write, I want it to say,"A man who lived fully, lived happily, who lived life. That's how I want to be remembered.

Coin

2011-07-17T23:57:00.004+08:00

The world. What is it actually? A place filled with people and natural wonders? Yes, yes it is. A place filled with miracles and science-fiction? Absolutely. There is no denying the beauty it holds here.

The world? What is it actually? A wretched place stinking with the foul odour of murder? Yes, yes it is. A place, filled with words of deceit, and heartache? Absolutely. There's no denying the brutality here.

When you open your head and look into it, the amount of ideas and knowledge it reflects is as limited as the people and places you've known and been to. And not to forget, the experiences you've gone through as an individual.

You begin to wonder though, how much do you want out of life? How much knowledge do you wanna obtain, and how much do you wanna put yourself through, to know and feel as much as possible?

The best remedy for this, is to remind oneself, that it doesn't matter where you're from; It's where you're going.

The world isn't as beautiful as it looks. Because people are savages.

I, live in an empty space.
I, ain't ever lookin' back.

Battle Pills

2011-07-07T21:02:00.004+08:00

It really is kinda hard to swallow. I'm smashed, really. But I'm leading by example, too. And that, I can't show it, me being smashed. Because the one who's actually leader by default isn't putting up a proper act, and I'm supposed to show how it's properly done.

Smashed, fuckin' shattered. To be in the right all along, only for me to pull out because it's financially advisable to. And as much as I can mask this with really good comebacks, the reality of it is, I've lost. I've lost, even though I was right all along.

This place, as much as we show how civilised we've become, at the end of it, we're all savages. Yet, the reality of it is, not everyone succumbs to it. I, personally, try my best not to. I always feel that it takes courage to put up your hands and say Hey, my bad. And, it makes me feel silly cause, I've been this way most of the time yet, this demeanor O'mine really has made me look like a fool.

It's a question of endurance, and how long can I actually keep this up. But in actual fact, it really isn't me putting up an act because, this is me. This is who I am.

I don't quite know how to take this. What I know though, is that this is a learning point for me. And, as bitter as a battle pill it is to swallow, the fact is that we don't always win, no matter how innocent and truthful.

I just hate losing. Let's just forget about it.

You motherfucker.

"Naive"

It's about time, I realise the world ain't all about
Chirping birds and floating butterflies.
It's about time, I put myself first ahead of others.
Cause when I'm in pain, it's only because of my actions.
And I only have myself; It's not easy to face myself in
Times like these.

Dreaming Of Mountains

2011-06-28T22:49:00.002+08:00

It is incredibly weird right now. I've got this song that has been ringing in my head for a while now. There's just something about this tune that gets me warm and a little damp, on top, of course. It could be all the yawning I've been doing. Yeah, it's the yawning.

Rise up goose-pimples. The heart sinks in whenever this tune hits hammer on head. Spot on. A sudden fuzziness washes me within, drowning me in calmness. The tragedy is only what it sounds like, nothing more. A tragedy it actually is, a tragedy befallen amongst the rustic ruins of yesteryear's fallen smiles. &Of fallen smiles, therein lies the truth, hidden beneath all this distractions. The truth, of Jack's and Rose's tale, not a fairy one but one of tragic mishaps and gut wrenching moments.

Jack, reach out.
Rose, wither.
Ballad, of Jack, and Rose.

A ballad is actually is, nothing less. Drive a dagger into your heart, cause at times it feels we all have none. Mine, my heart, it certainly is oozing. Cause pierced it has been, but only by myself. The silliness of giving it all when nothing existed has caused multiple wounds in every chamber. Right now, it feels I have none. Cause I have none, to give. Cause I don't want, to give. Cause I don't believe. Cause I've had, enough.

May this be the place where a solemn swear is taken, words being both my proof and witness. I'm dreaming, of lush greens and wet fields. Let it fall, let it be. I'd rather be there, than where I am right now.

I dream of mountains everytime I close my eyes. It takes me away, to a place I've never been to, to a place I wanna be at.

I'm secretly afraid for my future.

Old Ruins

2011-06-27T21:16:00.002+08:00

There are a couple of things missing now, from the usual tools I have beside me when I am writing here. It kinda makes this whole process more streamline, and sometimes, blabber-y.

And my attempt to give it an exact month before I finally post something here has been fruitless. Blame it on my eagerness to contribute my ever wandering, literature-ish, sometimes dark, thoughts. I do know the rules here; Never work when you're desperate. I never do that here. I can't afford to.

So, even without my glass of bright gold intoxication, and my stick of Nic, I shall still make my way into the abyss. Here, that is.

Stories of more heartaches, and chilling cold nights by the ledge would really kick things off. But I ain't suicidal, and I ain't nostalgic. Life goes on no matter how shitty things get. That's the kinda attitude I'm trying to project out of myself. It really is the best in my interest, because my heart cannot only take so much, and there isn't any point crying over things that are out of my control.

I'm not challenging fate, but I'm in my "just-throw-whatever-you-want-and-I'll-deal-with-it" zone. Cause really, I think moaning about my own luck and envying the luck of others brings me absolutely nowhere. And it really does irritate the life out of me to do that. Cause, not everyone has it easy, no one has it the same way. But eventually, I will get there.

I think I've stumped myself on the last para over yonder. Stumped, I have kinda ran out of thoughts. I think it's quite a disappointment.

All of everything ends eventually. Fuck.

The Some of All Times

2011-06-05T20:54:00.006+08:00

"Sometimes it lasts in l**e, sometimes it hurts instead." - Adele

Insecurities; We all have 'em. I bet ya no one in this world, no matter how successful they are, don't have 'em. And I think it makes us human. It certainly is what I would say to myself, my self-coaxing ways to sedate the pounding life-pump.

Certainly, I have a list of 'em. Just looking at the top line would tell ya something.

I do, during certain time frames of my day, just stand, smoke bellowing, just thinking, about what my future holds. To be frank, I don't quite know what it holds. I've reached a stage in my life where, I make the decisions. For prolly the first time in my life, I have absolute control on where I turn up.

I do know what kinda of life I'd wanna live, and I have had a taste of it recently. It was like nectar, so sweet of plant-produce. It felt like the stranglehold around my neck was lifted, and I, for once, could breathe. Enjoyed I did, every single second of it that I could afford a good rest knowing that I'm not running against time, needing to savour all of it while it lasts, cause it created a sense of peace in me to, let go, of sorts, of this obsession. It was probably one of the best weekends of my life, I kid you not.

I'm just afraid, that I won't ever get a taste of this ever again, that I would make a bad decision which would stick with me my entire life. I do feel this doubt in me, but, looking at how my life has turned out so far, it reminds me subtly that, I have the ability to work things out, and that I do have potential. I just hope this fighting spirit, to strive for better things wouldn't die off like a flame, the wind of disbelief being my nemesis. Cause I belief, I know I do, that I would make it out better. I just hope it turns out that way.

Brilliant. I came here to speak about something else, but looks like my ever-wandering thoughts took charge, again.

The recent sudden-urges that have been taking over me has been quite difficult to handle, in all honesty. Cause I felt like a sail, being pushed in whatever direction the wind was blowing from. It honestly was crazy I tell ya, but it really did surface to me that, it's one big aspect of me. And when I do look back, evidence does suggest this theory.

I wanna work towards fulfilling this freedom in me. It's still work in progress, but with a little hard work, and help from unforeseeable forces, hopefully I'd get there. Hopefully.

"Sometimes it lasts in *ov*, sometimes it hurts instead." - Adele

Stench

2011-05-30T02:01:00.003+08:00

I, can't quite fill this space right now. For a reason, this few days has been unexplainable. The things I've been doing, the way it's being done, the way I conduct myself.

I still am baffled as to how easily I learn new things about myself. In dire situations I tend to have a mirror constantly in front of me. Maybe I'm just frgettin' the things' I've learnt about myself, maybe I'm just developing more dimensions in me. I just think, this is me. And I'm learning more and more about myself.

This memory thing is killin' me. Cause it keeps failing me when I need it most. It makes me feel hopeless, disgusted, and easily manipulated.

And my eyes really have been open; There are scums on Earth who would do anything to make you doubt yourself, to get their desired outcome. I just think it's disgusting, as much as it is a fact of life. And to have trust in oneself is essential, yet it can look bad.

Poisoned thoughts; Dig a grave.

I don't know. This whole place is screwed up. This whole fuckin' world's a mess. This town's a dirty back-alley shithole. I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't have anyone but myself. I can't lose this, I can't afford to lose it.

Cause I'll be left with nothing. And a man with nothing is no man at all.

Evaporate Sun

2011-05-17T18:50:00.005+08:00

I, am the consequence of my own actions. I, create this person through the consequences of my own actions.

It's sometimes a blessing, I feel, when you can be told of your mistakes. And not just told, but to have it pointed out to you. It truly is a blessed thing to have.

I, for one, am not that very blessed in that aspect. Often, I learn of my mistakes through bitterness of relationships. It's the "point of no return" kinda bitterness.

To say that I am oblivious to these "mistakes" I make isn't fair. The understanding I have in me knows it's impossible to be honest about everything. After all, even censorship does exists in the highest form of human bonding.

I've always faced this issue. My moral dilemma, so to speak. Of course, I am quite intuitive, yet this intuition is always greeted with insanity. More of, me declaring myself insane. The naivety I have can be quite astonishing. You'd figure, after going through situations so frequently I should be able to pick out signs of distress easily. I do, yet, this experience in me doesn't help ebb away the brutal naivety I have. It's like, this naivety is locked up in a box in me, and while this box is in contact with my mind, it can only transmit and not receive. It can only produce, and not degenerate.

It's a big part of me, this what I'm facing. And I'm at times envious of the fortunate ones who gets their mistakes told to them. I wished I at times had that opportunity, to be told off and explain my actions. Unfortunately I'm not, as lucky. I'm not moaning my luck, cause it's just the way things are with and around me.

Maybe I chose this. This, hard way of living. You are the consequence of your own actions. You create that person through the consequences of your own actions.

The Purplish Type

2011-05-07T03:09:00.000+08:00

The unmovable objects; Subjects of lust, desire. Hunger.

The anger within builds. Laughter, not like what it used to be, both in quantity and in sublimity.

To tell, say, that the topic of discussion is not up for debate, is basically tying your hands so tightly it winds up around your neck to turn you blue. Blue, as in the colour of death; The purplish type.

What do you know, what I'm going through. Cause I'm putting myself through a lot of trouble, unnecessary, in the eyes of some. The dangers of my life have no boundaries. Yet, I think it is the way I want to live, to a certain extent, of course. I cannot inhibit the ideas in me which are bursting at the seams of my skull. I cannot hide the true thoughts I have in me. Cause these voices, they've always been around. Lurking, in every dark nook and cramped cranny.

The end, is near. A new beginning awaits. A one where, hopefully, isn't the colour of death; The purplish type.

Q of C

2011-04-25T22:27:00.003+08:00

Once more. I'm here, once more. This time, with different amour. The U260 is honestly what I look for in a portable; Slim, light, sleek. Just amazing.

Correcting myself if I'm wrong, but the last week felt like new things were all on the way. This sense of excitement seemed quite difficult to cope with. It's been a long time since I've been this excited. A long, long time. It's overdue, I'd say. Yet, it still lingers.

Signs, oh signs. Stop it I don't wanna look too much into this, but it's really, and literally like a breath of fresh air. Never knew oxygen smelt this good. Of course, a mixture of it. Nicotine helps.

So words have been filling me lately, as always. And this recollection of past tunes I used to listen to very frequently has found a new place of appreciation in me. The lyrics, oh people of Lincoln Park, you guys are simply amazing. Now all the words make sense. Now I feel it. Now, I understand 'em.

I have a lot on my hands lately. Late nights, long days. It's been something good, the staleness of life has lost it's stench, now I feel more invigorated. I mean, it still stinks, but not half as bad as it used to. Come to think of it, there is a little more to smile about these days. Cool, I'd say. Coool.

Whether it makes sense, or it doesn't, relies completely on how you look at things. Unless you have Harvey's penny, there's always 2 sides to a coin. However, this point of judgement can really be detrimental to one's ability to find out the truth. The openness of the mind simply does not want to rule out every possibility. Fuck it I say. Sometimes things are the way they are, nothing more. It's like staring at the mirror wondering if it really is you you're looking at.

It really is you, believe that. It's what you've become, the result of your surroundings. But it's not what you are. What you are is simply a ever-changing organism that mutilates constantly when need be. What you are, is not real. What you are, you do not need. What you are, is not what you mean to be.

Oh Damien, you, too, are brilliant.

Stop asking. These Questions of Cancer are just silence in answers. The silence, that befalls onto unkind souls, ones that bleed while they weep.
It's still possible, these thoughts are figments of the devil in you. The devil, in us all. Still, it's possible.

I say that to myself daily.

Pest

2011-04-12T20:51:00.006+08:00

An identity crisis. To be identified. To abolish stereotypes. To rewrite first impressions. And to prove myself. The opportunity, more so, to prove who I am.

If I died, say, in an accident, I doubt anyone would be able to recognise me. I think, that's sad.

Why are these things so important to me, I ask myself.

I've come to a point in my life where I can't leave things, too many of it, to chance. Instead, I want to be given one, a chance, to prove myself. So many times, most of the time, I'm always judged so quickly that I am not given an opportunity to prove myself. I'm not saying I'm better than what you think of me, but at least give me the opportunity to shatter this pseudo image I have in your head. Apparently this pseudo image was created by me itself, like inception, planting a seed in your head and allowing all the negativity to water it, producing an ugly, distasteful fruit. But really, it's not. You're just judging too quickly.

I'm sick of it. Fed up with it all, all this distasteful images youse have about me. "It's pseudo it's pseudo" I'll be crying out loud, yet these cries are just wisps of air brushing past your ears. And it's annoying, yet you don't pay much attention to it. Cause you know it's just soft wind, a breeze. Apparently that's what you think it is, when it's not.

Yes I am down by this all. It's bringing me down. What more can I do? I can't change people, I can't change me. I can't change me. I can't change me.

Just look past the physicality of it all. I'm more than just that.
I'm more, than just that.

If I died, say, in an accident, I doubt anyone would be able to recognise me. I think, that's sad.
I think, that's just awful.

What do I have, but painful loneliness, and a heart that longs to be needed and cared for. I'm a man, with nothing. I'm not a man, at all.

I think, that's just sad.
I think, I'm suffocating.

Star Light

2011-04-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

I, just wanna get high. So high, as the fuckin' sky.

I, just wanna be on a cliff. So much danger, let me 'OD' on adrenaline.

Push me. Or I'll just drive off it. Either way, this will be the last night.

Say your prayers say goodbyes, cause tonight, we get high. So high, till we reach the fuckin' sky.

Till I, reach the fuckin' sky.

I'm headin' for the stars, don't be on your lazy arse.

Steam

2011-03-30T23:15:00.005+08:00

Eat my mind, eat me. Cause this space, it hasn't filled itself. Filled me, it hasn't.

It isn't just a space, just one part which is empty. There are so many spots in me right now that aren't filled. And, it seems as if more spots in me are just draining itself, emptying itself.

Control, oh control. Being the control freak that I am, this is certainly mystifying me. And yes, it seems a lot is shrouded in mist.

Certainty, oh certainty. Even waking up the next day, or getting to your dental appointment isn't certain. It isn't, not anymore. Cause I've seen it myself, experienced it too, and it certainly is a mindfuck. Ask me, I've been there. Nearly. Less than a meter near, or far, however you wanna look at it. It's the exact case of the glass being half full or half empty. Don't, read too much into it, though. As much as a spectacle it can be, don't take things to literally.

And the rhymes, oh the rhymes. It's just part me, part natural, that's it. That's me.

I have realised, that it really is time I filled this void I have in me. One of the voids, I mean. Cause I really do feel it's time. And I know, I can provide my filler with things, a new lease of life. I really am certain I can. But this isn't a dating ad, and apparently I am not, ideally, a walking desire, so I have to find other ways of doing so. Doing this.

Let me get there, I'd say. I'm really bursting at the seams here. Cause I wanna prove to myself that I can, that talk isn't cheap, and that I am able.

I don't know if I'm just not getting the chance to, or I've been missing out on 'em. Yes, there still is one that rings in my mind, till this day. However, I tend to see it as it wasn't meant to be. Cause I know me, and I know if it is, meant to be, it will be and I will do it. Still, I can't get that one incident out of my head. Shows that sometimes, even reasons can't talk you out of games, especially ones your mind come up with.

Liberate me, for I am bursting at my seams here. Let me blow off the steam, like the pressure cooker. You'll then know if things were actually meant to be. You'll then know, me, and all that's meant to be.

Star Descent

2011-03-21T21:31:00.004+08:00

A week, full of just horrid things. Again, I keep mention to the fact that, this year's prediction has been spot-fuckin'-on. Spot on really, cause everything hasn't turned out the way I want it to, only to what I've expected.

I, am, on the verge. The verge, of just bursting. It feels like a game, I'm the fuckin' doll. People just probing, poking, throwing and putting I under flames just to see if my can feel.

Fuck you, fuck you, and especially, fuck you. All of this optimism isn't worth a cent, none at all.

Tell these voices to stop, I can't give in no more. I don't want to.

Turn my thoughts dark, whores.

The Profile

2011-03-14T21:17:00.003+08:00

"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery; None but ourselves can free our minds." - Nesta Robert "Bob" Marley

I have a book. Actually, I have a number of books. I have a number of books I call my own, and one of it contains quotes. Whether short witty phrases, to ,sometimes, very long meaningful ones, I have many of them in there. And definitely, you could bet your house on me owning the phrase I just shared here.

It seems as though I've been making reference to a number of people lately. It's Bob now. Ha ha, to even think I was just given that nickname just about 20 hrs ago. Funny, but yes, I revere him too.

Again, I feel very unfortunate to have not been around while he was. His music, his philosophies, I just read excerpts of it and yet, I really am blown away by how he sees things. He astounds me. His view of the world, it's just so different from so many. Really, that's why there's only one Bob Marley.

Special, in his own way. That was why he became who he was then.

It's only been a week. Yet it feels like this whole episode happened much much earlier. It's still too awkward for that *beep* of thought to come.
&I'm wondering; It's like playin' chess: Nome's makin' the first move.

Fuckin' time, fly. Fly, like that sparrow, which I once called a baby-mynah not too long ago.

Open

2011-03-09T23:08:00.005+08:00

It's screamin' out loud that no one cares, and none gives a fuck. And to say I haven't found out lately, would be a big fuckin' lie. Cause I've recently found out, that no one does. It doesn't surprise me to now know why I've been feelin' this way all along recently.

No one cares, none gives a. Fuck, none gives. A fuck. A. Fuck. None.

Modern Old Times

2011-03-07T23:52:00.005+08:00

For a couple of reasons I've recently been reading, not entirely, but some of my old writings. How times have changed, for myself personally. The state of denial, not wanting to accept that the person I used to refer to as "The Boy" was actually part me. Actually, it's the whole me.

Yes, it was the state of denial. And how much I sounded like a preacher. It has changed though. I've stopped talking about how people can learn and change their lives 'cause I've accepted that we are who we are, and that it's silly, really, to change someone through writing. My main objective was to create awareness of certain issues. Well, not anymore.

It is a change for me personally, as well. I accepted who I am, and that whole philosophy of being a preacher took a turn. That is why personally, I really dislike listening to advice, especially when people make it public via social networking sites. I really think it's pathetic. Now, I just write whenever inspiration comes knocking. And lately, boy, have I really been inspired.

To be able to write like him, the vision and relation he placed in his writing, it's just incredible. Yes, I'm talking about the one guy I admire most, Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald, a.k.a. F. Scott Fitzgerald. He, is such an amazing author. Really, how I wished I was able to have met him. Maybe I did, in my past life, if you believed in such things. I'm not entirely a believer of it, but yes it has come across my mind a couple of times. Let's face it, I don't believe in much. Which is why, I get intimidated, overwhelmed to say the least, when I see such devotion and belief in most of the others surrounding me. I think it's scary. I think it's silly. I think, it's just me.

I love him, I absolutely do. His life, the person that he was. Like I said, I've never met him, only most probably in my last life, but I read so much about him to know what a great man he truly was. Fuck, eBay should start selling time machines. I'd travel in time just to be with him. And be with the things he went through, as a person. His devotion, his descriptive analysis, goodness I can go on, and on, and on. For now, I'll just go off.

Mr Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald, you are simply brilliant. How I wished, I was alive while you were. How I wished, I was you.

I'm gonna stop.

Lights, illuminate the streets. Yet, all I saw was your dark silhouette. And yet I knew only from that, that you had unparalleled beauty. All I saw, was your dark silhouette. Yet I knew then, you were the *first number* . You were, the *first number*

Viva la vida. Companionship, is overrated.

The Farewell Show

2011-03-06T12:51:00.009+08:00

I really do think all these things I've been containing within myself is really destroying me. It feels like I'm lying in my own filth, my soul rotting and stinking the entire room. No one's in here, not even me. Cause I have been slowly losing myself. And I, am at the lowest point. I, am on the verge of something insane here. I, am on the verge of a meltdown.

Cause I've recently been told that I have a problem with everyone. A few minutes ago, actually, I was told a few minutes recently. That I create problems between myself, and everyone. Yet, it never has occurred to anyone that, I have always tried to be this different person. My, apparently, unconventional ways of arguments where I hardly ever bring up anything else but what's current. And yet, time and time again, I am single-handedly provoked by issues of the past, and I am provoked by topics that are of no relation to the present's happenings.

At times, I really do wonder: What's the use of my positivity when all it ever does it just bring hardship and sorrow to me, while making others feel comfortable with swimming in their own murky shit. I bear the brunt of a joke just to make sure the awkward silence is broken, just to ensure that everyone's comfortable. And yet I, I am the butt of the joke. I do not once complain about it, and I actually make myself enjoy it.

Right now, I feel like a stranger under my own skin. Cause I never thought I could degrade myself so much for the sake of others. It's time I stopped, cause I've seen the way this world works. And it's not a world I envisage myself in. I don't belong here. My world's over there, over yonder. Where the grass is green, the skies are blue, and the air is chilly.

I've got nothing left over here. And a man with nothing is not a man at all. Trust me, I"ll be gone. And trust me, you'll only realise it when I'm gone. Cause this place ain't for me. It ain't for anyone like me at all.

So I bid you farewell, stop me before I'm gone. Cause I never look back.

I never look back.

I've always said I never believed in suicide. Little did I know, I've already killed myself.

&Don't forget, it's you who let me in your life. And it was your actions that has caused this silence you talk about. Darl, I, for once, have nothing to blame myself on.

You're reading this. I know, you are. Nothing eludes me, you know that.
This is what I talked about; There is always good and bad in what I'm good at. You asked what's the bad.
This, that I know everything, is the bad.
That, this was we had, that's the good.
That, was the good. You know, that.

Ilumina Into Abyss

2011-03-06T01:41:00.004+08:00

If I were to go away, I won't tell anyone. Let's face it, I don't have anyone to tell. I won't even tell myself that I'll be gone. I'll just go. Cause I don't even have myself anymore.

"Illuma"

And as I dawned upon the horizon, a white figure I appeared. Her black illumination drew closer, as my breath grew deeper. My breath, grew farther, and my breath grew closer. My breath, it grew colder.

Her white figure, her dark wonder, soon drew closer to me. Her eyes, if darkness could speak, closed into mine. And with her mysterious unheard-of powers, she lifted me, like as if I had magnets right under me, and she brought herself closer to me, it felt.

I analysed her. Her every detail, the shards in her eyes, the soft full lips and the hands, which were cold and spine-chilling.

And I, I brought myself closer to her. I allowed this mystery to grab hold of me, and I gave it permission to take me farther.

I took my hands, as gently as they surprisingly were, and I touched her chin. I brushed those cheeks, and I grabbed hold, gently, the lovely long silky black hair.

What is it that you want, why are you here I asked. Her face, flushed with an immediate form of happiness peered down to what was a space of air. Cause we were floating, and she was forming a disembarking amount of calculated surprise.

For a moment you could only hear the silence ringing around us; She spoke nothing. And then she looked at me with eyes filled with wonder and held my hand, the one that was tangled in her weave of fibre. She looked at me with those senseful eyes, eyes full of emotions and tiredness.

She took my hand, and an almost immediate wave of unwavering delight swept into me. It came out through my other arm and brought it around her waist. I held her close to me, and she had no breath. I felt no wind, her chest was empty.

Fill me with wonder, and breathe life into me she said. Show me a world so different from mine, and give me the life no one else could have provided me with she continued.

For a moment I started to think. I pondered upon her hallowing words, and I dawned upon her harrowing courage. The wind started to blow us into the abyss, and I held her hand. We walked into the light, and we morphed into a different species.

"The Abyss"

The different world, the abyss, was something I had always wanted. Cause I knew I always wandered in my head. Cause I always knew I had a different world up in there.

The different world, to her was a spectacle of delight. We were invisible to others, cause no one else was in this world. We wandered to places, brought time to a complete halt while the wind blew death off trees. Those death, leaves, floated while time came to a halt.

No one was around, we were invisible. And we, were invincible. And she took my hand and don't ever leave me. She said and don't ever leave me.

Don't you, too.

I told you, we would make the other hermaphrodites turn green in envy. And I told you, that I'd show you a world you've never been able to fathom.

So, fathom you, fathom me. And fathom us, with what we'll be.

Just don't sing What I am to you is not real. Cause what I am to you is not what you mean, to me.

Illuma, don't leave. We'll create a world in the abyss. Just you, and me. The wild is what we'll be.

Blue

2011-03-05T02:38:00.004+08:00

Right now, I can't feel a thing. My toes, they cease to exist. My fingers, where are my fingers? And the pumper? No beats from it.

Silent. Everything's gone silent.
Cold. I've turned cold. &Blue

I keep tellin' myself, "Never again".
But nope, I'm too silly to learn.

You didn't wanna let go.
Why didn't you,
if you didn't feel a thing?

Why, didn't you? If you hadn't felt what I was feeling?

Turn away, you do not want to see what this is turning me into.

Somehow, this doesn't feel real. Hence I always sing,"What I am, to you, is not real. What I am, to you, is not what you mean to me."

My Propeller

2011-03-04T02:38:00.004+08:00

Tonight, after so long, I'll be able to sleep - My Propeller

I will be able to sleep, finally. I might not even wake.

As you lay
to die
beside me,
On the morning
that you came.

On the morning,
that you, came.

Poison Fokus

2011-02-20T22:33:00.003+08:00

Really, it's a clear case of, you want what, you know deep down, you can't get. You do know it deep down, it's a case of denial that there has been acknowledgment. That you can't get it. And I keep going, for this instance, and I keep persisting in chasing these objects, like catching air; It's everywhere, yet I can't keep some. Not unless I wanna turn pale, blue, dead.

It is sickening. Like nostalgia, which has been clearly publicised here, it is absolutely sickening. Still, it's stubbornness. Give it up already, there's so much else to live for.

A close one recently advised me. That I needed time for myself. That got me pondering; Don't I already make enough time for myself? I dunno, if anything I feel I need to stop dwelling on myself. Then again, a drunk never admits so.

This is my poison.
What's your poison?
This, is my poison.

Lately I, wanted life. So much more since you arrived.

This, is rancid. An acid that eats. And now, this acid, is having a feast; There's a lot of me that has been eaten. It's continuing to do so.

Bon appétit, Monsieur Acid.

The Zeus Story

2011-02-18T23:11:00.003+08:00

There's an evident Greek-ish theme around here these couple of days. It stinks of Greekness, if you catch my drift. Not the Tokyo-type just the joke type the dry type not the chewy type.

In all honesty I have never been that much into Greek mythology. However that article, which I quoted, has got me really thinking. I do honestly think it's such a brilliant way to portray companionship. Still, I have never been a firm believer of higher authority. Still, a brilliant story, you'd have to say. I definitely say so.

Goodness, I really do think that mess now has a new definition. A picture of me should appear in the book of meanings, cause it really is chaotic now. All I wanna do is break, literally not so much metaphorically.

The question of existence, why are all of us here, and, in my opinion, the really annoying answer of us being here for a greater purpose, is really annoying. We, we are the greater purpose. Why can't anyone see it?

Blind as bats, but it isn't even bright here so how can 'em be so. Blind, I mean. Be so blind.

A kick-ass dream, last night I had such a kick-ass dream I didn't want it to end. Being wanted, a fugitive status and a bounty on my head. All because whatever I am feeling currently was reflected in it.

I feel the world is against me. I feel I'm facing everyone else, and I have no one on my side. That's how I'm feeling. I'm being pushed into war, and if I retreat I will have knives in my back, and the walls will plaster around me.

&In the end, I will be just another number. And even if it happens, I plead to be a special number. Cause, no one wants to be just another number. The sad truth is though, almost everyone is, and will be. Oh that's depressing!

So that's the Zeus story. Soaked in yogurt, dressed and served in a pita.

That's my story. I'm not Zeus, and I'm not just another number. You know it as much as I do.

Alright pour me a neat one.

Drop the board I'm standing on, the noose is tight enough I'd say.
However,
I don't fall easily. But when I do, I fall deeply.

Hermaphrodites

2011-02-18T03:20:00.004+08:00

A story from the Greeks:

"All human beings used to be hermaphrodites, recounts Aristophanes, creatures with four hands and four legs and two faces turned in opposite directions on the same head. But these hermaphrodites were so powerful and their pride so overweening that Zeus was forced to cut them in two - into a male and female half - and from that day, each man and each woman has yearned to rejoin the half from which he or she has been severed."

I can't provide much, but I can assure you I'll show you a life you could never have imagined. I'll show you things you've never seen, experience events you could never possibly dream of, and bring to you feelings, you never thought you could feel.

Just take my hand. I'm reaching out this is the best I'll do. Complete the other half, you hold the key to this new door in the world.

Complete, my other half too.

And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

I'm so sure of myself, it's scary. It's confidence. Trust me, put it in me.

I want, your hand. It'll be a journey other hermaphrodites would envy. Even greeks turn green. Didn't you know?

Choke Hold

2011-02-13T23:24:00.006+08:00

Well, apparently a very special day awaits the world. It's about half an hour away now, unless of course, if you live in a different timezone. You do the math yourself. But no matter what, you can't run away from this. It dawns upon us. Yes yes, you know which day I'm referring to.

As I sit here typing, handicapped by my thumb's inability to move freely, I really have not much to say. Only that, I usually have things to write about on this "special" day. Yes, "special".

I have heard a lot of debates on my side, many are believers, some are not. I'm really not sure which category I fall into, so let my writing tell the story. And let it paint a picture, or 2. Just leave it simple, something I always enjoy.

Well as usual, this year is really living up to my prediction; It fuckin' sucks. Nothing is making it better. It usually feels good to get my forecasts right. Like the weatherman. But, you can't always predict the weather, you know.

Poems, flowers. Chocolates and candles. Clichés fill the air, it buzzes around my ear like that annoying fly. Still, many are fond of these things. I, for one, love 'em. Not clichés, but whatever I mentioned earlier. Esp candles. Gotta love 'em.

So forgive my cynicism, I am, after all, a very big cynic. And forgive all this that annoy you. But be happy, and be merry this day.

Cupid's missed out someone. Oh no, I forgot; I'm on some anti-cupid antidote. Silly me.

Be loved, be sweet. Have an awesome V day.

"The Choke Hold's Writing"

I, for one, can't stop thinking about you.
I, for one, think you're mesmerising.
I, for one, still have a crush on you.
&I, for one, still am fond of you.

Your eyes, the stories they tell.
Your hair, the waves they hold.
Your smile, oh your smile; Can't stop thinkin' about you.

You prolly still don't know.
I doubt I'll tell.
I'm afraid to ruin it all, again.
Yes, I'm still that small, scared boy.

Is this love?
I hardly doubt so.
After all, I have my own meaning of it.
And right now, it isn't.
Not until there's reciprocation.

I wished I had you for the night.
And day.
I'll keep you within sight.
And never let you stray.

I'll think about you.
And continue I will do so;
It's torment, it's pain.
I like this feeling that way.

You don't know,
how much I like you so.

How much,
I still like you so.

I'd rather be real; Dreams, they get me nowhere.

Dark Bird

2011-02-05T02:53:00.003+08:00

"The real work's when you metamorphosis into her evil twin"

Evidence. That there is a part of us where, when we let free, turns us into something completely different. The great Franz Kafka wrote about it once, in his work entitled Metamorphosis.

Watching that film just got me deep. Into thinking that this is just seriously crazy. Yet, it's so fuckin' beautiful. So fuckin' beautiful.

I wanna experience being with someone who has a mental condition. I always thought, as much as this may sound sick, that schizophrenia is such a wonderful condition. When I say wonderful I don't mean as "superb" or "so cool", I mean it's so interesting. It appeals to me so much because there is no reality in it, and there is no control whatsoever in that person's mind. F. Scott Fitzgerald's wife was schizophrenic while he was writing Tender is the Night. And if you know, tell me how beautiful that piece was.

My curiosity is, how is it like being one?

I dunno, they said curiosity killed the cat. And I know, this, might me.

This is unique. This, in wonderful. I ain't lettin' it go, not for nobody. Not for anybody. It's only, for me.

It's always been, for .

Bitter Tint

2011-02-01T00:03:00.005+08:00

Transparent; That's what everyone is to me. Every other person I know, or have seen before, has been seen right through. Because, I see through things, antics and attitudes, the hidden gestures. Some, are more tinted than others. Others? The majority of them are like reading a brochure; You immediately know what's it about.

A gift, apparently. I don't know, whether it's a gift, or a talent I invested a lot of time and effort in making it grow. In the romantic way, I'll say it's both. And right now, the investment seems to be paying off. Not in full, I don't want that. I'd like this to secure me till retirement, just until my last breath.

In all honesty, it sometimes is quite a disturbing thing, to be able to read through so easily. Cause I know what to expect, and it takes out the element of surprise. It's like, I know your next 2 moves. And you can't fool me, cause I know that's the way you work. Predictable, so many of you are. And sometimes, I really wished it wasn't as straightforward. To me, at least.

But yes, there are times where the element of surprise really does catch me. Unawares', and it really is sometimes a splendid feeling to be able to be surprised.

I have been both expecting and surprised recently. I could see that something was not right, and as mentioned in the earlier works, it proved to me that I wasn't mentally deranged. It however did surprise me at the magnitude of it all. The whole posse was against me.

Felt terrible, I felt horrible. Mortified, at how quickly things changed. At the dictator's seat buttons were pushed and the verdict was given. And how quickly, the puppets nodded their heads in agreement.

Pardon my naivety, but aren't we all at least a little old enough to be thinking for ourselves, and of course, brave enough to clarify certain issues before passing judgement? Well, unfortunately yes, I was being naive. And yes, I have totally overestimated. The maturity in all of y'all. And Dear Dictator, you've once again shown the snake in you. The hissing prevails!

The sad thing about all of this? It has happened before, to me yes it has. It's both sad, and helpful. Because being in the position I am now, as I was before, I felt I was able to comprehend the situation a lot quicker. And yes, it certainly doesn't feel alien at all to me.

I do think still, that's it's a pity. But every end, as Mitch says, is a new beginning. I don't know if it shows a sad reality that, I will forever be someone who's misunderstood. I have a feeling it does, and yes it somehow compels me to, keep a distance. I don't know, let time reveal all this.

All I know is, I'm free. And yes, all I know is, I saw this coming. Sensed it, I'll say.

Insane Times

2011-01-26T23:03:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna disappear. For a while, I'm gonna be. I will.

Till sanity catches up with me.

Dance Puppet

2011-01-24T20:50:00.005+08:00

"I don't regret a thing I've done. I only regret the things I didn't do."
Ingrid Bergman

It's a kind of life I couldn't live in, one where I'll sit and ask meself,"Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I do that? Why?"

These essentially are the questions that can lead a strong-willed person to his grave quivering, wondering how different things would have been.

I sit back, and I think about all the things I've done as a person, an individual. There are so many things I did that never yielded the outcome I desired. So many.
And I remember the things I didn't do. Even right now writing this, I have a heavier heart thinking about the things I never did. I mean yes, some of it eventually would wear off, but there are one or 2 that just, depresses.

It was a week ago where I saw how courageous I can be, and that I could make someone long for me. And I felt the connection, the twirling of the wavy hair, the stolen glances. And I left the place, without even looking to fulfill the desire I had within me, to go up, and steal her.

I sat in the car, thinking, pondering. "Should I do it? I wanna do it, but this fear, it grapples. This fear, it paralyses. It's paralysing me."

I wrote my number on a paper, deciding that I'd just drop it in her bag and hope that she would find it and figure it was me who left it in there. Right now, to think that I decided to settle on that meager, pathetic thought just sickens me, especially knowing what I did next.

The words, the ones that came out of my mouth, gosh, I surprised myself really. The next thing, she was sitting beside me, in the car.

I did it, I fuckin' did. It. I did. Un-fuckin'-believable. And I had no regrets whatsoever towards the eventual outcome, cause I knew it was better than to have done nothing at all. It's crazy, I'm insane. This world, is just unbelievable. and i did it.

This fear, I overcame it. Cause all it ever did was hold me back. It's all it ever does, and I freed my soul. Fear was my master, now it's my fuckin' puppet. And I'm controlling it.

So puppet, dance. Dance puppet, dance.

Statue

2011-01-13T01:05:00.005+08:00

A stupid song, silly and nonsensical in it's lyrics. The sad part is that, it's now stuck in my head. Like a leech, it's suckin' me dry.

Nome would understand what it's like. I didn't too, till I started. And I, have no intentions of stopping. It's silly, to quit. To know I must. Why bother to start, then?

I knew it, I did. That someone was following me. The number of hits I've been gettin' was the sign. I knew you were following me.

But I don't know you. I think I do, but I'm not one to assume. Come clean, if you want to. Or else, just be away. I've lived long enough without you. I don't need you.

Cold, I know. But you should know, since you claim you do, that I can be, cold. How did I go on without you, then?

"White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes"

I was following the pack,
All swallowed in their coats
With scarves of red tied 'round their throats
To keep their little heads
From fallin' in the snow
And I turned 'round and there you go.

And, Michael, you would fall,
And turn the white snow
Red as strawberries

In the summertime.

People, are gonna walk past me. &I'll be this statue. No movement, just still. Enjoyin', my night.

I know who you are. You know, too. Why waited this long, though?
I'm here, won't be going anywhere, yet. Yet. So if you know you can't live with the answer being a secret, you'll know what to do.

Do something, before I bid farewell. Nome can live with a heavy heart, not even you. That's why you chose to come forward. Now I'm tellin' ya, come clean. Or be just another number in my life.

Do something, before I bid farewell.
I can live, without you.

Welcome Mindfuck

2011-01-08T00:23:00.004+08:00

Worries, worries, worries. I'm fill with 'em. So much of 'em. And at such an age where I feel I shouldn'd be worried this much, at least filled with this kind of worries, one does wonder how it'll all be once I hit the older years. I do wonder.

Fuck man, it's not the teeny years. And please, fuck the teeny years. Angst, paranoia, stupid curiosities. The stupid years, years that I lost out a lot on. But I guess, it was part of the journey. Nonetheless, fuck those years. And the soon-to-be last 2 years. Yes, it's soon. Not that soon, but it's nearing. I just ain't thinkin' 'bout it. Looks like there's space for something back there. Figure.

So figures I wasn't being accompanied during this whole journey, this whole duration. The whole support thing wasn't really there. It wasn't real. Pseudo. Thanks. It's left me bare, thinkin' there really is no hope in this place we're in here. Here, not there here there somewhere nowhere some place no place and this some place is that stupid mother-fucking place.

Place place place. It'll be places I'd be going soon, I know. It's something I sense, a deep feeling for it. It's sorta this determination thing, which, when I tell nome would understand. But I know, I'm gonna be going places. And yes, I said nome, not none whatsoever.

Fuck this, just fuck it. It isn't the night I wanted.

"Welcome"

I know, how the fuck youse minds' work.
I know, how your mind works.
So don't be trippy, don't be damned.
This mental profiling I do, it's one I created on my own, for my own use.
Once again, no one knows how it works. No one would.
So welcome mindfuck.

Welcome, and be fucked.

Misty Endings

2010-12-31T01:24:00.004+08:00

The last day of the year. It isn't the last day of my life, though. I doubt it.

Usually it's a year full of ups and downs. Everyone would love to have more ups, even me. But there's no doubting, this has to be one of the years' I'd really have no sentiments attached to it. Cause it's a year of heartbreaks, heartaches, and yes, the few occasional tears.

And I'm still involved in the period of my life only I know how difficult it is. The end is nearing, but it's not that near. That's what I say to myself, to let time fly by faster. It's a trick I've used to manipulate myself, and so far, I've been successfully cheating me. Not him, not her, me.

Yes, there have been ups. Only a few, as I can recall. Yes yes the bad ones really do feel bigger than the good, but I know the bads have been really, as it is, bad. Horrible, actually.

Not much to be proud of, but October is the one month I can be. Proud of. A sense of pride, achievement. I really am proud till this day when I think of it. Cheers, best shot. I did it.

These few nights, it's been really quiet and peaceful. And not to say, the weather's been real nice. Tonight, it was silent. Just quietness all around. Not even the birds and cars broke the silence, as they usually they do. Not even the 2 meows who's been at it for a few nights already. A good night, I'd say.

A bummer of a year, and really, I'm not looking forward to the next year. It's funny, cause I usually do. This time, I really have told myself there's no need to. Cause, I still am broken, and I still am sore. Life, it really is a funny thing. It still is beautiful, but I do know, there's more to it. Not in the near future, though. I'm just gonna let the wind blow me. Blow me, and I'll drift along. I have no sense of direction as we speak. As I speak, so to speak.

So goodbye 2010. You've been a bitch. And I, for one, despise you.

I could do, though, with your whisper, breaking, the silence of the night.
Cause you really were, beautiful. I bid you farewell, mistletoe. Till we meet again, if ever. If, ever.

The Concoction

2010-12-27T22:30:00.005+08:00

It looks like, writings here are becoming more direct, and less artistic. Filled with more controversy, and less expressions.

It might really be that, the reason why all this is so is because, it really is happening. All of this really is taking place, and that, this is my way of dealing with it. I don't know though, but I'm sure enough that's how it is.

Really, looking back, I'd like to cut much of this away from future writings. Things were never supposed to be direct, I cultivated the habit of breaking my neck, and cracking my head to be as vague as possible, with a hint of everything that's not. A mixture, of everything that is, and nothing that was.

I really am tired, of envying the possibilities of others, knowing that I want that too. Like, it's not so much of jealousy, although there might be a hint of it, but it's more to the sickening feeling of paralysis, knowing that I am capable of achieving it too, and that all of it's not possible with what I'm going through right now.

A sin, literally, a capital one, to take 2 years of someone's life. It's 2 years of accumulated wrath and anger that's gonna take this place apart. Cause we are the future, and we don't like what we see. And what we're going through.

"We, are the future.
It's time you realised."

A prediction, a bold one. Not as bold, as love.

Maybe there's nothing left for me here. The only reason that was holding me back from going where I wanted to has left me shattered. I don't know, maybe there's nothing left for me here. It's a pity, none are ever here. Here here.

Never a ~~dull~~ bright moment. That's why things here are always ~~bright~~ dark.

Crisis

2010-12-26T05:46:00.004+08:00

It is really one you know, a crisis. Cause I got to know of some things, and well, let's just say, it's of unspeakable sorts. Unthinkable too. Really, it is one. A crisis.

&I'm thankful I do not celebrate this specific festivity, the one that was just over a couple of hours ago local time. Cause if I did, it would have ranked up there, as one of the worst days I've ever had to go through.

The smiles, the fake ones. It really does break me, to see those closest to me were comparing me to an animal. A fuckin' animal, one that gives animals a bad tag. Really, I'm just speechless. I was thought-less too. The whole day, the whole fuckin' day it was just that one thought that kept streaming through me, through the veins that carry the red of life to that thinking machine up there.

I'm broken, I really am. More reasons to look forward more to the new year. However, come to think of it, maybe the new year wouldn't bring much. What so different from the previous year? All hopes, of me lookin' forward to this year was just dashed off just a few days into this "new beginning". Bull-fuckin'-shit. There was never anything to look forward to, other than more disappointments.

I'm broken. It's a perfect kind of situation to popularise a book that I would be writing. That is, if I was lookin' for something to write about.

No books in the near future, so don't anticipate. I pretty much reckon a lot of the stuff here would be good enough for a book.

Fuck this prophecy, the race we're in. Cause it really can be a shame, and it can really turn out to be a crisis.

Fuck this, just fuck it. So fuck off, just do so.

The Unexplainable

2010-12-21T21:52:00.005+08:00

Oh gosh. Memories, they just come flooding back in. That night, that very night that just dazzled me.

They did it, they honestly did. Dazzle me, they honestly did. They did it, in ways only your eyes, heart, and head can see. To show you, how they dazzled me.

They players of freeze were just unbelievable. And right now, I'm being nostalgic. About that night. That night, on the 23rd of March in year 2009.

That's what nostalgia is supposed to be like. The good-feel of it. Not other sorta crap that gets me sick and leaves, literally, a bad taste in my mouth. It fucks the tummy and I'd wanna puke.

I'm very particular about nostalgia. I really don't know why, but I really don't like it. The feel it gives me generally, it's just something I don't enjoy. Maybe higher powers could decipher the reason why, cause right now it's just locked up in a language I don't understand. Hence, the unexplainable.

And so, title explained. What's next? A trip, a dizzy one, but one I would do my best to make it be less nauseous.

Really, all along I've been feeling as though I've been away for quite long. Not until I saw the last dated entry that I realised it's been just 7 days. They call it a week here, just so you know. You didn't know, did you? I knew that.

The moon's full, at least to me it looks that way. Tonight, I found someone. Someone who really has impressed me. You're so rational, that's what I love about you, love. I thank you for that.

Really, my thinking behind all these compliments is that, the ones I've wanted to show it to have never been mesmerised by it. So, in my opinion, it doesn't matter. Cause who I wanna show it to, they don't see it. So, in my opinion, it doesn't matter.

A heartache in process, the heartbreak in congress. I just saw a lot in you. For a few times even, I saw me. And really, I hoped you saw it too. Pity Rav, didn't work out that way, now did it? That's why, it really doesn't matter. Still, nothing's changing this. Cause I know, this perseverance would pay off. I know it would. I'm just hurtin' now that's all.

So leave it be, and let me be. What were you but just another piece of shard in my life. Pierce through me you did, right through. It doesn't mean I didn't understand where you came from, but in the end, I was left back. Back, to *square* one.

Sad. Nothing a night of rest wouldn't do. Unfortunately, I know it'll come back in the morning. Or in the evening. Or anytime. Fuck.

Heartbreaker. Still, I was glad to have met you. It feels like a blessing.

"Light will guide you home

And I will try, to fix you."

I tried. I know I did.

The Thought

2010-12-14T22:51:00.005+08:00

And so I thought to myself, it was time to come back here and start something again. Something new, fresh. The total opposite from the staleness of yesteryear. Actually it was just yesterweek, so to speak. You get it.

It's not been much. Well, somethings' did change, and a lot stayed the same. But I'm still heavy hearted right now. Let's not go there I feel a heavy head coming.

I told myself, that it was time to come here. Cause being away from here for too long gives me a heaviness that makes me heave. Not a sigh of relief, mind you not until I'm here at least. But yes, I do miss this place a lot. It feels so homely being here. I really wished I could live in here. Cause it's dark, it's green. And it's so poetic. In my own way, of course. I love this place.

Me, and my fantasies.

I think if I stayed here longer I'm gonna start being sentimental and all. Let a light aid me in this.

"Those lights"

Dim lamps, illuminating these dark streets and black walkways.
I once took a picture of those, aligned symmetrically to please and tease the eye.
My eyes were teased, my picture was made to please.

And it reminded me, of the work of Micheal Kenna.
A beautiful picture, that was teased to please.

Give me the light, Kenna. Cause to me it said,
let there be light.

It does totally suck, the feeling. This is, for the record.

And so I thought the thought. That, all the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players.

You played me, player.

The Stale Story

2010-12-08T00:18:00.005+08:00

How do I put it into words? The things that are going through me right now. How can I do it? Oh wait, yes, there is no way to word it, so to speak.

Ended it did, right before anything began. Oh wait, yes, there was no start in the first place. None at all, whatsoever.

Feels sick now, totally devoid of anything at the current moment. Such a momentous night. All, for the wrong reason, for me.

I really do apologise if you have to read this. But I'm sorry, this is the way I deal with things. Things of such matters.

Crushed I am, totally deflated right now. Honest words, words that I truly appreciate. It's so much better than chasing tails, but still, it doesn't hide the fact that it hurt. It truly did.

One thing you should know about, is that you're beautiful. Gorgeous you are, you're so oh gorgeous. It's a pity, though, that I didn't even come close.

Yes I am, devastated. Truly broken. But it's a stale story, this one. For not once but many a times have I gone through this. Enough, to know that it'll hurt tonight, and it'll sting like a bitch tomorrow morning, and in the days ahead.

Still, know that I truly did like you. Dare I say, it felt more than a like. Yes, I felt that much, but how unfortunate; It wasn't meant to be. Unfortunate for me, that is. I wanted a whole lot more, for I felt prepared to be responsible for something truly greater than me; We. Again, pity, wasn't meant to be.

Gosh, some person you are, really. In this short span of time, longer than usual, it truly felt magical. And as far as I'm concerned, I did everything I could. I guess understanding your issues was key. Gosh, then again, it never truly worked out.

Again, I do thank you for being brave. As much as it's shattering me it's better I knew truth rather than fake smiles. And I do hope as much, that your time spent with me was time you saw worth parting for. For you are beautiful, you're so oh beautiful.

It'll definitely take a while. It truly is a sickening feeling here. Hard saying this, but eventually, I'll get over it.

Thank you, for lighting up my days leading up to tonight. As much as the last few days were tough on me, it was truly worth it.

You're beautiful, so oh beautiful. Know that I felt this way about you. You're a gem, I mean it.

I just hope though, that you find time for yourself. I understand your responsibilities, but selflessness is selfishness to yourself. And I truly believe that you deserve better. Sadly, I don't think you deserve this. Who am I to judge, though?

I loved you, yeah I truly did. But like what I said, it's only love if it's both ways.

Take care, doll. You were an experience I truly found joy going through with.

Looks like it's the old days, old ways for me now.

Fuck it, this is too sick. I don't know, how much more of this I can take. So let me heal, these wounds that I've inflicted upon myself.

What's new, this is just my stale story. Like the stale bread we have at home, I don't like it. Not at all, not one bit at all.

Shade & Lines

2010-12-07T01:40:00.003+08:00

Close the window, open the other side; Snap. Finger bruised.

It happens.

Yet many who frequent this site wonder, some do: Who is this she? This female form I refer to many a times in my entries. The one looking at me from the back, while I do this thing of mine. This form of art O'mine.

It's not always the same person, this she. Yet, in the confusion of all this she don't quite change form. She's still a female, female in form and mind. Yet. it's never been the same person. Only the form is.

It's still not quite clear, not to anyone at least. But she's a desire I often long for. And on nights like these, she's one I always think of. Layin' there, in simple form, looking at me. While I do this, this form of art O'mine.

Screw the jagged red lines underlining the words, these are my creations. As long as the idea fits the bill it's good enough. Enough for me, to continue. To continue, this form of art. O'mine.

Let the night be, tonight. Cause it's a wonderful night, and I'm just speechless. Let this form of expression be filled with words being mixed together to make a picture, punctuations and italics being toyed and experimented around with to create tones and impressions.

It's all about shades and lines for me. And in all these words, that's what I see.

Shades; &Lines

Let's revel in the beauty of the night. Cause it is, a gorgeous dusk. Late, still, it's dusk to me. No ducks here, unlike what my finger's been typing, twice.

I'll see you again. This side, or the other.

Under Shadow

2010-12-05T17:31:00.003+08:00

There's no room here, now is there? For people like us?

The outcast type, the borderline type. Type, that's a minority.

After all, they all say that normal is majority. Actually, that's what I came up with. What's does it make us then? The finger points to only one direction: Abnormal.

It's a sickening day today. Not because I'm ill, oh no not that. It's because, well, certain events were made to happen not too long ago, and it's been playing on my mind. And to top it off, it's been a day spent rotting in my room. And to top that off? I've been bombarded by really nostalgic events. That's the epitome of a real horrid day, when nostalgia sinks in.

I just dislike it, nostalgia. It feels like a haunting, it bites at my bones, gnaws at it. And it just twirls my head around. Gosh, it really is a sick feeling. And it plays with my tummy too. Nostalgia & nauseousness goes hand-in-hand for me. It just feels sick.

It's like, I don't wanna get out of this place, my room. As much as I feel miserable because I'm not out there doing something or being with someone, it is better than being out of it. Because these halls, they're filled with the horrors only the mind reveals. And it sinks you so so low when you step out, cause grins turn ghastly.

Aghast; You have no where to run.

It might be me just overdoing it, all for the contrast I love to create here. But it really feels miserable today. I don't even want to look outside, cause it's just a reminder of where I am. I want to be out, I want to enjoy the outdoors and not be stuck in this place here.

I'll just have to deal with it. As much as I don't wanna.
I dislike situations like these. Yet, there's no saviour in all of it.
Not yet.

Abnormalities

2010-12-01T01:55:00.003+08:00

To be discreet, it's real nice weather tonight. It's dry, yet the air's real chill. And it's quiet, bar the rumbling of the bike breaking silence just now. And Mr A to Z's voice is just phenomenal. Try as I might, I could never do it like him. I could never do it like most of 'em, that's why I'm just a bathroom singer.

To say nothing's been happening is a major understatement. Still, nothing much has. There have been certain things, but it's not quite eventful I'd say. Still, I'd take as much as you give, and I want more, but I must wait. It's not as easy being discreet, with the awareness now. But it's a challenge, one I truly relish. Someone's quite bright though, aren't ya?

I just want to enjoy the night I'm in now. It won't be easy with a swollen sore upper respiratory tract, but I think I'm going down soon. Maybe a light or 2, we'll see.

Till then, keep the love going.
Has to be one of my favourite lines currently.

Harrowing

2010-11-22T01:14:00.003+08:00

It's gotten big, I'd say. Not huge, ginormous. But still, it's something big for me.

There's not much to it, but the act itself is.

There's a lot to it, the act. But the act itself is quite simple. It's the buildup to it, that's key. All the thinking, decision making, pondering if it's the right thing to do, and the right way to say it, and the right words to use, gosh.

Nothing's for certain, it's certainly uncertain times here.

I guess the similarities being shared is the one thing that got me to do it. And the comfort I get. It's not easy to share these similarities, not easy difficult very very difficult. Yet, it's not impossible. I guess, nothing is. Impossible. Nothing.

It's certainly not my style to talk about very recent happenings here, I kinda think it gives the impression that I'm demanding for something. Not really an impression then, is it? Shut up.

Really, it's not a demand. If anything, it's just my head unable to keep a lid on it. And trust me, I'm being as vague here as possible. If anything, it's not what it seems.

This time? I guess it is.

Let's see where this brings me. Let's not get too far ahead, nothing's even began yet.
Let's see what this brings me. It could be nothing, it could be something.

The feeling in me? There might be something here. I dunno.

I'm waiting. Been so for quite a while.
I'm waiting. Will be.

Seeing Double

2010-11-20T00:53:00.003+08:00

It's too worrying. Right now I'm beginning to see how much of a worry it is.

Can't seem, I just can't seem to get it out of the system. In my system. In me, the system. I know, I do know that it's not just a phase. It takes time to recover from it, and there's always a big possibility of a recurrence.

I do know this all, at the back of me head I do know. Yet, the hope given, the light brightening up this dark alley makes me, forgetful. In the attempt to hang on to these threads, these thin delicate threads of hope, reality is lost. And it's difficult, oh it's so oh difficult to pick everything up again. The amount of energy needed, the amount of patience needed to do it all over again is what consumes me. And if this is a once-after-such-a-long-while thing I'll be pleased. Pity though, it's happening often. Too darn frequently.

Fuck. Me.
Fuck. This.

I guess though, it's something I cannot run away from. It just delays the inevitable. I'd plead though, be merciful. I'll be merciful to that.

Keep the mind dry, keep it empty at times. Cause, in times like these I really need to give myself some space. Cause, in a crowded room it's a ticking time-bomb. The last thing I need is to lose it all.

I've pretty much answered myself. It's me thinking. Too much of it, thinking. Really though, I can't help it. I really can't do it, it's a trait in me and I can't stop. I guess control is the only way, but even then right now it's not easy, not easy at all difficult very very difficult.

Yet, it's not impossible. I truly believe in that. I can salvage this still, myself, I could still do it there's never been a time I gave up. I don't want to, don't ever want to, give up. Don't ever wanna give up. Cause it'll just mean I've given it up on all fronts. I can't bring myself to do that. The conscience in me don't agree to it. It's quite demanding you know, my conscience.

Rambles, murmurs, rubble and stones; Fake tea pots pour pounded leaves. I'd have a cuppa tea, it's soothing on the nerves.

"Lisa"

Hollow voices breach the peaceful night;
Gosh you're sharp, amplified.
There's no way it was subtle.

Such a beautiful mind.
Too bad, it's tainted.

Deviation

2010-11-15T10:26:00.003+08:00

It's pretty laid back now. A somewhat nauseating breakfast, it was all good at the start though. Ha ha, I guess I got pretty greedy. Oh well, the tea's fucked up. Let there be light.

I would like it to be opened, not literally, but metaphorically by someone. To just captivate me with your senses, and how you read me as much as I do you. Cause I do you, read, and at times it sucks to feel certain things. But I've told myself something. And, as much as possible, I don't wanna deviate myself away from it. I guess that's when a checklist becomes a necessity. Keeps me reminded, and on track.

Patience.

It really isn't easy, for me, to be patient. I really have a thin line when it comes to this. I guess things can really get under my skin easily. Not just anything, but when it comes to certain situations involving certain people I know.

Come to think of it, I feel weak realising that things can get under my skin easily. I feel shameful if I'd be quite honest with ya. Gosh, how pathetic is that?

If a title says a lot about a book, this entry's title could just be fitting. Kudos, bindek. Kudos.

Does sound very, "Land-of-the-rising-sun-ish", doesn't it? Sounds like a form of martial arts.

"I've got loads to tell ya
I just can't translate my thoughts,
into words."

Red Heart

2010-11-12T00:25:00.004+08:00

It's been alright. I guess it's been not too bad. Better than expected I'd say. Still, everything could be better. Oh you demanding freako-zoid!

Okay, so after a brief interruption I'm back. Mind's not totally focused on this page here, but what I do know is that I really am in need of a freakin' music player. So come on, don't disappoint me.

I do hope this temperature I'm running comes down, it's not the best of times to be ill. Not when there's a long weekend to look forward to.

Cause, this is full of hope and glory. And this is a good feeling. It can always be better. I know I'm demanding. I can be realistic, too.

"Blood bath in the deep west"

I've been wondering;
If I did cut you tonight,
would you bleed?

If I did suffocate you,
would you gasp for life?

What if I broke all the bones in you,
would you disfigure?

All this while,
would anyone hear your screams?

I doubt so, hun.

We're so deep in here,
I bet it'll take at least a week for someone to realise,
the gruesome blood bath that took place tonight.

By then, I'd be 10,000 miles away.
With only the memory of you left with me.

It's not enough,
cause I'd do better with you.

Too bad,
you left me that night,
that blood bath night.

Have you ever asked yourself, though?

Why did I skin you?
And eat you?
And see joy in your pain,
And feel euphoria in your screams?

Cause I'm sick.
You, were my illness.

Does this make me a doctor?

Crazy stuff. This has been on me mind for a good couple of days at least. Fictional, of course. But I find joy in letting my mind wander at times. It's the freedom of feeling and seeing something that's totally new. I like freedom. And it felt great to visualise all this when I was going down that road a few nights ago.

Freedom of the mind, I'm breaking free. And I'm feelin' good about it.

Dampener

2010-11-07T13:45:00.005+08:00

It feels weird honestly. It's like, I'm neither here, nor am I there. There's a sense of detachment irking me right now. I've tried filling the void by listening to music. I've gone through lord knows how many different albums and genres. I've tried filling this with drawings, goin' through my plethora of movie collection. Yet, there seems to be no answer for this.

Answers answers, everyone wants them. That's how philosophy came about. The various methods of reasoning with oneself. Old men, groomed in shoddy robes and sporting graying beards, the look of a real thinking man. And they've spent most of their experienced lives sitting down and pondering, on why are things as such. They used their heads so much so, to the extend that most of them, invariably, turned bonkers. Or were they perceived to be luns by society, not being able to stomach their new ideas and ideology?

Really, what I'm doing right now is just finding an solution to the emptiness I'm currently feeling. Most of it up there's just mad-talk. It's me mind just let a little loose. I do admit, most of what I've said above is somewhat an excerpt of what I've hypothesised in this head of mine. However, I'm nowhere as close to declaring all that factual, simply on the merit that I have no existing proof in my hands.

I've got so many things I wanna do and become. And I feel that, as much as it's somewhat impossible to do all of it, I wanna do most of it. I want to experience as much as possible in this duration I have in my life. Obtain as much information as possible, participate in as much activities that interests me as possible, and just live. It's one life for crying out loud, fear only limits you.

I want to be limitless, even more so than the sky.

Cause I'm pretty sure the sky ends somewhere. I wanna beat that limit, and throw this mental thing called fear. Cause it is a psychological barrier, and I feel I'd do better without it. Of course, I'm gonna be smart about the things I do as well. But it's the experience of it all that adds colour and dimension to life. And I want my life, when I have a birds-eye view of it, to be the most vibrant and full-dimensional figure around. Then it'll be true to say,"I lived".

"A side-note"

Amidst all this talk about life
and the beauty of it
It's something to ponder

which would be better:
To live as a monster,
or to die as a good man?

Amber

2010-10-30T02:02:00.003+08:00

Looks like tonight might have been the night I've been finally caught. Not exactly red-handed, but news, as it always would, will spread like the wild fires of Indonesia. I don't quite know the outcome of it all. It might create a haze, it may create fruitful soil for new possibilities. Right now, I just don't know.

And like so much nowadays, I really don't quite know what the outcome would be. For 16 years there's always been a blueprint for me to follow. Everything's been laid out like a highway for me to go on, pit stops forming parts of the journey. But I guess the haze, fog, mist in front is really blurring my vision, and the headlights aren't strong enough right now for me to see what's ahead. For all I know, I would have to be the one making a new layout for the road in front of me. It's quite daunting honestly, and I'm trying to turn this fear, into excitement. I just need certainties, and right now, nothing's certain. Even the car I'm in feels lost, the drivers' anxious to see what's ahead.

I've really learnt quite a lot from my 4 weeks in that God-forsaken place. A lot. I guess that's what I always do, learn. A lifelong process many would say, and I don't disagree one bit. In fact, I agree, wholeheartedly.

I've met so many people, I've done so much. But there's still so much ahead, and it's quite exciting, and daunting at the same time. I'm not the most adventurous of people, but I always like to push my limits and boundaries. Cause the sky's the limit, and I'm still planted firmly, feet on Earth's earth.

I guess hope's been faltering in me. Everyday I feel a little more of myself getting lost in all of this. It's scary, cause I really don't know how to find it back. Find the person in me, the one I once was. It's depressing times there's no question about it. But I try to put it behind me, all of it, when I'm out. Cause all it ever does it just drag me down.

And I've been to hell, not quite back yet. I know though, it's within reach. Everyday's a new step on my ladder. And demons are clutching me at my feet, with all my strength I'm fightin' them, one by one. Some are quite strong, but sorry, not as strong as the will in me.

Imma fight on, I always have, I always will. I know, I trust in me.

Realism of Morphing Dreams

2010-10-24T02:59:00.003+08:00

Crazy, it's crazy weather. But oh so good it feels right now, the cold wind blowing subtly in your face. And you know this won't last. Oh no hon it won't last forever, like every one moment you go through. So live in it. Live in, the moment. I was. Fantastic, couldn't ask for more. And even if I wanted to, I was being realistic.

To round of a week like this, it would be quite a task. Really, there's no point on where to begin. I've not got much to start with, but I'd say it hasn't been perfect. Far from it I'd say, but there's always positives to look at.

So yes, all the determination and effort did pay off. Being the best, and not just getting the title, but earning it was one of the sweetest things the week has brought me. I'd say that I'm honestly proud of the achievement, and now a token of proof that I really did earn the title would cap it all off. I really do mean it, I'd wanna have something to take back. To show me, that I did it. I did it.

As I said, there's not much to bring up here. It's a different life on that island, and I feel like fish outta water when reality kicks in. But it's reality I live in, it'll just take a little time to get used to it all over again. Peace of mind, I need that. It's not too easy to function without it it really isn't. Again, time will bring this boil back down to a simmer. I'm gettin' a little impatient though.

And the dreams I've been having, well it's been similar to the dreams of old. But this time, when I take the time to reflect on it, it's quite surreal. One minute I'm with someone the next they've morphed into another person my dreamy mind don't realise. Not until I think about the nights' happenings that I do realise, and it's quite freaky really, but that's how my mind works when reality takes a break. I've been too real that now, I wanna be pseudo. I don't wanna be that all the time, so yes, it's an art of balancing. An art I consider quite deceiving, yet at times it comes in handy. So far this form of escapism is quite a thrill. Cause sometimes, the truth ain't worth shit. Sometimes.

It's one more week to go, and then I'll have to get myself adjusted to the current life. The real one. It's becoming a drag cause not much is going the way I hope for, but I should just remain positive. Cause after all, one day has 24 hours. It's not as if there's a machine to stop day horrors turning into night melodies. That's what I keep at the back of my mind. No matter how dull something can get, it'll soon be all over.

The good days are ahead of me, I know it is. Right now I just need to focus on the task at hand. Right now, I need extra effort and motivation to get this phase out of the way. Right now, I don't need anyone else except myself.

Right now? The bed's calling. Let there more morphed dreams ahead.
Till then? Keep the love going.

Prodigal

2010-10-17T04:20:00.004+08:00

Let's focus on the positives, no point dwellin' on the "-" things. I was reminded of this. Thank you.

Quite an eventful day I'd say. Besides beating the last-alphabet monster it was a truly enjoyable day. And for that, I'd say my most gracious thank you to all who made it possible. I truly appreciate the thought in everything. Thanks y'all, all of y'all.

It's been a truly remarkable year. Not much has changed, but everyday's a new chapter. Every experience too.

It's been a mixed journey so far. One that's hurt too, but I guess, it was inevitable. After all, it's the same outcome everytime, which is leaving me truly fed up with certain things.

&Pics of you in my head ain't going away, it's playing like a screwed-up projector, and I truly feel dampened by a finding that was answered in the most nicest way, I guess. Still, it sucks. This sucks. Miserable really, I am. I really don't know where to go to from here. And as far as I'm concerned, this sucks.

You know what sucks even more? Trying to stay awake after being deprived of good ol' rest. So I'll bid farewell.
Ciao.

2 Hundred

2010-10-04T23:59:00.003+08:00

I just thought about this, that, if there was ever a day where, for some reason, I leave this place, let my writings be your memory of me. Cause really, if there was a place where it holds so much of me, it's here.

I've been packing. A trip, not one I want but, it's already gonna happen so let's accept it. And yes, the place that I am going to isn't exactly a holiday retreat, with it's silly rules and nonsensical regimentation. But if it was one thing that reminded me of why I love life so much, it was that piece of paper that, for some coincidental reason, acting like a reminder, peeled off from the blue-tack it's attached to on the wall, and flipped on the other side revealing what I always believe in. That, I love life, and that, it's beautiful

&Guess what? Nothing's changin' it.

I'll see you on the day I came to be. Till then, keep the love goin'.

The Criminally Insane

2010-10-01T01:25:00.003+08:00

"We weren't made perfect, but we were born to achieve."
Me

If it's one thing that will end all of humanity, it'll be us driving ourselves to our own graves. Cause we begin to die as soon as we've started to live.

I would be ashamed though, to meet our forefathers in whichever after-life place you believe in, and face them knowing that, we were the pilots of our own downfall, the victims of our self-made disasters. Ashamed, to let them know that they too played a role in this tale, the disastrous fairytale that wasn't meant to have a happy ending.

It would be sad, one would say, most probably the next race of mutated organism, that such a superior race was brought to their knees by the very own creations that helped propel them as the Aryans around. Indeed the name of the game was to eradicate the inferior race and make sure the superior ones were here to stay. Too bad the stronger ones weren't as bright as their nomadic counterparts.

They were warn, oh yes they were. But that's the beauty of it. They talk, but nobody listens to crazy people. Who's had the last laugh?

What was the crime though? They were just doing what they were naturally programmed to; Survive.

Acheiver

2010-09-18T03:27:00.004+08:00

An empty park, cool breeze-wisps and a chilly night. It was a wish honestly, that I would have the chance to see no life there. Tonight, that wish came true.

Crazy, beauty. I don't know, it's really hard to describe it. Serene really, really got my batteries recharged.

I'm discovering myself more and more as time goes by. &When I look around me, I see myself in such a beautiful place. And I have beautiful dreams, dreams which I would one day have the chance of achieving. Cause in my heart I know, that's it's un-fictional. Cause in me I know, that's all things' possible to achieve. If I want to. If, I want to.

This, I want to.
Cause,
this, is beautiful.

No Motion

2010-09-15T21:29:00.004+08:00

Come to think about it, this might actually be a choice. Not something we're tied down to like a cancer in us. I really do think it's a choice. And for now, this is my choice.

I feel the serenity when I'm in this state, where everything's going slower, no matter how fast it is. Because, I'm not paying attention to it. It's like, the whole world's whizzing past me, and I could not care less about it. It's a concentrated center I have in me, and that center is so focused on just doing what I'm so interested in that nothing else matters.

It's a temporary choice, because I really do feel the peace when I'm floating in this state. It would be even better when everything else is in tune with my senses, but I don't usually get everything going my way. It does irritate me I'd be honest with that. I'm still learning to deal with it. It's like, I coax myself saying it's alright don't bother about it.

It's magical, it really is. This place I've made. Cause it's so peaceful, so serene, so beautiful. It's full of natural wonders, flooding with endorphins and relaxants. It's the beauty of the senses. It is true, I'm one who relies a lot on my senses. The sense of smell, sight, hearing, touching, tasting. I could practically get into a different mood in a snap if one of my senses is activated. Right now it's my ears and eyes that's being played with.

I feel so high right now, I beg for this not to go away. Not till the start of day.
The start of the day is a painful way to snap back. Well, right now it is.
Fuck this 2 years it's torn me to shreds, eating gnawing abso-fucking-lutely destroying. Me.

But I still stand, still.

Sequential Non-Existence

2010-09-14T02:42:00.004+08:00

How often would I be able to do this? At this time of the day, where a new sequential number takes it's place? At this time of the night, where it's actually the start of a new day? Where no one is on the streets? Where everyone's snuggled up in bed either dreaming their night away or worrying themselves to grey hair, hair that I consider a coming of age and wisdom. Unfortunately though, in the place I'm in, wisdom isn't a word often used.

I don't see an opportunity like this presenting itself to me as often as it did previously. Having said that, I do see myself doing this for a long time coming. Cause at the end, this is my way of unwinding.

I see it as this: I live in a world that's filled with words. Alphabets filling spaces filling lines with a structure that we use to communicate. Words can be so much more powerful than pictures, this place here says it. I won't deny my love for still images, though, but I'd choose words any day.

It's a theme I've created in my head, the subject of existence. Levels of existence, why it exists, and how we exist amongst one another. It's virtually impossible to exist without impact. That is why i cease to exist if I do not impact the world around me, the one I'm in. I will only exist if I have impacted the place I'm in, the lives around me. Looking at it in a micro and macro way are 2 different things. I may cease to exist to the world, but I am existent in your world, your life.

So, do I exist? Right now, I doubt it. There's no doubting though, I do impact the lives of others. Therefore I am? I am.

&There's no doubting now, that you exist. Cause you're starting to impact my life. The one that I'm torn between love and hate. May you be another sequence I go through, I'd like to know you were extremely pleasing to the eye. But I shall say no further, cause you cease to exist till I exist in your life.
Cause, what I am to you is not real.

The Inadequates

2010-09-12T01:14:00.004+08:00

Crazy. That's the one word I've been using pretty often of late. Not the exact word, but something similar. You know what I mean. And really, it's been an insane week.

It's better at times to let some things slide, but you cannot deny what's happened these past few days. I've been tossed like a rag doll, crazy it's absolutely ludicrous. Lesser said the better, but snapshots would serve to us memories that only the beholder will understand, all too well.

My head's in a right ol' spin now, my nose ain't exactly helping me but I know all too well that this is the result of inadequate rest. I've really put myself through a lot this week, and somethings are just too agonising when you miss it but I'll learn to deal with it. I hope.

In a way, I've quite rightfully answered myself the question I've wondered of for quite a while. Definitely I've thought a lot about this, and I've come up with many possible theories, but today, if a certain March gig was anything to go by, has proven the type I'm attracted to. Not giving too much away; So Gloria, what's your story?

I love my privacy. I think I build things upon that, and that I feel a certain irritation when I do not get it, an assumption I make, that many people do too. And there's also a need to be truly honest and clear, I hate bush-whackers. You're not beating it, you're whacking it the same way I wanna wack you when it's being done.

That's me being honest. &Sometimes, it's nice to hold up your hand and admit,"Hey, I was wrong," instead of being politically right all the time. Leave that to the damn politicians, the same ones who smile in front of you to gain votes, and frown for the level of demands we put on them. Hey, you chose to govern, you're the only channel we have to voice our opinions. Voices, which in certain places drown. Oh, the wisps of spoken words.

I truly mean it when I say this, I have a lot more to offer in my time here, but I'm a caged bird here, restricted. I do well when I have room and space to flap my wings. Right now, even my wings are strapped on myself in this cage. Fuck this. Fucken shite.

I'll be drowning myself soon, in golden fluids. Not the one you sick shits have in mind. It's the one I truly enjoy drowning myself in.

"So, what'd ya say, Boo-boo?"

Par Volume

2010-09-02T21:58:00.006+08:00

Make space don't intrude don't confuse me I'm distracted. Okay, spaced.

I feel like I'm getting lousier at this. Is this the consequence of not being here after a while? I really don't know it's barely been 3 weeks. Okay it's been 2 who am I kidding I'm feeling the rust already. Thank goodness I came prepared.

Wet spots on the screen isn't a good thing. It means I need to aim better. It's not what you think, but who I am to prevent some stirring of controversy?

This is messed up, I really have nothing on me right now. Me mind's racing but it's full of empty trains whizzing in my; There's no content.

Let me leave you with a figment of my thoughts while I go through with my own way of relaxation and enjoyment.

"Volume"

I look like a homeless man tonight. With no home, no place to live in, except my head. With no aim, no purpose in my direction. I'll be blown, journey dependant by the nights wind. Like wisps of the smoke I exhale I drift, endlessly till I vanish. That's the view of many, I'm just a visual image their minds simply don't pay attention to. That's tonight, the night I'm homeless. A worthless image drawn by alphabets.

And amidst this insanity we still stand, still. Stand strong, I stand firm. But I know, I'm part of, this insanity is, part me. We all live with it, I choose right moments to exhibit this. It's a form of art, which only a selected few can appreciate. In it's raw form it's naturalistic, when defined it's raw and unprepared.

It's part in us, of who we all are. That this insanity will reek around us, draw itself towards us and feed on us. The thoughts, words like drawn images, it's instinctive. It's instinct that drove us here, and insanity is part of this instinct. It's insanity that drove me here, that it'll draw you here. Only drawn by words, the same lines on walls.
Insanity; You act like it's catching.

I didn't live to have experienced world war, but I'm alive while the world's at war.

Rebel Dancers

2010-08-22T03:25:00.004+08:00

It's been a pretty shitty day, today. Maybe shitty's an understatement here, but it's not been a good day at all. &To think of it, the weekends' 21 hours away from being over. That's shitty.

It doesn't take much to be honest. Not much at all when I need an eye-opener. Not literally, but it doesn't take a lot from me to be truthful to myself, like looking into a mirror, and realising the silliness of these all. Of everything that's been happening. Of everything that I've been doing. I got that eye-opener while in the bath 20 minutes ago.

All that I've been doing recently, all the risk-taking and decision making, all of it I've been doing with closed eyes. On impulse, without thinking. I feel like a brain-dead motherfucker, cause it's honestly disappointing of me to be going through this. I'm feeling real stupid, rest assured I feel this way. Extremely impulsive, and regretful whenever I don't get things working out for me. Principles and wisdom are one of the many things I preach about, and it's horrid to know I've been doing things that has been way out of my usual self. It's silly really, if you ask me. And stupid too.

All it took was a 20 minute soak in warm flowing water. That's how long it took me to find the answer I've been looking for weeks now. Pretty simple stuff, but yes, as what he said, it'll come eventually.

Stupid, real stupid of me to be putting myself in such a precarious situation. But nonetheless it's done. I honestly cannot undo anything at all, only to learn from all this. And to be honest, I'm glad I've finally come to my senses.

Tomorrow's results will be the final time I did such a thing. The sheer pain and agony to go through all this when I told myself never to continue. It's real silliness, stupid stupid stupid. But yes, I only learn from my mistakes.

It's been a horrid day. It truly is, but I know in 18 hours I might a reason to smile. But mark my words, I'm putting an end to all this. To all of it.

You looked brilliant in that outfit that night. The radiance your skin gave, your alluring eyes, the electric looks. Really, I did hope things would have panned out the way I saw it. I guess, plans change. I just wished I didn't have to go through this, though. I like you, liked, I truly did, but now I cannot afford to. Not after the commotion that just happened. It's such a pity, but it's true too; You ain't the only one. What a waste.
(I l o v e you, too bad you won't ever know)

Discolouration

2010-08-12T00:08:00.003+08:00

The beauty of it is, when I'm in the process of huffing and puffing, so many things come to my head. So many thoughts, so many ideas, so many philosophical stuff. It's not as if I don't get any of these when I'm not, but that's the beauty of it.

&When I try to come up with a reason to explain my actions, there's none. Nothing, nada whatsoever. There's is literally no reason why I do it. No reason to explain why I do what I'm doing; I just do it.

The issue here is that, firstly I don't know if you can call it an issue, but I need to have a reason behind every action. In simple terms every action has it's intention, the reason why you'd do something. But in this case there's none. Nothing, nada whatsoever. It's pretty disturbing, at the same time, quite puzzling and unique.

I do know that eventually, I would have figured the reason why. In the meantime though I'll just have to content myself with this emptiness in me head. It could actually be my head blocking the reason, so come on Headie, unblock it. Show me the good stuff son.

And yes, it's that time of the year again. The time where ashes fly everywhere, burnt incense fill the air and pavements get damaged. Nono they're no arsonist. Just worshipers.

It can be quite a surreal month, this time of the year. Cause when it plays with your head, you really don't know what's real and what's the opposite. You can't fully trust your eyes, cause your sight might be hindered by certain perceptions and experiences. I ain't gonna give much away, but it's just a month to be cautious. For all you know I might not be real, just a figment, of your always-vivid imagination.

Cause,
I've never been real. I'm make belief. But I've been made to believe that, my experiences are.
Therefore I am.

I'd love to be a figment of your imagination.
I'd love to not be real.
It takes the edge of things, don't ya think?

1 Value

2010-08-08T02:27:00.005+08:00

I've probably not been as active here. There's no reason to be worried, to be quite honest; I've never been one who makes it a point in writing entries on a daily basis. I feel you lose that specialness, the one I always try to have in every entry I come up with. The frequency of it makes this place lose it's value. And yes, as I've mentioned, about 190 times now, this place is special. So much has been chronicled here, in subliminal ways most of the time, so much. That's why I love it so much, this place is priceless, just priceless.

I've been in a dreamy state of late. Weird, or unique, whichever suits your fancy, dreams have been filling me. Filling me with bewildering thoughts. These moments even makes it's way into reality. So much so that it actually confuses me on what's real, and what's purely in my head.

I'd admit to it, I've been one who's always been dreamy. As much as that is a contradiction to me being a practical person most of the time, I do have my moments as well. It's truly magical, moments like these. They don't come often, but it overwhelms me so much when I use my imaginative mind to picture something that isn't there. It fills me with pseudo-happiness. I know that at the end it's fictional, but it does make me glee with delight whenever I get moments like these. That's why I say, it's all about feelings feelings, feelings.

Really, nothing can take away this part of me. Sometimes I do feel it interferes with reality, and I have a difficult time coping with things but at the same time, I do not wish for it to go away from me. This has brought me so far in life, this feeling part of me. I honestly do wonder how at times people around me can just suppress it. To me it's impossible to do so, to not emit any emotions whatsoever. I guess this has created loads of trouble for me too, but hey, fuck it. I know it's me, I can't change it, I don't wanna. In fact, I love it. I love my feelings. Fuckin rainboww.

I'm dead tired right now. Lines have been thinning, walls have been closin' in on me. But I've chosen to fight to see a new day.

It burns in me, the high I get. &I look all around, this is somethin' worth living for; I block out the noise all around, this is worth it.
&I'm leavin this place for another. Soon I'll return, right now I need my other world. I'm leaving with no regrets, cause I have everything.

I guess it was the originality in me to have said this. I mean it, this place I have here, this life I have now, is truly magical. I do know it can get better, but when I look around right now, I have all that I want here. And this is worth fightin' for.

Sayang, I love life. I love it, so much more than before.
I love it, cause I love life.
Love. You.

Betrayal

2010-08-05T21:26:00.004+08:00

I really think I need a fag. Right now. Too bad, right now's no good. I'll wait.

I've got the perfect setting for this. A scene, I put up in my head. A dance, with music to dance so deep into.

Cliché, it may sound so, but it's our bodies moving, eyes locked on. Images keep flashing, one with our eyes, another with me savouring that smell on you, another with me pushin' you away depicting this meaning our music holds, and another with me pulling you to me. Can't get enough, I cannot get enough of this. It's driving me crazy, it's pullin me to my grave.

I'm all here. Lifeless, inject me. Tonight, I'm all for your use. Kill me if you might I'd feel no pain kiss me if you'd like I'd feel no warmth push me with all your might I might just fall bleed me with your might I'd just bleed out dry I'm all up for your use tonight so inject me I'm lifeless. Here I am, all here.

Lock

2010-08-01T02:36:00.004+08:00

I really don't know the kind of messages I've been giving out. It's subliminal, I'd admit to that. But it's interpretation on the other side that is of concern. Of concern to me. The most concerning thing though, is that, I really don't know myself, the kind of messages I've been giving out.

It might be signals of desperation. That I'm desperate, desperate for something to happen. To happen for me. It might be desperate signals. I'm honestly puzzled, cause I don't understand how signals like this can ooze out of me in such a way. In such an easy way. It's as if I've got a message on my head, for all to see, telling people that I'm desperate. It's seriously concerning.

I'm aching all over. All over. And I'm burning in places, both metaphorically and literally. Things have not been easy, not easy at all.

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride of late. My mind's been racing, at a crazy pace. It's been such a challenge to keep things calm. Everything's racing, the heart's pacing. I might be driving myself to the wall. A huge one, concrete slabs towering one another forming a huge blockage to an entry somewhere, and instead of going around it I'm trying to barge my way through. Fuckin' wall.

I guess it's something serious then, cause I'm seeing things that aren't there. Small flickers in the corner of my eye, only for it to be gone when I'm fully focused on it. It doesn't exist though, that's why I think this condition O'mine is quite serious.

There have been too many restrictions lately. Too many being places on me. So many things limiting me, denying me the basic right of way, so to speak in driver lingo. It's suffocating, it's holding me down so much I feel helpless, at it's mercy. It, however, is a mental dominatrix. And she's been my master lately, I her bitch. I'm at her peril, with pearls encasing me. All over me, all around me. All on me. I'm a huge fuckin pearl-making oyster. Come on, all I ever do is collect sand. How hard could that be?

I really think I should take a step back, and re-evaluate what I've been going through, and what I've been doing. I certainly think that it would help me, at least get one foot out of the grave I'm in.

"Closure has come to me myself, you will never belong to me."

So many things in my head it feels like it's about to explode. It might one day, soon. Till then, I'm still thinking. And I'm still feeling. I'm yearning too, but that's a story for another day.

In the end, I was shattered. It ended even before it began. But I guess it's true, it was never meant to be. I'll seek solace in that. Either that, or I forever live with it. I choose the latter.

Project

2010-07-31T01:31:00.002+08:00

Discoloration; You act like insanity is catching.

Anti

2010-07-17T00:49:00.006+08:00

I've been lying. All along, all this while. A lie. A big one. A fat one. A white one.

To myself. To me. To everyone to all around me. Lies, all they've been. Just plain lies. Lies no one knew was the truth. The truth that, it's been me. All along it's been me all along. All this while it's been me. About me. No one saw it.

I like being alone. I honestly think there isn't anything wrong with that. None whatsoever. In fact, I think it's beautiful. It's serene. It's calm

People, people spoil everything. Peace, tranquility, hope, belief, everything.
They're everywhere. Everywhere. Every fucking place they're there. Their presence ticks me off cause, people are nosy, people are bossy, people are irritating. They spoil everything I love and hate. Everything. You can't have a peaceful night with them snooping around cause, people want to know everything. They have so many questions, so many queries. Never has there been someone I know that has not bothered about me, about who I am, about what I do, about where I'm from. They need to know every detail about every happening. They need to know every information that eludes that big mind of theirs. They feel like they're on some mission to fulfill a burning desire, a quest of sorts, for knowledge. It's empowering for them to know every single thing that's happening around. They have absolutely no business in it, no involvement at all, but it burns, it burns so much that they have to know about everything. Every thing. Every fucking thing. Everything, that's nothing. That's full of it. That's full of shit. Nothing

It's annoying. It's so fucking annoying I hate it I absolutely do. I despise that fucking attitude, that personality, that "instinct" in all of them. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate them. I hate them all.

I wanna slump, I just want to. Cause,

Tonight, I don't care. I just don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck. So fuck ya'll, all of ya'll.
Fuck you. You, yes you, you. No you, not you. You.

Rye Fields

2010-06-30T22:13:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I have no idea what got over me. I think it's the obsession I've been having in recent times about that era which drove me to write my last entry.

Really, I don't know if I can actually call it an obsession. It might be a healthy one, but I've been extremely interested in the 30s. Everything about it, goodness I just think it was the perfect time to have lived life. It's pretty much a challenge for me to put it in words, for I love that era so much I wished one of them auction sites had a time machine on sale. I'd buy one, and destroy it so that I can never come back. I'd go, believe me I'd go.

Life's been pretty zombie-like for me lately. Arguably the biggest tournament, involving 22 grown men chasing after 1 ball, has duly started. It has been fantastic so far. Extremely tiring thanks to time zones, but I've been loving it. It has brought a halt to many things for me. I just wake up everyday to get to that shit hole, waste my entire day with mundane tasks, get back home and gear myself up. If you ever wanted to take a picture with a giant panda here's your chance. I fit the bill for both features, the giant and the eyes. Still, it's been a great time thus far. Sleep can wait, work can wait(cause it ain't work it's shite), the world stops. Cause it's time, to watch 22 grown men, chase after one ball.

Obviously my life hasn't grind to a complete halt because of this massive tournament. It has pretty much been limited to a few activities though, because of the amount of time I have. I have been in a zombie state for a while because of the exhaustion I'm facing mentally. Still though, I tell myself it's alright, because, what I'm going through right now, this 2 years, it has made me realise that time is limited, and that things like long frequent rests can wait for more important things like spending time with loved ones. That's how I look at it. Cause time is, for me now, like oil; Precious, and I have to make sure I use it well before it runs out.

Truth be told, I have been drifting through things in life. As usual nothing's much changed in places that should have, but other than that I've been finding life better for me personally. It can always be so much better that this, my point though is that I have been enjoying myself in the company of people I love. I find it a waste to sit at home and stare at the screen staring back at me. All I wanna do is to go out, and live it out. I've been doing it amply. It should only get better than this.

I've most probably found the perfect piece of art I want inked on me. A line, translated in an ancient language, that means the world to me. A line, I always use no matter what. Yes, that line. It's my line, you know. Touch it not, it's still new. But it wasn't inked on me, the words finally decided to push out from in me. Yes, it's that deep. It's always been in me, I just needed time to realise it. And now, I finally have.

(ego) Vitam amo. si. (ego) Vitam amo.
Nothing's changing it.

Backtrack

2010-06-08T20:40:00.005+08:00

Beautiful, wasn't it? The 30s. Where men would head to cabarets after work, accompanied by ladies dressed up elegantly in their dresses, black red gray or gold, any colour that they fancied. Speaking in fluent unspoilt english, with a bit of an accent to reveal their roots. Using words like swell, or gay to express how nice, or happy they were. What a time, the 30s.

I do think that I was born in that era, during my last life. I was enjoying my life back then, with the lifestyle that suited me personally. I don't think I earned alot back then, but I was well liked and respected among my peers and colleagues. I had people recognising me whenever I entered a place, the friendly smile and well-mannered behaviour that I was loved by. I had a temper, only to those who stepped on my shiny black shoes without apologising. I had charisma and charm, to the ladies I mingled with on friday nights.

Family? Don't think I had one. Not one that I could remember. Self-educated, raised by mama in a warm home. Yes now I do recall, I had mama. She always complaint about me not listening in school. I told her school's no good for me, I've got everything out there I just have to learn outside not in this knowledge prison.

I remember her taking me to the parks one day where the circus was in town. We made our way to the games booth where, most of the time, middle-aged men would try to trick you out of a quarter knowing you can't win the prize. I was looking at the booth since we entered, and a sort of pattern was printed in my mind. I saw a trend to hitting one of those bottles off the stack. You've got to aim higher if you're aiming for the center, as your arm naturally twitches due to the weight and surface of the ball. And hit it from an angle so that the spin on the ball would destroy the base, toppling all the bottles resting on top of it. I asked mama if she would follow me there. She was reluctant at first, as I would be using the only quarter I had on me. She gave in though, seeing how much I wanted to try my "luck".

I stepped up, exchanged the quarter for 3 balls. I threw the first one, my practice shot. I gave a real good feel to the ball, to know the right way to throw it. I had to feel the weight too, to know how hard I should throw it. Too light and it will go over too heavy I won't make it past the table. It had the weight of a baseball, just a bit smaller.

I threw my second one, a preliminary throw to the finale. I did manage to hit the stack but it wouldn't budge. The bottles were filled with sand so it added a bit more weight. I managed to knock off two at the top, reducing the weight on the base. I didn't learn physics, but I was wary enough to know that the base is the most important component to any stack. Playin' with my wooden blocks at home taught me that.

I took my third and final ball. I felt nervous. I pictured myself in the Yankee Stadium, pitching against Babe Ruth. He was every boy's dream, so to deny your idol a chance of victory would rank up there as one of the best moments in your life.
I stood on the mount, beads of sweat trickling down my forehead. I had my hand behind me, adjusting my grip to ensure I got the spin that I want. I needed this to be a fast ball, too. I saw Babe staring at me, in me. I didn't flinch. With all the strength I had in this 8 year old arms I threw as hard as I could. I felt this burn near my shoulder as I released the ball.

Silence. I looked on.

The ball was headed for the bottle second from the right. It hit with such force it ricochet off and veered into the left, toppling all the bottles stacked on top of it. I drew a gasp as the tower fell. Mama leaped with joy. I did it, I denied Babe Ruth a grand slam. I denied the best player in the world a chance to lead his team to glory. Me, an 8 year-old. I never felt anything like it. Mama held me in her arms and pinched my cheeks in delight. My trophy?

A Babe Ruth plush doll. I wasn't sure what to think of it, but I was pretty sure Babe didn't want me to add injury to insult.

Inspiration

2010-06-04T01:31:00.002+08:00

Tonight, I'm heartbroken.

Phoenix Bar

2010-05-30T01:59:00.004+08:00

&Why do I think that you're pretty oh so pretty? Why is it me who thinks this way, that oh you're pretty you're so oh pretty. Rubbish, just real trash real trash really.

I'm in a state right now where I'm neither here nor there. Nowhere, and I really don't know how good or bad this is. I don't know if it's bad or good, or where it's bringing me. But all I know is that I'm just here, right now, in between everything. Everything, that's nothing. That's full of it. That's full of shit. Shit, yes shite yes shit.

It might have been a simple question, question of the ages that got me in this mess. Or it might have been the messy day I've had where I was surrounded by depressed actors and overzealous melodramatic actresses. The fact that I was nearly all around this island with such company, and what I was surrounded by.

It's too silly this day. Today's silly. Surreal's been used much too often recently so it's not in my choice of words, not for now at least. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me with the amount of childish plays I went through today, it was way past the figment of my always-wild imagination. I couldn't believe what just happened.

To be sensing something that isn't there while walking into the room is quite frightening. I might have imagined it, I was pretty sure though something came into my mind. "Take me away, let me fly. I'd be your partner in flight."

Who are you, you? So many I'd say. I just think you're beautiful, I just think. I always think that, that's why there's so many. I'm just wondering how do I tell. Oh I'm hopeless with things like this. Hopeless, I'm just too.

This music, really, divine. god-like. Brilliant so fuckin' brilliant. I just don't know how they do it, but it's just wonderful. Wunderbar.

"Take me away, let me fly. I'd be your partner in flight."

Wham

2010-05-29T03:15:00.003+08:00

It's supposed to be uninterrupted. No interruptions. No distractions and no disturbances. And that's exactly what it is. Uninterrupted. No interruptions. No distractions and no disturbances. Not easy to have these conditions not easy at all very difficult it's very very difficult.

Roamin' the streets. The empty ones, ones that are usually bustling with cars and life, and pollution. And it was so quiet I could hear my footsteps clearly. Each and every thump from the soles to the ground, and every creak it made on the cement pavements. I'm not describing between the lines how heavy I am, it's just an emphasis on how quiet the night was. Don't be confused. Trust me.

What a night, nights like these come so far between each other. And the more I should be appreciating it. I am, really. Brilliant, lovely so so lovely.

Really, the only thing I have in my head now is how intense we locked lips. From the moment it started, to the moment it continued, gradually getting more and more intense. It was heavy, both in panting and in feelings. I remember it like it was yesterday. 20 hours ago, in fact.

And that the sexy thing will be me being watched. Getting all high, getting all deep and writing here, without any interruptions. I find it so erotic goodness it feels so different to know someone's interested in seeing how I do it. And that she just wants to roll up in my bed, covered in soft fluffy blanket clad as minimally as possible underneath and just watching me do it. Yes, do IT. IT has saved me in more ways than anything else. I fuckin' love "IT". Love it, just fuckenloveit.

It's been a while since I've been here and really penned my thoughts down. It's been a while since I really got high and started mumbling in here. Today's the day I can barely keep my eyes opened let alone lift a finger. But it's special. Today is special. Let nothing take it away. No one too. I'm pretty sure you'd die to see me while I do it. It's that special it really is.

I love life. I do. That's all that matters.
love you too, I. love you too.

Dosage

2010-05-28T03:51:00.003+08:00

We won't start, oh no no we won't start. Cause there's no stop, oh yeah there's no halt. Cause this is true, oh oh this is true. That we'll do, anythin' to stay true.

An excerpt from me head. The head that's so full, brimming with so much.

So much, it's filled up.

Clockwatch

2010-05-19T20:53:00.004+08:00

It's been a while I was here. It's been a long time since I settled so quickly on a title. Yes, I do put a lot of thought into my titles. A lot of thought. Like most of the things I do. Indecisive some say, sometimes it pays off. Most of the time actually. Most of the time.

I've got a lot of pent up fury in here. In me. This usually leads to self-destruction. Fury I mean. For me, it makes me do a lot of things with an aim. Focus. But it's detrimental to my health too. Gosh where's a fag when you need one.
Don't get the wrong idea loved one; I know control. And I know mood, the mood to do certain things. (I'm saying trust me)
Right now I'm in the mood. Too bad it can't happen.

I have been reflecting, and something startling has surfaced; I tend to "jinx" myself quite often, like how when I say currently I'm doing something that's of great interest to me and I hope it continues, and the next day I don't have the drive to continue what I've started. It's annoyingly sickening, but it's phases I guess.

Right now I'm in this "phase" of recording down quotes from whatever I find interesting, music movies books interviews. It's pretty neat to read back whatever I've written, I think. Cause I've not done it yet, read it. It's my thing, this habit of not reading it back. I dunno why I can't explain it. There's certainly a reason though, that much I know.

Things have been very dull lately. The same routine almost everyday, and when I look back now I've wasted so much of ample time doin' nothing. How it burns within to come to that realisation. Feels horrible. I kept saying how slow time was moving, and now it's already nearing the year's midpoint. Gosh where have I beeen all this while? Too caught up with time that I never saw it blow past me. Never heard it too.

There's a need to have more meaning in my life right now everything's so dull. I need a change, goodness I need to do something sitting down typing all this isn't gonna help I need to have a big epiphany to really wake up my idea. Takin' these 2 years away from me is unforgivable. I'm sure ya'll will pay for it. Positive, I am. Always.

Rants rants rants, that's what I've been surrounded by lately. Of how bad service here is, of how hot the weather is and how this rice is too soft and that cushion is too stiff and this kiss is no kiss with this touch is empty and this mind is so so so so so full of shit. Oh shut up and shut up. And carry on goodness isn't it bothersome enough just ranting? *epiphany part uno* Dos & tres will come soon.

Last letter first letter pointed this out in one of her tunes titled after an insect that helps produce natural sweetener. "They say it isn’t right they have control of your mind but I choose not to believe that." I live by that honey. And really, now do I understand the tune. What a beautiful tune. Not nearly as you though you're a million miles away. Still, I'll be trekking all the way there.
I've got time, if I use it properly.

A Dark Romance

2010-05-08T02:06:00.003+08:00

Pitter pat, it's footsteps I hear. Soft ones, ones that'll keep you asleep. But loud enough, for me to hear them in my head. It's not paranoia I tell 'em, but there's loads I've said that has fallen onto deaf ears. Ears that pick out the slightest of detest.

I don't know if it's ignorance, it might be but who knows. My eyes don't lie, these dark browns are my witnesses.

Stumbling blocks are laid in front of me, all round me. Hurdles pitholes you name it they're all here. Laid in front of me.

They say I'm a deep person. He's said it, she's said it. I've heard it all before, cause I've said it too.

It takes brains to understand all this, what I'm saying. It takes heart to see it.

Here I am, in the dead of day, trying to articulate what I'm thinkin'. And the visual stimulation, is merely visual.

I do wonder what's beneath all that cloth. Beneath all that's beneath that cloth. I'd skin you open just to see you naked. Tear that canvas on you to revel in your raw beauty. Cause at the end of the day, like now, you always are beautiful. I'd eat you while you skin me awake.

This cat's jittery, that ones' calm. Such stark difference. I wonder if I should pity it, the jittery one, cause it's outcast coloured. She didn't really choose to be this way, but who's to give it a chance to prove otherwise? Come here little one I'll shelter you. Oh don't be afraid I won't hurt you. It's unconditional love I'll shower you with, cause you've gone through enough. What I ask in return is for you to never leave me to find someone else, it'll just make me feel all of ya'lls the same. No one else would love you the way I do too. That's a for-sure.

You're so pretty I wanna spend the rest of eternity with you.

It's dark love, the ones in slow mo, the one that's deep feel.
Come on now you can take it, just keep going.
I'll leave you hopelessly breathless.

Prelude

2010-05-07T14:57:00.003+08:00

It's like a preview to something, the "beating around the bush" before the real deal. It's essentially the suspense before the surprise.
"Surprise".*scoffs*Or an ugly piece of news.

It's a method I like using, when it comes to many things. Writing, speaking. It gives you a rough idea before the picture is drawn, usually with words of course. Written, spoken, doesn't really matter. It does not necessarily have a link between the two, the preview and the actual piece of news. It's fascinating, though. I think it's a brilliant way of coming, conclusively, to the real deal.

*scroll down for the real deal*
that really cracked me up Wally

I have been wondering a lot lately. Wandering too. Pushing so much to others. At the end of the day it's a culmination of various inputs, but I do believe my plight has a lot to do with what I am surrounded by. And it's really the truth, that I get affected extremely easily, which is why my surroundings are of grave importance. It resonates in me if it's exemplary, and it stinks outta me if it, stinks. Right now, it's stomach-churning.

No one understands honestly. I make so many comparisons, and really, it's a pity. But the worse kind of "pity" is pitying yourself. It's pathetic. A small hint to myself. Just a small one. Big enough for me though, to start thinkin' of an excuse.

The truth is, there is a gulf in difference between me and us. That sometimes it's sad. But I love ya'll I honestly do. And I honestly don't differentiate ourselves because of that. Just help me though, to get outta this.

I've always praised the amount of belief I have in me. That no matter what I do not give up easily, cause I belief that one day something will happen. Nothing in particular, but generally something will.
Truth be told though, I don't have much faith me in now. Life's drained me of it. My life in particular. It's a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. I still do belief in certain things though, and that's with reminders to myself too.

I guess I can't be blamed entirely for it. Cause I've been trying, my best to, work something out. And right now, I've given up. Cause it's dragged me too low. It's time I looked at meself too. On how I can help my. Cause having so much of faith in them has made them complacent.

It's my time now, right now.

I still love life though. I still do. It's a gift I'm thankful for, so grateful for. And it's one life, I'm gonna make sure I make the most out of it.

Monte darlin' play it with all your heart. As much as I do.
I love life with all my heart. As much as you do. As much as I do too.

I do, too. Love life. Love you.

Time Machine

2010-05-05T20:37:00.004+08:00

You know, I wouldn't care less about the repercussions of this tempting prospect O' mine. I really wouldn't, cause there's this dying itch in me to be free. Bigger than an itch it's a bothersome ache on me head, makin' my heavy on me heart.

This sudden attraction for things in the early 20th century has really got me fascinated. From music to snapshots, to "moving pictures". The lifestyle of after-work cabarets, to the spoken words of people to the way they used to dress up and behave. I really think it's interesting. This interest has certainly built within me, and I'm brimming with ways to relive the experiences in these places. I've been surrounding myself with objects and ideas that makes me feel so impatient to go to the place I've been thinking of. A country actually.

I really think I have made up my mind. A place I'm familiar with, a lifestyle that I'd revel in, surrounded by the beauty of life. A huge place where I could just get lost when I feel like it, a place where it doesn't restrict your movement and freedom, and it doesn't put you through your paces. Sometimes I feel, in my life here I see nothing but things whizzing past me; There's no second to stop for a moment, and sponge in the beauty of this country, and the life I'm given. Everything here's such a haste, a second lost could mean a lifetime of worries. "Can't stop, I cannot afford to stop". Sorry, that ain't the life for me.
Let the red white and blue fly high; The star-spangled banner's within sight.
The future though, I dunno.

I'm just excited of what the future holds for me. I'm doin' whatever I can in my power to make sure it's the life I dream of. Oh future, I can't wait.

Put me into that machine O'yours. And spin me back to an age where bootleggers roamed the night streets, where music was sung in everyday sorrows and joy, where I'd dress up in a coat wearing my favourite brown hat and bowing down to the ladies I meet. Where they'd twinkle their toes in their best dresses and burn their cigarettes with the charm of a lady. And they'd offer my their hand at a suggestion to dance. Take me to the place where the white boys danced.

I'm in love. With something. And I'm holding on to it.
I'm pacing myself right here.

Wall Note

2010-05-02T15:25:00.003+08:00

"First the first, this is. The first of the month. Quit playin' with the order of a sentence and exploiting the uses of punctuations it's confusing when I'm reading it down the road the long winding roads with black tar on wheels and burnin' rubber on the mac. It's tarmac little one."

It's fascinating,I feel, to read through someone. And to know that somehow, people are all deep. I'm not talking about deep purple I'm saying people are all deep. And how some, for reasons unknown only known to themselves, try running away from this.

Consumes, it consumes someone.

I've never really found it easy being me. I didn't say I never liked it, but there have been days where I really do question the use of being this way. It's a choice much of what we do is one. I feel it's very natural of me too.

It's the first of the month. Yet,
I'm already feeling that it was a huge mistake lettin' you in. The things I do at times. No you, not you. Yes, you. You.

The Perfect Illusion

2010-04-21T20:25:00.005+08:00

I thought about it while I had water pouring down on me in a dark-lit, light brown-tiled room. Only thing, it's not a room where you see beds and posters and all. It's a room within a room, with a mirror and a bowl where you look down into every morning you get out of bed, which is not in that room.

It was this urgency in me, to remember what I just thought of in that dark place. I kept murmuring it to myself, like a mantra, to make sure I didn't forget it. Such was this urgency in me I had to speed up what I was doing. It wasn't much of an urgency, when I look back at it now. It was more like desperation to remember it because, so many times I've been in this situation where something just pops into my head like popcorn out of it's kernel, and I struggle to remember it. I struggle to devise a method to remember. I've thought of keeping a pen and notepad in that room, but paper and water don't really go too well together, especially when I'm all wet, literally, with water dripping from all around me. The last thing I'd want to write on would be paper.

Bloody corny, it still doesn't say what I thought about in that dark room.

About what I thought of in that dark room, it's quite, dark really.

About the mental trauma, that's the mental drama, that is the mental notes, I've been keeping in my mental coat. It might not make sense. It never would. Like how you were once seeing it, and then it disappears right before your eyes.
I may be attracted to someone. I may not know if it's true. You might get this theme, cause it is about you.

Bloody corny, it says something though. Something corny.

Jug

2010-04-14T01:57:00.003+08:00

My head's screaming don't do it don't. My eyes are on the verge of giving up on me. But still, I know it'll be worth it. Cause that's what coming here's all about. The heavy head and drooping vision-givers. I don't think it will change. Not for now at least. Not now no.

The night gets quieter as the clock's hour hand depress, movement only possible with the help of the second hand. Together it works, hand-in-hand. Literally.

I've not been a happy camper lately. Warm humid nights, tossing and turning in bed, having real surreal experiences. It's not been an easy time for me, and my dreams reflect it. Things have not been calm for me, everything's so chaotic and messy and noisy and rude and filthy and rude and noisy and chaotic, everything's so. My mind's been a train-wreck. It could have been a plane-wreck, or a car-wreck. It could have been so many things, but I'm just sticking to trains this time round. Crossing out train-wreck in my list right, now.

All jokes aside though things have really been damp for me. It's been a real challenge keeping my mind clean and clear. It's been clouded, affected by external factors. I think the external factors thing bothers me. Shows that I'm weak mentally. I don't like that. Time to stand up for myself I guess, I've been bowing too much that I've forgot who and when to really bow to. It's like an involuntary movement nowadays. And that's not good.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and my actions. I guess it's all too natural for my to look at meself when things aren't right. I'm my harshest critic, yet at times I really wonder if I have anything at all to do with the situation. &When I look around me, and look at the people near me, it's proof that at times I really ain't at fault, and that others are having a bad time too, and that I'm caught in the middle of it.
I really do wonder if other people see things the way I do. Cause if that's the case the world would be a very nice place to live in. Special in some sense I shall not say, but different at least I would. Different from the majority of course, yet I know there's a community filled with people similar to me. It's just not that easy to spot them. I say from experience.

Truth be told I enjoy doing a lot of things by myself. At times I do wonder if it's everything. I'd say no, but still, there's loads of things I enjoy doing when I'm with myself. Maybe that's the reason I'd want to live somewhere that's not noisy and populated. I don't mind these places but my picture of home is a peaceful quiet town that's safe. It does make me wonder if it's to such an extent where I do not need others with me. Again, I'd say no. There are some things I like doing with others too. Not too many people, just a handful, or sometimes just one.

It's been a real chunk, but hopefully it gets digested by the morning. Or afternoon. Or evening. Whichever suits you best. Whichever fits you best.